I have been asking my husband since 2002 to have a baby and everytime he has no response or a negative one. He first said that we could not afford it and we needed to pay all of our bills off. Then he said our crazy rotating shift jobs are a problem. Well it is now 2007 and we both have Mon.-Fri. day jobs and our credit card debt will be completely paid off in a few months. Now he says we still have to pay off bills completely, sale this house by next year, and buy a new home still. He doesn't approve of our neighborhood now. I'm 32 now and I don't know how long I can wait now. He also says we will need daycare and more money; so he wants me to make more money as well. Should I just give up and consume my life with other activities? Should I leave him and find someone who wants to have a family with me? I feel he will continue to have excuses involving bills and money until it is too late for me. We will have a house payments, car payments, and typcial bills.................
2007-02-19 01:18:25 · 12 answers · asked by bluegirldemus 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Was he this way before you got married? He might have lied and told you he wanted kids (then muttered, 'when i'm 70' under his breath). Now if he told you beforehand, you are an idiot for marrying him, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
Guys will often gloss over the kid thing when asked before marriage. Which is as stupid and dangerous as a woman glossing over the sex thing when asked before marriage.
Keep it short, but sit him down with a checklist. Say, "Here are the conditions you originally said had to be met for us to have a baby. Check, check, and check. Now it's a new set. I've been asking, believe it or not, for 5 years. Are you telling me you seriously never want children? I need to know and I won't be mad but I need to adjust my expectations."
Then be quiet and let him talk.
If he says never to kids, I would come back with "Well I am not mad, but this is greatly disappointing since before we wed you told me you wanted children. And I really want children. Not one - a few. You knew this before we got married. This could be a marriage breaker since I really want children and I want my husband to really want them as well. I don't want a child and not have my husband be involved and interested every minute of the day like I plan on being. So just getting me pregnant isn't enough."
Gut feeling - he doesn't want kids at all, ever, lied to you about it before you guys got married, and you better call it quits now before you are raising a child or two on your own. Obviously, whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant from this guy "on accident."
2007-02-19 01:36:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Communicate communicate communicate
There may be a fear he has about bringing a child into this world, or not being an adequate father.
All that you've said sounds like excuses from him.
There is something deep underlying preventing him from this huge lifelong commitment.
So really nut it out with him and tell him whats going on for you.
We're about to be parents in a weeks time and it was a dilemma for my husband at first. The whole thing for him was being responsible for me and a child ($$$). I assured him that I could always return to work afterwards. Its different now, he just wants me to stay home to raise and nuture our baby, money no object, but the conversations were long before we got to finally creating our family "together".
Don't give up.
2007-02-19 01:27:23 · answer #2 · answered by Roma 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
figures...my ex gf of just a few months ago got frustrated about the marriage/child commitment thing she felt i was lacking. long story short, i have had many life changing events recently (for the better) and I am now on board but she isn't buying it and giving me the silent treatment. I think I want all she wanted even more at this point. Funny how it never seems to sync up right. I thought when two people marry they are on the same page on this stuff. i guess not. hang tough and keep trying. something may make a lightbulb go off in his head like it did for me!
2007-02-19 01:37:05 · answer #3 · answered by keepingitgoing 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's never a good idea to have children with a person who doesn't want them. It doesn't sound like he wants children. So you need to decides what's most important to you.
A. You could leave him and find someone who feels the way you do about having children.
B. You could stay with him and never have children or wait until he's ready.
Basically you need to decide what you will and won't do, can and can't live without. Children are gifts, but they do cost money and take up a lot of your time. Can you go on without experiencing motherhood? That's basically the question. Or do you love your husband enough to deprive yourself of the joy of motherhood?
2007-02-19 01:23:29 · answer #4 · answered by T W 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever ask him straight out if he wants a baby? I would think this would have been a question that you would have asked before you got married. Ask him straight out if he really wants a baby. Don't do it in a mean way. If he doesn't want a child you need to ask yourself if that is something you can live with. Maybe there are reasons why he doesn't want children. Maybe he had a bad home life. maybe he is a stressed person. There could be many reasons. Do not get pregnant with a man who does not want to have a baby. That would not be a good situation to get into. You don't ask your husband to have a baby you ask him if he wants to have a baby. Good Luck
2007-02-19 01:27:30 · answer #5 · answered by smile4u 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell him...okay...if he doesnt' want children you can't force him...but you need more in your life to fill the void that you are feeling...that you are going to get involved in a women's club that takes bi-yearly trips out of the country...take shopping trips together to New York once a year...and maybe start babysitting evening hours at home so you can have somewhat of an experience having children around the home...I am sure you get the picture here....he will either get on board...or leave...either way the door opens up for you to have children...
2007-02-19 01:26:19 · answer #6 · answered by ticklemeblue 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you need to sit down and talk... only an open line of communication to each other will work.
Never get pregnant against his wishes ... wont do any good and could harm the relationship ...
get down to the real point why he is using those excuses...
However i can understand that he wishes to have maybe children in a stable financial situation.
join
2007-02-19 01:26:52 · answer #7 · answered by join_my_world_of_ignore 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sure sounds like your man does not want to hear the "pitter pat" of little feet. You will never be out of debt......(maybe credit card, maybe auto loans paid") but he makes it sound like he wants the mortgage on the home paid first, plus $$$$ in the bank. I would have the old heart to heart, if he can't commit to you to start your family, move on if it is your desire to be a mom. I feel your pain, I know this is hard....
2007-02-19 01:26:50 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't want children, money is just an excuse. You should have discussed this before marriage. Well, now you have two choices, leave him for someone who wants kids or accept that you'll never have kids and do something meaningful with your life.
2007-02-19 01:28:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
bills are always going to be there ... that shouldn't be an excuse... but i think personally you need to see if this is what you really what! if it is........ then talk to him about it...... sit him down and confront him saying that your not getting any younger and that you want a baby and that you will have one with him or not!........ that should get him to say something....depending on your conversation you decide whether the realationship is worth saving or not!
2007-02-19 01:23:42 · answer #10 · answered by yelenia0 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋