Help My husband was molested as a child in foster care by a group of petifiles who called themselfs "open loved ones" at a "RED DOT" swinger party as boy of 6 to 8 1/2 . Everyone got arrested and sent to jail for almost no time at all (2 years at most) after found out about STD he got over 22 years ago.
we have great sex and he's fantstic with oral but will not let me have a turn. I really need this because in 10 years of marriage he never let me have a go because of very hard memorys of past abuse and threats made on him!
We have a great marriage and wonderful sex exept I'm not allowed to give him oral. I did not think anything of it at first but after 10 years I need him to give me that trust, because I'm not one of his attackers I'm his WIFE I wont hurt him. he curls up and shakes HOURS when I try! I sometimes cry and curse his abusers that did this to him, But would still like him to enjoy what he give's me without question.
Should I give up? Or should I keep trying?
Help
2007-02-19 19:12:59 · 11 answers · asked by ladie_married 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Give it Up!
If it hurts him emotionally then dont go there!
2007-02-19 19:21:09 · answer #1 · answered by faith♥missouri 7 · 6⤊ 0⤋
He has issues that go beyond your marriage I hope you find a good counselor to help both of your needs.
But remember he was a victim and and god if I know why social services was thinking about giving a child to swingers!
2 years for RAPE, if he was a lady I bet they would have gotten 20 years if not more!
I've seen what swingers can do first hand with sister and her second husband on her family, and have been told by other people it happens allot. All I can tell you they all should be all caged and sent to a detention center for electro shock therapy and castrated for hurting children!
Those Bastards.
2007-02-19 19:55:28 · answer #2 · answered by Free-Lance 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should go to counseling and express your concerns in front of a professional who can help.
This is a hard question. My aunt was molested by her uncle when she was 13 and she has had sex issues ever since. She is now 59 years old and luckily she married a man who understood and let her be her. She still hasn't and never will overcome these issues. It is now a part of her.
Those are emotional scars and there may be nothing you can do to turn them around.
If I was you, and only if I was you....this is my opinion...I would give up. He doesn't need to feel that way and oral sex shouldn't be breaking a marriage into a frenzy.
Good luck!
2007-02-19 19:18:55 · answer #3 · answered by HarleeNicole 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I hope you don't already have kids with him or plan to anytime soon. Second, he needs to get some counseling to understand that he was a victim and you should not force or try anything on him that he is not comfortable with. It's traumatic for him, just imagine being raped and later having your husband be sexually aggressive with you...not being a victim of rape it might be a nice change but if you were a victim of rape it would bring the incidence to light and you would feel like you were in it again.
Avoid any sexual pressure and talk to him and let him know that he is innocent to what happened to him and should get some counseling so he doesn't have to be tormented by it. You need to consider all that he has been through and understand that you are not less of a woman if you don't give him oral and if he was dissatisfied he would tell you and get him help...you don't need help like he does.
2007-02-19 19:42:12 · answer #4 · answered by chrissy757 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are wrong to pressure him into that situation when he has obviously been open and honest with you about his horrific experience as a child. You fail to realize that him telling you about it AT ALL was how he showed his trust in you as his wife. For you to decide that he needs to somehow just forget about that trauma because IT IS YOU, HIS WIFE, who wants to perform the same act that he has been psychologically branded by, is unbelievably self-centered and callous. He told you about his abuse because he trusted that you would not only understand his aversion to oral sex but would not make him feel like ONCE AGAIN, it is all his fault!!! You are making him re-live his hell every time you think you are going to "cure" him. He may never ever want oral sex for the rest of his life. That is his right and unless HE decides ON HIS OWN that he wants to seek professional help to address the abuse he suffered, you are not allowed to do what you have been doing. Pushing him to allow you to perform oral sex tears him apart because he wants to make you happy but the emotional pain for him is excruciating. That makes him feel like a faker, a failure and reminds him of being a victim ... all at the same time. You should visit the website for spouses of the sexually abused for more information about what is going on in HIS world.
2007-02-19 19:58:14 · answer #5 · answered by kaje 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to hear that i had the same problem a few years ago I'm now almost 19 i was 11-13 when it happened i still am not sure who it was. But hes luck to at least know that they were punished. but any ways don't push him into things it triggers bad and horrible memories that we don't wan to think about any more! Don't make him let him tell you when it would be OK and if that's never then stop asking. If he likes knowing that it makes you feel good than leave it at that and do other things for him. I'm sorry to have to be so blunt but i know what its like for him. Be glad hes not more damaged is a good thing that he still is willing to have sex some don't because its to pain full I'm not one of them but it does happen I'm sorry to have to be so blunt with you but take my word for it and don't push it. I wish you the best of luck. :)
2007-02-20 10:40:15 · answer #6 · answered by nikie_atkinson 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you talk abou this to him? maybe it's good to have a good talk about this. Let him know how you feel and that you also want to give him the pleasure he gives to you. However, If it is too hard for him, leave it then. If he can't handle it emotionally Its better to let it go.
2007-02-19 19:21:13 · answer #7 · answered by Marlieke89 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Instead of making him shake and cry for hours, go and cook yourself a few hotdogs and eat them before sex. Leave him alone that way.
2007-02-19 19:28:51 · answer #8 · answered by spuds_suds 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is nice to please one another, but why would you like to have a go if you are satisfied with what he gives you. If he is happy giving, then might as well sit back and enjoy.
Earn his trust with something else and he will learn to trust you with what you want to do to him. His trust can soon transfer to sex.
If I were you, I will lye back and have fun.
2007-02-19 19:20:26 · answer #9 · answered by Farani P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should not ask that of your husband after he was molested they probvally made him do oral on them when he was getting raped if you love him don't exspect him to do that if he don't or can't
2007-02-23 10:34:34 · answer #10 · answered by sweetgranny06 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋