Why do I have low self esteem only around certain people?

Question

I am very shy and quiet around people I work with and also around my husband's family members. Sometimes, I am also shy and quiet around women (I am a woman). I am the complete opposite around men and gay men (really comfortable with them) and I feel that I can "be myself". Why is this? How do I get over this?

Answer 1

I am certainly no expert but I have known, and supervise a few people, that have low self esteem. Some of them are either over the top, always trying to impress others with their knowledge, prove to them that they are smart, or they are very shy or timid.

I think the reasons vary with the individual. It may be that you feel that you don't measure up to certain peoples expectations. This can be especially true with in-laws. Have they ever put you down or made you feel that you were not worthy of their son? For one reason or another you may have gotten that impression so you just try to keep to yourself. It could be that you don't feel that you have enough common interests, or any common interests. Thats common enough and if you don't feel like you have anything that you can talk to others about, well, you don't talk. The more you do that, the more reserved you will appear and its sort of a self fulfilling prophecy.
A lot of self esteem issues are derived from our upbringing. Was your mother a meek person, shy, reserved? If so you probably immulate her.
As far as men go, I will assume that you are fairly attractive. Frankly, as a man, just being attractive is enough to get our attention and we will flirt with you. This makes you feel good, worthy, so you feel more like an equal and are able to communicate in a more normal manner. Gay men simply relate to women very well, in most cases, and share a lot of female interests, men for example, and styling, ect. So you have something in common with them and it gives you an instant "in", something to talk about, which makes you more comfortable and able to speak freely.
I think, from a layman's perspective, that you should look for common ground with your family, besides your husband, and find common things that you can feel good about discussing.
At work it could be that you feel that you are less competent than your coworkers, whether or not this is true. This is more difficult to overcome. Look around at the others in the office, do you see them as just people? I imagine you do. In general that is the same way they perceive you, as just another person, a coworker. So unless they have given you the impression that you are less than an equal, you should feel like an equal.
People from all walks of like socialize, the trick is to find that common ground. I know absolutely nothing about physics, but I could easily carry on a converstaion with a brilliant scientist. I would simply get them to tell me about their work, tell me about quantum physics, whatever. They would be impressed that I would want to know about their work, their interests, and appreciate the attention. And even though they might have much greater intelligence than myself, I would still be an equal in their eyes.
There will always be others that "feel" that they are superior to you, but they probably have low self esteem too and just brag and put you down to make themselves feel better about themselves; a very selfish way to behave. About all you can do is avoid those people.
Anyway, I would suggest visiting the bookstore and maybe find a good book about self esteem and learn a little more about yourself. Best of luck.

Answer 2

You feel you don't have the qualities to 'compete' with these women & peers. And though there shouldn't be any competition, there always is. Even among girlfriends.
You don't have to do that with men (either kind) They accept you for who & what you are. This is where you feel most comfortable.

Either you don't think you're smart enough, pretty enough, dress well enough.....the list can go on. You need to find out exactly in what area you feel this way & work on it.
If you don't think you can do as good a job at work, get busy & learn some more.
If you don't think you're pretty, just take a good look in the mirror. I bet you're far prettier. Learn to apply makeup skillfully. Get a good haircut. If you need dental work, save your money to get it. Learn to carry on a good conversation, have manners.
You may not be able to afford the latest fashions but you can dress clean & comfortable with classic styles. Find what works best for your coloring & figure type.

When you gain confidence that you can handle yourself in most situations, your esteem will increase. And until you get there, act like you have it. Walk with your head up & shoulders back, smile, be friendly. You will be surprised at how well you'll start to feel about you.

Ps. If you can't get a handle ont his yourself, there are good low-cost or free counselling agencies in your community.

Answer 3

you probably feel you don't fit in with the people you have a low self esteem around.everone's different.but we are all brothers and sisters.so keep you head up!!