I've been married for a year and a half now, and my marriage is somewhat rocky. He is a good guy, but he is boring and basically for the most part still lives / behaves like a bachelor. He needs too much distance and I need too much closeness.
The problem: Before I met my husband I once met a guy whom I fell absolutely head over heels for. We made it 1 week, because he was terrified of commitment.
Lately I came to realize that I still have deep feelings for the guy, and started emailing him again. He says if the opportunity arose he would like to try again to be with me and see.
Now I am finding myself feeling sorry that I married what seems to me the wrong guy. I have very traditional views about marriage, and divorce terrifies me, yet my biggest fear is that I will stay married for the rest of my life regretting not being able to be with this other guy. I have never felt for anybody what I feel for this guy. What should I do?
2007-02-19 22:07:27 · 17 answers · asked by horselady 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You should not have gotten married. If you want to take your vows seriously, stay with your husband because I highly doubt that this other guy would amount to anything (even if you left your spouse, would it be worth a few weeks or months or even years at the most with this other guy...if you get that even?) However, if the lure of this other man overrides everything, and you don't mind that it might only be very temporary, then you should talk to your husband about what you are feeling and discuss whether or not you two should divorce. Counseling is a possibility if you want to try and get past your obsession, but you should at some point be honest with your husband....if you can not get over your feelings of boredom and lust for another person. Also keep in mind that relationships grow boring and complacent after awhile....to some amount...for everyone. That is why other people, new people, are so exciting---and unrequited loves, even better. But it is not realistic for they will not amount to anything solid and you will end up alone, or else they will eventually turn into the boring and complacent relationship you sought to avoid, initially, when turning to this person in the first place. Yet if the relationship is not working and the marriage was a hasty idea then eventually it will bust up no matter what you do. But bringing another guy into the mix at THIS time is not the answer. You should work on fixing your marriage or your own perceptions of relationships and love first.....this new guy will not amount to anything if you act before you get your stuff sorted through and if he actually cares about you (which I doubt he does---he just wants to sleep with you now that you are a forbidden married women--this guy can't commit and you know it) he can wait or maybe you two will meet again later on. Spend some time and figure out if it is really your husband or really you that is the problem---and what you would like to do about this. You know all the possibilities of what could happen. Try and make yourself happy. Hopefully, you don't screw yourself in the long run. It sounds like you are the one with the commitment issues.
2007-02-19 22:22:11 · answer #1 · answered by teddy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So the thought of divorce terrifies you, but you're quite happy to consider adultery. Interesting set of values, I must say.
What you should do is get you and hubby into some couples counselling and improve your marriage. Oh sure, it'll be a bit harder and possibly less fun than getting banged by Mr. Commitment-Shy on the sly, but if you're serious about your traditional views, you will make every effort to save your marriage before giving it up as a bad job.
2007-02-19 22:12:41 · answer #2 · answered by Liz 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The future is clear as you will leave this bore of a husband that loves you and you will live out your dreams which will be of a temporary nature. This guy you carry a torch for will be nothing more than a breif fling.
Beleive me when he is already aware that you will leave your husband for him he will be certainly lacking in the trust department, he will no doubt wonder when he is next on the bored list what do you plan on doing next.
I feel sorry for your husband who loves you, what the heck you will only devastate him completely
2007-02-19 22:16:05 · answer #3 · answered by trendz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as you are married you are the perfect girl for the other guy because you said he is afraid of commitment so for him he will have a one night stand anytime he likes with you .
if you got divorced he will not be with you and you will go back to where you began .
The good boring guy with you can be exciting if you try to give him all your heart so try it .
Remember that even your husband have feelings so don't be the one to hurt him .
2007-02-19 22:26:31 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop talking to this "other guy" he is only going to confuse things and bring you away from your husband. You must still love your husband you did marry him. There has to be something there. He must love you too.
TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THIS!! BE HONEST!!! TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH!!! Communication is the key to a good marriage. And talking with your husband is the only way you two are going to figure things out and work through them.
The Stig
2007-02-19 22:12:28 · answer #5 · answered by The Stig 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont believe in divorce. You choosed this guy, u knew that u would spend the rest of ur life wit him, wat were u thinkin then? Focus on the perfect days of ur relationship, not the negative. Sit down n talk wit ur hubby, tell him exactly how ur feelin! He shouldnt b livin his life like a bachelor, he is married to u now, u should b his everything! U 2 have alot to talk about, n the longer u wait it out the further apart u gonna get...
2007-02-19 22:13:49 · answer #6 · answered by Nicole T 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What I learned from your lines...that you didn't give much value to your present status/position as WIFE...or can I ask ...what is the meaning of WIFE? what is her duty as a wife to a man? you want to think only about you..that also.. incomplete ..have you ever try to talk to your husband about this.?(Not about the second man) or did you tell him WHAT you are looking/expecting from a husband? before committing further/deep mistake ( that hurt many....individual wise, family wise and this is one of the major mistake/wrong/sin which some married men/women committing..) talk to your husband openly and discuss with him..everything...pls.try this sincerely......ALL THE BEST.
2007-02-19 22:54:56 · answer #7 · answered by 2bros 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your not happy, get out.
You should not have married this guy then.
There is no easy way out, you will have to tear your husband's heart out and stomp on it, but if you don't love him, its not fair to him to be faking it.
Tell you husband the situation, and start the process of divorce.
I just hope there are no children involved.
And next time, KNOW what you are doing before you run out and get married.
2007-02-19 22:29:31 · answer #8 · answered by Mr R 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u shld get out of ur marriage , it seems disaster , but if u love ur husband then tell him what u want , and if he is ready to work on it than good otherwise dump his *** , the other guy doesnt seem to be a good prospect either , u make a lot of bad choices , think rationaly before taking any step
2007-02-19 22:13:22 · answer #9 · answered by guru ji 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try to work out on ur marriage...the other guy doent look better...just make sure what is the other guy up to...u might take the decision of divorce and he wouldnt marry u...a bird in hand is worth then ten on a tree
2007-02-19 23:45:30 · answer #10 · answered by Meme 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋