What's the likelihood of it working if we got back together?

Question

12 yrs of marriage, 2 kids ages 3&12, marriage went to crap, well started crap, some physical violence, verbal abuse, neglectful, he found out I had an affair at the end and then decided he wanted to make it work, but I felt "traumatized by this point" tried marriage counseling, got nowhere, seperated for 6 mths, now I find myself thinking maybe it wasn't so bad, maybe we can make it work..am i crazy? he still downplays the violence, sneaks into my stuff, invades my privacy, then comes over and tells me he loves me and brings me flowers? he is seeing a psychiatrist and trying to figure out what is going on with him, but he's still an A@#hole when he doesnt' get what he wants from me. I am afraid of him moving back in,,afraid I'll never get back out of the relationship if i need to or afraid he'll lose his temper on me again, even though he says he won't. I'm afraid to leave too, cause now he says he won't pay child support cause he'll have joint custody,I know he's gonna make it hard

I have no family within 100 miles of me to help with the kids. most of my family has demonized me because of the affair, and say that men are like that, and I have my head in the clouds.he works and I should be thrilled he provides for his kids. that's it..i need a shrink myself

Answer 1

Your learning about relations that somehow go bad for what ever the reason and now you must get a good grip on yourself. Your children need you and that is what you must protect with all your power and do the right thing no matter what!

Answer 2

You're not crazy you are a typical victim. he has you right where he want's you. Don't let him win. You need to seek the police's help. Get a restraining order. Change you locks immediatly. Hopefully you reported the abuse, that is in your favor if you did. Everytime he breaks into your house or invades your privacy call the police. With a restraining order he will be arrested. Make sure that you mention the abuse and that you are in fear for yourself and your children. Go to a lawyer immediatly and go to a psychiatrist this could be in your favor for full custody, make sure to see an abuse counselor so that all of the abuse is documented. Take pictures mark dates! Keep a journal and stay strong don't be his punching bag anymore.

Answer 3

You sure do need a shrink if you planning on going back to him. Get a job and support yourself and your kids. as long as you have the kids, he will pay child support. I wouldn't worry about my family, that just showed you that you only have you and your kids. If that man is down playing his abuse then he will do it again. If he is looking in your things, then he have not let the past go and it will always be an issue. It's one thing to have an affair and disown it, but it's another to admit it and move on. With him, you will never move on. If he don't get what he want then you gonna have kiss his butt to have peace in the home. Girl move on. That is a lesson learned. You can let go, if you stop letting him come by when he want to. In order for him to snoop in your things and threating you about the kids, you are still dealing with him. Close your legs as well as your heart and move on, before he put you in your grave. Do you know his shrink can say he suffers with manic depression and if he hurt you, he could get away with it. Think about it.

Answer 4

O girl do you need a good talking too are you seriously considering going back with him after all that has happened when will you wake up and smell the roses he will never change, they never do if he hit you once he will do it again and if he abused you once he will do it again and so on, no changes just another year of hell for you and your children get away make a fresh start and live life for your children and yourself, I believe you had this affair to fetch attention to your situation but it turned out you lost in the end but really do you want to stay with someone who treats you like a door mat wake up sister get out of there now and don't look back good luck for the future

Answer 5

I don't know if this is going to answer your question but I believe that any man that lays a hand on woman is not worth it ( I have a sister who went through the same ordeal, she went to a woman shelter, they helped her move from the city and she got full custody of her children due to that every time he beat her, police would show up,so that was her proof of abuse. She was also afraid to look around the corner or respond back to her husband because she was afraid. She eventually decided that her girls could longer live this way. On whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

neither of you two are perfect...and it's all about sacrifice, comprimise and honoring your partner. You took vows, which should be taken seriously, however both of you need to work at it. He invades your privacy because he does not trust you (the affair you mentioned), and no matter what, only time will regain his trust. The violence is unhealthy, but it's a lot more common than people think. If both of you are violent, then both of you can stop it and grow stronger together. If you two can achieve health and healing through support from one another, you WILL achieve marital bliss! It takes work, so good luck:)

Answer 7

You answered your own question. You DO need to talk to someone - a professional someone. Find a support group for battered women and you will have the support network you need since you don't have family nearby. DO NOT give up, DO NOT give in, DO NOT go back.

After years of leaving and going back I finally left for good (after 18 years!). What did it for me? I read a magazine column that I cut out, carried with me and took out to read every time I thought about going back. It details the actions of men who ultimately kill their wife/girlfriend. It is a very detailed outline of what you are now experiencing - exactly what I've experienced. It is not a joke. It is not a "maybe", or a "could happen"....this is PRECISELY the behavior of men (in the years preceding) who ultimately murder their partners.

It sounds drastic, I know....and he may never get to that point, but sweetheart, with two children to raise, why risk it? Find a support group, find inner strenght, find your resolve and DON'T LOOK BACK.

Answer 8

Obviously the violence and physical abuse is absolutely unnecessary and unacceptable. But at the same time, you were married...regardless of how bad things were in your relationship you don't cheat on someone. If the problems were that big then the divorice should have come first before you proceeded to have another relationship. I'm not saying that you're 100% at fault but he does have every right to not trust you. The relationship will never last. You'll live in constant fear of him going on a violent rampage and he can't trust you.

Answer 9

No one should live in fear or be abused. I know you have 2 kids and things will be hard on you but, what kind of life is it for your children to see there mother abused, sad, and in fear. Your family is old school. Before woman worked and there job was of a house wife the husbands cheated, lied, beat them, etc.. They had no education, income or place to go. They stayed married in order to live. They only existed in life never lived life. Today us woman are independent and Thank GOD can support our selves. I am sure you can find someone who respects and loves you but, you need to start respecting and loving yourself first.

If he makes you chase him for the money then right there is shows he is not a good man or good father.

Answer 10

Don't do it. If he's denying the violence, then it will happen again. He doesn't trust you. He's controlling and violent. Why would you get back into this situation? You'll be doing yourself and your children a disservice by going back to him. I'd move the hell away. Let the state get his child support. They'll take it out of his check before he gets it. Good luck.