I've recently met a guy with some really endearing qualities. He dated another guy about a year and a half ago for a while, maybe 4-6 months (give or take). He fell in love. They stopped seeing each other but were still good friends. The guy he fell in love with, died recently, about 3 months ago (illness, not HIV).
I am falling for this guy pretty heavily. He's not over the loss, and/or possibly their old relationship. My feelings are causing me to want time/attention from him, but he's probably not ready for dedicating much of himself to seeing me seriously. I'm not great at knowing what to do/say with those dealing with a loss. I want to be supportive and help him with the grief... but I also wish he was past it and could give me a chance with a clear head. What can I do to reach both goals??
2007-02-19 06:16:05 · 11 answers · asked by tb75 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
edit: IKB... interesting response..the first sentence. How am I not supposed to get frustrated when I'm falling for someone and they don't show signs of falling for me at the same time? I want to be patient, but spending months feeling something for someone who isn't ready, is very draining.. stressful.
2007-02-19 06:27:34 · update #1
I'm straight, but I would think my answer would work for any relationship: Just be honest. Let the guy know how you feel but respect his sense of loss. tell him that you want a serious relationship with him, but understand if he's not quite ready. And in the meantime, you're happy to be there for him in any capacity he needs: an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, someone to take him out if he needs to just forget about it for awhile, etc. Showing that you are willing to be there for him will go a long way in letting him know just how much he means to you. Someone suffering from a deceased loevd one cannot be forced to move on any quicker than they are able. Just be his friend for now and whatever else may come alter will happen when he's ready
2007-02-19 06:23:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know it's difficult, but you must try to patient. Start off as a good friend, be his confidante that he can go to when he can't talk to anyone else, show him caring, understanding and sympathy. Losing a loved one is a very traumatic thing (i couldn't even imagine if i lost my boyfriend. i don't know if i could live without him) that takes time to heal from. And even if you could rush into a relationship, you could end up being more something to fill a void than someone he really loves because i'm not sure how clearly he could be thinking right now or if he's in the state of mind to really know right yet what he really wants or needs, and in the long run, it could potentially hurt both of you. But if you could just be patient and let your feelings for him be known, but also show him that you're willing to put them aside for him,regardless of how difficult and painful it must be for you, it'll show that you're selfless and that you really care about him, which i'm sure he'd really appreciate. But just be there for him, try to help him through this difficult time and then when he's finally ready to let go and move on, most likely it'll be with you.
2007-02-19 07:06:11 · answer #2 · answered by Miss Understood 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its always hard when you lose the one you love, I'm not saying he doesn't love you but you have to understand show him that your not there to replace him nor try to fill the part of his heart that the other person had....Just show him that your there for him and that he can count on you! Regardless the out come he can surely say you are one of a kind!!
2007-02-19 06:23:25 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him some time. Death usually affects some people deeply. Especially that of a loved one. Offer to spend time with him. Like take him out try to show him that life does go on. Don't try to push yourself on him. He may not be ready. It will take time I assure you.
2007-02-19 06:21:46 · answer #4 · answered by Licha 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i'm in the same boat as you.this guy i like,his boyfriend got killed in a hit and run accident.
hes still not over it,even though its been years now.
all you need to do is be there for him.there is nothing else you can do until he is ready to move on and to date again.he might not want to be involved with someone else for a long time.just be there for him as a friend.all you can do ya know.dont rush.dont make him rush into anything.
2007-02-19 06:53:34 · answer #5 · answered by south_parker98 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is going through something deeply upsetting to him. You mustn't push, no matter how much you like him. Just proceed with caution and don't push him to advance the relationship. Just take it slow and let him know that you are there for him.
2007-02-19 06:44:36 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trying to establish anything with this fellow at this moment may well be an exercise in futility. You'll never be able to compete with a ghost.
2007-02-19 06:51:26 · answer #7 · answered by castle h 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good Luck
2007-02-19 06:19:57 · answer #8 · answered by bboy244 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to be his friend first. i know its hard to put your feelings on hold, but your going to have to for a while. you dont want to rush him into a relationship, for it to fall apart later because he was on a rebound. if you really want it to to work be his friend. be there, you dont have to say or really do anything, just be there. let time do its thing. he has to heal.
2007-02-19 06:27:25 · answer #9 · answered by dynamite136 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Proceed slowly, do a lot of listening.
2007-02-19 06:25:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋