what do I do about a husband that doesn't come home at night?

Question

For the past month, everytime my husband goes to work, (chef in restuarant) he doesn't come home till the nxt day. I have talked to him about it on several occasions telling him how much it hurts me and he says he understands then does it again. we have a 2 yr old at home that he needs to care for in the morning if I work or have appointments and several times I have had to rely on other people to help me out because "I have no idea where my husband is". I don't want to break up our family but I can't do this anymore.

Answer 1

The first thing you need to do is open your eyes and think of ALL the possible reasons why your husband might be doing this. Especially if you really don't know where he is. Go stay with your parents or some close siblings or friends for a few weeks and let your thoughts clear. Really. Your perspective will change some. You aren't risking breaking up the family. Your husband is risking that by not putting his 100% into making it a good marriage and family. You are risking your self respect and contentedness with your own life by letting this go on in your life. Get out of the picture for a little while, go ahead and tell him why, and start clearing your thoughts. A lot of your questions will be answered if you'll get outside of the situation and take on a more objective point of view. One thing you should think about right now... you don't know where your husband has been going after work. You deserve a respectful direct answer as to that and to why and why he's not at home where he belongs. There should be no "gray areas" between you. Gray areas = hiding deceit. Listen to your gut feeling. I wish I had. In my case, I might have avoided contracting an incurable STD from my previous long term boyfriend. Not saying your hubby is cheating, but that is my first impression based on the info you give. But if it was happening to me (again) well, I probably wouldn't tolerate it. I'd be gone. But at the very least, I'd be making sure the grey areas were cleared up, all questions were answered, there were no more doubts, and he would have to prove that he's willing to stop being so selfish and make the effort to make things good for the entire family before I ever would consider going back to him. Matter of fact, you should go get yourself tested for STDs to see where you stand at this point. Some people have STDs without even knowing it.

Answer 2

You and your husband really need marriage counseling. It can help you. It might not save your marriage, but if your marriage cannot be saved, it can at least help you make that decision. There could be many reasons why he doesn't come home. It could be he's having an affair. It could be that he's depressed about his homelife, or he might even feel, justifiably or not, unwanted at home, and so he might be sleeping somewhere else, though not having an affair. Especially when a married couple is busy, and they have small children, parents, both mom and dad, go through difficult adjustments, even when the children are two, or three or even older. These adjustments in maturity, outlook, lifestyle, priorities and goals can have a very strong impact on a marriage, on emotional well-being and so on. Marriage counseling can help you understand these things better. Most importantly, try to listen, and try not to judge. Marriage is like a bridge, and when the bridge is damaged, impatience and anger can easily destroy it. It's fragile, and rebuilding it can take time and love: but it can only be done by BOTH of you working together. Marriage counseling can help you decide if this is possible. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 3

It's not up to you to "I don't want to break up our family".

Your husband has made the decision to break up your family. You have no family except you and your baby. Your husband is living else where with someone else. You need to begin procedure so that you and the baby can begin to plan your life without him hurting you and hanging one foot in, and one foot out the door. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too. This is life. Marriage is a total committment, and not a half of a committment, or when you feel like being committed.

Please talk to a lawyer and file for at least a seperation. Don't wait for him to change his mind or act right, because the baby can't wait. The baby needs a father right now, not when your husband feels like playing daddy.

You are putting your life on hold by wasting too much energy, time and pain into how to resolve this never ending problem.

I wish you and the baby the best. Do what is right for your child. The longer you wait, the more love and energy you take away from your baby.

Hoping the best for you.

Answer 4

You may not want to break up the family, but you need to deal with this issue. Based on his recent all nighters, you can assume that he's either involved with another woman, or running with the wrong crowd. Either way, the behavior has to stop.

Ask your husband if he wants to continue in the marriage. If he says he does, tell him that you can no longer tolerate the all night schedule. Understand that this is not about him watching the 2-year-old in the morning, it's about his gross disrespect for you, and his willingness to leave his wife and child unprotected during the night. If you didn't have to work or have appointments, would it be alright for him to come home the next day? No, it's not about that.

Let your husband know that if he intends to continue the behavior, you intend to seek legal counsel. You have given this man more than enough time to shape up, so don't play around with this one. Also, know that men sometimes do these things to force a divorce. That is, they don't have the courage to get out of the marriage, so they create a situation that forces the wife to initiate the divorce action. Be firm in telling your husband that if he doesn't want to be married, he needs to let you know so you can get on with your life. Again, don't play around with this one.

Answer 5

He doesn't give two donkey sh*ts about you or the kid.

But give him credit. He knows you. He knows if he listens to you rant and looks sincere and says something you want to hear, you'll keep letting him act like a complete *******.

Add a deadbolt to each door. Seriously. A locksmith or a contractor from Home Depot can do it in about an hour. Just add one to each door - a good looking strong deadbolt costs about $40-50 per door.

His shift is over at 7 PM - he has until whenever you two decide - 8 or 9 to get home - he's not there - bang. Deadbolt gets thrown on the front and back and side garage doors and he's sleeping in the car. Or with his girlfriend. Which is the topic of another post. But he is either a gambling addict, an alkie, or a cheater.

Anyway...

BUT TALKING DOESN'T WORK WITH MEN. blah-blah-blah blah blah. yadda yadda yadda. Big f*cking deal. She talked to me. Whoop dee do. YOU MUST TAKE ACTION.

Oh , and stop relying on him for childcare. Hire a sitter or arrange for drop-off childcare for the mornings. Put some of that chef cash to use for you.

Answer 6

Jennifer, I am sorry to say this but......."you need to do something drastic to wake your man up and let him know that your done playing". I had a guy like this too, watched him drive by the house everynight after work TO THE BAR....sometimes he made it home and sometimes he didn't. Sometimes he made it home and I wished he wouldn't have. I would pack up a weeks worth of clothes and the childs clothes, go stay with family or friends (somewhere he wouldn't come looking for you), don't leave a note, don't call him, don't take his calls. If he wants to resolve the problem he will make an effort....if he doesn't end the relationship, take him for child support. I know how painful this is ...I cried a river in this relationship. Whatever he is doing is not to be trusted......any indicators there is someone else? Is he nice to you and your child when he is around? My ex had the balls to bring his 22 years his junior CUPWHORE home, drunk and on meth....Still ugly after 3 years......

Answer 7

His love and respect for you ended sometime ago, as he was surely planning this long before he started acting the way he does. He's more than likely found a young hottie that is fullfilling his needs an doesn't feel a need to be home at night with you.

He doesn't appear to care about your needs at all. He's being selfish and self-centered and only seeks to please himself.

About the only thing you can do is sit him down and talk to him about this and ask him if he'd like to divorce and pay ton's of alimony and childsupport, health care for the child etc. Just flat out tell him that this will be the end result once he's in court on a divorce proceeding.

If this doesn't get his attention to straighten up, then it's your only recourse.

Answer 8

Jennife,

You have to do something. 1. Does he have a reason to be out as late as he is at the restaraunt? 2. If he does, explain to him you need him to be home at a certain time because he needs to take second shift with your child. He needs to be attentive and fully awake, otherwise he might take his tiredness out on your child by being cranky. 3. If he has no good reason to be out so late, ask him why, demand a reasonable answer. 4. If need be suggest counseling if you want relationship to work. If he doesnt accept, seperate if you can until he realizes his role as a husband and father. 5. If the seperation or counseling doesn't work, it might be time to end the relationship before your child understands the gravity of the situation.

Answer 9

I'd say, go for the left nut. One swift kick ought to do the trick.

Seriously, he's probably fooling around. Hire a P.I. Then when you divorce, you will have your proof and be entitled to all you need to take care of you and your child. Then you can find someone who really wants a family. Oh, go get a pap and make sure he hasn't given you some STD. Good luck.

Answer 10

Be patient. May be your hubby has got some personal problems. Most men don't share their problems with their spouse or anybody and sometimes we women always assumes we're the only ones with problems or difficulty. Men do too, and it takes a "wife" who is loving, patient, caring, respectful to handle a man's problem.

The other reason your hubby may not want come home could be, he doesn't wanna come home to a nagging, yelling, angry, selfish, uncaring, impatient, disrespectful wife. hope that's not the reason.......but in any case its always good to look within, do some soul searching to be sure you're not the one sending him out with an awful attitude.

Wish you the best