What do I do about my husbands judgemental friends?

Question

My husband and I have been together eleven years married for almost seven, he has been friends with and hung out with the same group of people since he was about ten years old, the problem is two girls who are very judgemental of me - we went to an outdoor concert about eight years ago, I got dehydrated, my then boyfriend came with me to find some shade, rest and get some water, in the mean time leaving one of his favorite bands - since then I have been "selfish" according to this one friend, same friend has now been giving my husband a hard time because we just had our thrid child, she is alone with no children. Found out through the grapevine that she and another "friend" have had a thing for my husband for a very long time, and deam me to be not "good enough" for him. These people are not the type of people that I have ever been friends with, but I have tried to be nice, and socialize with them when my husband goes out with them, now I told my husband that I no longer wish to put up

with them, don't care if he goes out with them, put I won't any more. Now he thinks that I don't want him to spend time with them or that I don't want to spend time with him. Have tried explaining that I just don't like the way they judge me and no longer wish to try to please them, this is causing my husband and I to argue, with each other, which we rarely do. What should I do? I am not a confrotational person, and have never said any thing to said friends, I just don't like the way they treat me so I don't want to be around them, is that wrong?

Answer 1

You want the truth, right? OKAY!! It's time to say Me or Them??? I think you already know that. It's the same as it is for family members----if they hurt your marriage they have to Go!!!Good Luck!! He thinks he can do what he wants because you have 3 little kids and he has his bluff in on you!! Be prepared to throw him out and support yourself and then tell him to Make His choice!! @8-]

Answer 2

Just stand up for youself! YOU got the man honey, if they want to be awful cows, let them. Don't take any notice. I know it's hard though because it makes social outings uncomfortable.

How sad that they aren't making an effort to welcome a loved one of their friend into their circle. You should probably ask yourself whether you actually want to be friends with people like that! I also think your husband should stand by you in any disagreement with other people, no matter what! It should be the 2 of you against the world!!!!!

It sounds like jealousy of the worst kind. Maybe they realise their little clocks are ticking and they will die all alone without a husband or children ;)

My advice would be to be your own person, stand strong and don't let them get to you because their power lies in the fact that they can make you unhappy and that they can cause you and hubby to fight about it!

Answer 3

Are you sure you don't want to be around when your husband is with his friends who happen to be scheming women who are after your husband?
But your are right that you don't have to put up with all that abuse from his friends. I'm sure you love your husband and with 3 kids, it's important to stay a family. So, surprise him with a special dinner and night of fun. When the time is right, explain how much you love him and give him specifics of how he makes a good husband and that being the good man he is, you expect him to stand up for you and not let his friends put you down. Tell him it turns you on to have a real man who takes care of his family, and protects his wife.

Answer 4

He's been with these same people for much of his life....so I don't think he's going to easily give them up....until he grows up a bit more and sees them from his newly-evolved perspective. Your primary relationship is with your husband...and there will be various people who cross your pathway (and his, too) that neither of you will like...

I would expect your husband to understand your perspective and respect your desire to severely limit the time with that group of people.....and perhaps instead of no longer seeing them at all (and thus further alienating your husband), you could agree to see his friends at a frequency that allows him to remain connected but that also respects your desires as well...and then agree on a time that you and he will return home.

He shouldn't expect that you will become instant friends with his friends...but while with his friends, take the high road in your communications. Learn how to say something without saying anything at all...research Miss Manners on the Internet and read her guidance...also try searching for Dear Abby advice. Try a search for 'diplomacy' and 'diplomatic language' as well. You want to learn new ways of communicating that allows you to remain distant and separate from his friends yet still appear as a vibrant, confident couple. Since there will be other similar circumstances all through life, it sounds like it's now time for you to learn and practice new communication strategies.

Otherwise, try to engage him in other activities with other people...try volunteering together locally, for example, for the both of you to meet new people....

Good Luck!

Answer 5

Ok first off, your hubby should never allow anyone to treat you unfairly and his first priority should be to safe-guard your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do and every right not to want to hang out with these people. If they were true friends to your husband, then they would try and get to know you better and be less judgemental of you. You have three kids with this guy so they should hang it up. Propose to your husband a meeting with everyone involved to discuss your concerns and get everything out in the open.
If he isnt willing to do this, then make sure he understands that you have done everything in your power to resolve this, and you arent about to put up with anymore crap.
Do not put yourself in social situations with people that are bringing you down.
You have every right to not hang with these people and your husband is failing you and not being a good husband.

Answer 6

Are they calling you selfish and not good enough to your face because if they are you need to stick up for yourself. If they are telling your husband these things he needs to stand up for you. Don't stay home go with your husband because if you stay home they will just have more wood for the fire 'your too good to go out with them' 'you don't really want to spend time with him and his interests' so on and so on. Eight years is a long time to be battling over a war you already won.

Answer 7

I know about husband's childhood "friends". Mine told him to leave me while our newborn daughter was still in the ICU. He didn't do it cuz I did confront him about it. I told him that if what he wanted was the "single" life with his friends then go. I also told him that when he realized that he had lost a good wife and a beautiful family it would be to late. I was not going to wait for him or pine for him. I also told him that I was (and am) a mom first, a wife second, and a friend last. And maybe he needed to take a good look at himself to figure out what his priorities were.
Maybe you should do the same? But if you do you need to be ready for him to pick his friends.

Answer 8

Yea you're judgmental. once you point out you're being an open strategies individual then why might you reject specific human beings. i think of you're incredibly extra into the classic issues. the best which you will do is in basic terms consult with human beings provide them a raffle. If no longer a 2nd threat while you're open to new opportunities. No ones suited, yet do undergo in strategies, anybody might attempt. it kind of feels to me you're a style of folk. incredibly of watching human beings's flaws, seem at yours first and ask what are you able to do to alter it.

Answer 9

hi there ....you seem to be in a right state about this ...so these people are his friends and due to you getting the feeling that they do not like you are seriously going to stress youreself out on these jealous gits .....why ?????you are the one who is married to him that they so desperatley want ....he wants you to be with him ......look i wouldnt say youre actions are wrong ....you just need to look at them differently .....oh to be honest id have a real ball with this pair of jealous sods ....cause when you think about it ,,.....thats what they are ...you are the one that has had his children ,and as for going out together well you better believe me id be proud to sit next to the husband and lean against him and look them straight in the eye and watch them squrim ....as they have no rights to go anywhere near YOURE MAN !!!!!1do not let these bullies and that is what they are is bullies .....get to you ....this is not youre problem this is theres ......go and enjoy youre life with youre family and let no one make you feel less then what you are a caring wife and mother to youre children .....and as for youre husband the next time he mentions going out .....go with him .....and really enjoy youre time out to gether and to hell with those rude sods ........good luck and take care xxxx

Answer 10

These are your husbands friends and they don't have to be yours.

I would no longer socialize with these people and I would question my husband's judgment about who his friends are.

His friends don't have to like you but he shouldn't put up with his friends being disrespectful to you.