did i do the right thing?

Question

we got married 2.5 years ago, since then it's been hell. not always. he hits me, sometimes i hit back. we yell, we fight, we hurt. we have three kids:4.5, 2, and 3 month old. he has been hitting me especially hard in the head lately. so i left. he hates my parents, my oldest is from a different man who is a deadbeat but still has visitation rights which sucks...our daughter is great, spoiled but beautiful, and our three month old son, is well, just a baby. we resent eachother for all the things done in the past. it's a very volitile relationship. i am scared that i left today and made a mistake. i don't know how my children will be affected by this. i'm scared to see what will happen to them if they grow up without a father around. i just don't know what to do.
please, no idiot remarks. i'm in pain here and need help.

Answer 1

been there done that.. and i have NO regrets..
I to have 3 kids, had 2 from a previous , and one with him, he was extremely mentally and physically abusive with me, and after 5 years of trying to make it work and hopeing that he'd wake up one day and realize how much he was hurting me.. i left.. but it took untill he got sick of hurting me and started turning on my boys, before i got the strength and courage to leave.. I didnt have a job, i only had a little bit of money in the bank and my family lived 2000 miles away.. but i finally just packed what i could into my car and left.. at first it was extremely scarey.. i didnt know what the future held for me and my kids, and even though it was an abusive environment, there was some kind of comfort in knowing day to day what to expect instead of the unknown that lied ahead for me and my children.. but with each passing mile.. i found myself getting stronger and stronger, and by the time i made it home 2 days later it felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my chest.. i knew i had done the right thing.. my boys would know that i protected them, my boys would know that its wrong to treat a woman this way, instead of being raised in an environment that promoted hitting women, my daughter wouldnt be raised to believe that its ok for a man to hit her, and i earned back my own respect for myself, something i had lost along the way.. I cant say that it cured everything by leaving because i still have the emotional scars that go with it.. but i met a man, that is wonderful.. and treats my kids wonderfully..and is a good father to them, and he is patient with me on days that the emotional scars show their ugly faces.. he's never raised a hand to me, nor would he ever.. he really loves me, and he's teaching my boys what being a "real" men are.. and not being a psycho idiot like the man i was once with..

Its not easy to start over again, if we had a crystal ball that showed the future it would make it so much easier to let go of the past and move on to the future, but unfortunately we dont.. my only advice i can give u is, the fear u have, its the fear that he instilled in you, possibly telling u that u'd fail on ur own, or that u werent worth anything, or that no other man would ever want u etc.. and thats not true.. that was his way of wanting u to "need" to be with him, but u dont "need" him u "need" your children and u "need" for them to be happy and to be safe.. u dont want them raised in a distructive household where they feel like they have to walk on eggshells.. it affects them, whether they see it, or just hear it going on.. and although u children love their father.. and it will hurt at first being away from them because they dont understand, they will eventually get use to the new arrangement, and when they get older, and they find out the truth, they will respect u for making the choice u did, and giving them a happy life, rather then a stressful one.. theres obviously a spark inside of u that he didnt touch, something deep inside of u , that knew it was for the best to leave, and that believed in yourself.. or u wouldnt of left.. hold on tight to that, dont lose it, and u'll be just fine.. You made the right choice by leaving, now learn from the mistakes of the past, so that u dont make the same mistakes in the future, take care of your children, and yourself.. your a strong woman, and you can do it.. just have faith ... it will all work out in the end you'll see.. dont let his mental games control u anymore, keep telling urself he will do and say whatever it takes to push the right buttons in you, and your stronger then that.. and your kids need u to be stronger.. and with time, u will get stronger, till one day , u'll look back and wonder why u didnt leave sooner..

Good luck.. I think u made a EXCELLENT decision in leaving.. and i BELIEVE.. that u and your kids will be just fine with out him..

Answer 2

If he has hit you. You did the right thing. Not for nothing but why do you think kids need a father if they grow up watching him beat on thier mother??? Its not healthy. If this is thier father, they are better off w/o him. You should be worried about you ans the kids in case he gets out of control because you left. CAll a lawyer, and tell teh police so you can get a restraining order agianst him if need be.

Best wishes & good luck.

DO NOT GO BACK!!!!!!

Answer 3

No you are not doing the right thing right now. This is domestic violence and not good at all. You are both abusive to each other and this is not kewl or good at all. You did the right thing by leaving now file for divorce and move on with your life. I wish you the best. You also need help and counseling to get past the pain of all of this as well. You did not do the wrong thing by leaving. This is the best thing you could have done for you and for the kids. They do not need to see mom and dad like this. They will be much more affected by the abuse and domestic violence and fighting that they have seen moreso then the seperation and or divorce. Also go to http://www.drphil.com and tell him your story and see what he has to say or offer in the way of help or advice to you.

Answer 4

You never, never, never have a reason to hit anyone other that in self defense. Physical abuse of any kind is just plan wrong. Yes you should stay away. While you're at it - get some counseling on why you put yourself with these type of men and anger management for why you would consider doing the same thing yourself to a spouse. It's not meant as a put-down to you, but there are issues that sound like you need to get some help for yourself and your kids.

Answer 5

you did the right thing in leaving him. i was in an abusive relationship and i was scared to leave as well. i was afraid of being alone, not knowing how i was going to support two small children, still have a job and good transportation. but when it finally happen, i never felt more alive then i did when all the weight was lifted off my shoulders. 2 years later i am happily married to a wonderful man who loves my children unconditionally. this will happen to you as well.
and i forgot one more thing that is more important than anything. my kids are happy even though their real dad is not around.. they way i see it. a father gives the sperm, but a daddy makes sure everyone in his life is taken care and would not harm a hair on anyone.
you deserve so much better than what you had to put up with for all those years.
my sister was abused by her husband as well and beaten so badly that her husband thought that she was dead and put her in the bath tub, not knowing what to do.
after that she had enough courage to leave him.
no one deserves to be beaten and no one should be blaming their self for what the man does. every woman deserves to be respected and loved.

Answer 6

so let me ask you how would you feel if your your daughter had a boyfriend and he hit her would you be happy or pissed off. no man should lay his hands on a women. because if they do they are nothing but a punk *****. Tell you man if he wants to hit someone go to a bar and hit another man, and see if he could deal with it. if you kids keep see this type of behavior they will think it's normal to be slapped around by a man and your son will slap his wife or girlfriend around because it's normal. i have alot of inmates that grew up in this type of dysfunctional lifestyle and it has carried over to their children who now come in for the same things

Answer 7

Yes I think it is good that you left, because he shouldn't hit you and if he hits you what will stop him from hitting the kids. That will make them more messed up than living without a father.

Answer 8

hitting you in the head? that's awful. don't 2nd guess yourself. move on now. don't stay it only gets harder to get out. He sounds absolutely horrible..if he is that violent with you..the kids have to be affected and it very possibly could lead to him hurting the kids..i beg you to go to a women's shelter, find resources so you can get away from this man so he doesn't hurt you or your children ever again. it will damage them for the rest of their life if they grow up thinking this is how it is..think of it..the girls will let their men hit on them....thinking its normal but no one talks about it...and your boys will grow up hitting their wives and kids..end up in jail and maybe prison...stop the cycle and insanity. Goodluck and I wish you and your children the best. if you want someone to chat with feel free to email me at [e-mail]

Answer 9

you did the right thing! no doubt about it. it would be 10 times better for children to grow up without a father than to be in a house with parents who hit each other...

do not be scared...there are millions of single moms in the world, me included, and somehow, we get by....

good luck!

Answer 10

I think both of you need help. It is not a good situation when both of you are hitting each other. Especially in front of the kids.