Can I keep the past a secret and still have a healthy relationship?

Question

I made a lot of mistakes between the ages of 20 and 24. I did Ecstasy, smoked a lot marijuana, and drank. I also slept with some prostitutes. I am a changed man. When I was 24, I made a decision not to screw up my life like my parents did. I now have a wonderful woman in my life who I love dearly. She has a 5 year old daughter who I love as well. I have not told her about my past with drugs and (even worse) the prostitutes. I have been checked for all STD's. In fact, before I kissed her, I made damn sure that I was free of all STD's. There is no way I can tell her. She would leave me. We have been together for nine months, and we respect and love one another. We have been in only one argument and we talked it out rationally. I know this is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I feel like damaged goods. She has a great past. She has always been a good person. So, please give me some advice, ANYONE. Thank you so much.

Answer 1

First of all you need to stop feeling like damaged goods. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. They made you what you are now, who you are. They made you appreciate different things in life and cherish them too. Sure, you cannot feel proud of what you've done. But there is no point to blame yourself now. The past is dust. Look into the future and enjoy today.

As for telling your girlfriend about your past: well, sure would be great to find someone who understands you completely and forgives you too, but it is not so easy. One has to go through similar experiences to fully understand the reasons. So, if you completely cut the ties with the past do not say anything. Bury the past. It is over. You are starting a new life with a girl you love, take care of her and her daughter today and tomorrow, be a good person now - that is what matters. Yesterday is gone.

Answer 2

That is pretty rough. Your intentions are good, and you have been responsible in making sure you are clean. There is one problem, though. She's going to find out anyway, and if it is not from your own mouth, then you are going to look even WORSE. You will be a liar, in addition to having a shady past. She will leave you then. You can't hide the past forever, unless you have completely and utterly cut yourself off from every single person who used to know you. All it takes is to bump into one person from the past, and your cover's blown.

The best thing you can do is come clean. Honesty will show that you are a changed man moreso than hiding the past. If she cannot come to grips with it, then it is simply not meant to be. Next time you find a decent woman, you'll tell her early-on, and it will likely not be that much of an issue. MOST men have at least a slightly-checkered past, if not more. She cannot afford to be that picky, provided that you prove that you're the man you say you are now. If she is so good and special, she will understand that your past is the past. She might not understand so well that you lied, however, so the sooner you do this the better. She WILL find out, and the later it happens, the worse of a blow it will be.

One thing you might consider doing is seeing a therapist about your past. Perhaps they will be able to suggest some good strategies to breaking the news. I'll be honest, if there is any way to permanently keep it a secret, it would be nice in your situation. I doubt it is possible, and the fact that you are not honest sheds some doubt on your character. I think it is going to be best for everyone if you come clean. Good luck!

Answer 3

If there is that much love between you and her she would not leave you so long as you told her properly. She should respect the fact that you made sure that you were free of STD's before you did anything physical with her. It showed how much you respect her and how much you care about her.
It seems that you have a very good relationship going and the thought of you girlfriend not being told about your past will be on your mind for the rest of the time you are with her.
It's probably best that you tell her when you feel the time is right because you wouldn't want her to hear it from someone else. It would seem to her like you don't trust her.

If its anything .... if my boyfriend told me that he had a past like yours but made sure he had nothing before he did anything with me i wouldn't care because that's not the person you are now.

Answer 4

Personally, I think you should tell her. You sound like you have changed, and that you genuinely are a good person now. This will probably be really hard for her to deal with, especially the prostitute part. She may very well need some time away from you to clear her head and separate your past from the man she knows and loves now. This will not be easy, but you coming clean now will be far better than her somehow finding out in the future. If there is really mutual love and respect, then it should be something that she can deal with, (eventually). Good luck to you with this, may God be with you.

Answer 5

I kind of relate to your situation. First of all, congrats on changing your life, while still so young. That was the first step to moving in the right direction. Secondly, you should have told her early on in the relationship. It would have saved some possible heartache. She could have made the choice early on as to if she wanted to look past your past behavior. She might have been able to do so. My wife was and we have been together for 3 years now.
Hopefully you and her can still down and have a frank talk about your past. Most likely your past will come back to haunt you at some time. In example, an old party friend calls or shows up and mentions "old times". Its better for her to hear it from you, then from someone else.
Good luck and I hope she doesn't run for the hills. Hopefully she can forgive you not telling her. Hopefully she will be proud that you felt comfortable enough discussing it with her and that you have changed your life around.

Answer 6

Your past is a history,is gone ,kaput..and it has nothing to do with you now. Did you have a detective to trace her past ? That she has a great past ? I am not putting this quest. to make you feel good. These exploring experiences comes out a good person out of you. A guy that I know, tells his past to his wife, he wants to come honest he love her so much,now he regrets it,his wife is always suspicious and fights him.I learned from him,don't be an open book. Delete you past in your memory.Help some young people,not to go through your experience,because it was painful and a waste of time and energy..Tell them, that you have been there. I don't have your past experience, but I am happy for you, of what you become.

Answer 7

The person you are now is the person she loves. I don't believe that you need to drag out your past since you are through with all those things. You have done the right thing by making sure that your shady past can not cause her harm. Now, forget it and move on. Never tell. Sometimes it is best not to tell when the telling will cause pain to the one being told, but will only serve to relieve your guilty feelings. You pay the price by keeping it to yourself.

Answer 8

thats not who you are anymore, she cares more about how you are with her and who you are going to be together. if it comes up be honest, eventually she may want to know all the peices of your life that taught you to be the man that she loves. but don't be like "hey hony i got me some prostitutes back in the day, what you think of that?" she going to think why are telling me this. if you feel the need to make a confession tell it to a friend or a priest or something. enjoy what you have now and focus on building a great future.

Answer 9

all human beings inclusive of this superb woman of yours, had achieved some thing they remorseful approximately and made errors. no you will administration how they have been reported. it relatively is to no longer say you're to no longer blame for the selections you made however the type you have been raised is a huge contributor to the type you're making judgements. and you for sure made a solid one once you desperate to no longer proceed self destructing. you're able to have a healthful relationship with this woman yet once you're simply by fact your previous is a secret then... some thing is erroneous. If she loves you and that i'm specific she might desire to, she would be in a position to take heed to what you may desire to declare and forgive the errors you have made. it could help her to understand you extra desirable and insure a extra look after destiny together with her. She wont go away you considering which you're no longer your previous. i think of that if it relatively is weighing on you lots which you will possibly desire to tell her. you will see the way it brings you nearer jointly to appreciate one yet another's historic previous. It wont substitute the destiny. while you're having hassle telling her considering which you do no longer understand how basically tell her you had a annoying life becoming up and you made extra errors than you care to think of roughly. tell her you're so ashamed of the flaws you have achieved which you're afraid to tell her. and then tell her that when you met her in the previous you even enable it enhance into something you made specific that your previous errors wuoldnt' touch her, which you're thoroughly sparkling. And sooner or later, be careful of putting your woman up in this way of extreme pedestal. Shes guaranteed to fall at times. all of us do.

Answer 10

Tell her about your past so you could feel open and free not locked up in your past. If I we're you I would tell the one i love.