What do you think of this poem? ...i wrote it myself.?

Question

Shes not smiling
She needs help
but shes lying
hiding behind the fake
smile locked onto her face

Don't let their words
keep you down
but they hit her like rain
and when it rains it pours
she drowns

Questions of her importance
dance in her mind
she sobs lightly
through her shattered words

She crumbles
at the slight chance of heartbreak
Sparkling tears of hopelessness
bleed through her disguise

I try to hold her heart still
through the worst
but the first touch
of their thoughts
make her fall apart

I wish the world
had second chances
but instead
were exploding with blue
and shot down by misery

Answer 1

I love it!!!!

Answer 2

its a nice first draft, but it needs work. Your point of view keeps changing. At first it seems you are talking about this person, then it seems you are talking to her. It changes the reader's focus.

The line breaks are a bit forced. Read the poem out loud, and break at the natural speech breaks. The words will flow better.

Also, just because you are writing poetry doesn't mean you should use punctuation. A well placed period or comma will help the reader read your poem the way you intended it. As it is, each line tends to just run into the next, making it hard to follow.

Also, your stanzas don't really work. You went 5/5/4/4/5/5. Was that intentional? I creates an awkward feel for the poem. The two middle stanzas feel like they are "missing" something because that 5th line isn't there.

Answer 3

I am a poet myself, and this is my advice: I liked the poem, it was nice, although I am not that dark. However, the last stanza didn't piece it all together, and that was when the poem fell apart. Rewrite it, and not only will your poem be much stronger, it can be summed up better. But great job! You have a real start in poetry. Keep writing!

Poetoffire 777

Answer 4

Really, it's very depressing. Like most teen poetry here, it's full of a lot of angst and doesn't really leave much to the imagination. Poetry is about imagery and there really isn't any of that in this alleged poem. I am sorry, but I did not care for it on many levels.Most of your peers will like it because tthey tooa re teens and write this kind of stuff. As you grow older and mature, you will leave this stuff behind - I hope!

Answer 5

your rhyme scheme needs work. Try making the lines longer. "When it rains it Pours" avoid cliche. "sparkling tears of hopelessness" good contrast. "Were exploding with blue" this line makes no sense. All in all it's a good poem but it needs work. Keep in mind this is MY opinion, in the end it's still YOUR poem. Good Luck

Answer 6

The poem is very nice. It be better of you to make more stanzas to make some elaboration although the content, tone, sound are pleasant to hear in the poem. Keep it up!

Answer 7

Very emotive. I felt and understood that lady even though I'm not depressed at all. I think that is the essense of poetry.

Answer 8

its a very good poem. did you write it based on reality? cus it sounds like the girl was someone you knew well. you write well, but concentrate on the flow of the poem. other than that, it sounds almost professional!

Answer 9

That is a beautiful poem, I feel like I am feeeling your pain.
Excellent Job.

Answer 10

It conveys sadness, but it's a little rough in regards to structure.

Pretty good overall.

Answer 11

I like it. You could almost make it into a song. Keep writing.