Absence of father will affect my psychological future?

Question

Im in dire need of Psychology experts
Before the age of 13, I had a happy childhood, father present, parents married..then after that age, everything fell apart and my parents divorced, dad moves out permanently (havent seen him in years)...However my mother has played an extremely important role in my life. Now, Im 17 years old and Im currently staying with a host family in France...the family bonds are very stable, however its me who is having emotional difficulties concerning the dad in the family. I just cant' stand him and he is really doing nothing wrong! He is a decent guy, however when he tells me what to do, (like concerning chores) it just frustrates the heck out of me! And the mom, in my opinion, works much more than he does! She leaves for work; he is still there, he comes home from work before she does..and we all know about the french cuisine and the female dominance in that area, but he does nothing to aid her! Will I ever be able to live happily with a man?

I love all your responses (well most, not the one about it being the female's fault!)

Just one quick thing...the absence of a parent figure can lead (im generalizing) to two things; either the child being independent and self-sufficient or totally needy and clingy. Some of you assume Im the former, however I must admit Im not that independent because my mom is a strong parent....just a note

Answer 1

Ok you cant look at this particular situation and assess your own psychology from it because what your looking at is entire different culture through the eyes of your own culture and up bringing. You are looking at this from the stand point that your mother held up the entire house on her own and then looking at this couple you are with and thinking "ok I dont get why this woman has a man around when she does most of the stuff...and heck my mom did everything with out a man" So without understanding the French culture all together try not to apply it to your own expereinces.
But aside from this having a father not present is going to affect you. You already have the notion that you are going to be able to make it without a man. Your mother has already shown you how this is done. So maybe thats not a bad thing. Yet it might present problems when it comes to getting close to a man anytime. You may end up being to pigheaded to give yourself to a man! But at some point you will meet a man that meets your needs in the areas of understanding your independence and when you do you would be surprised how much you actually will trust him enough to give up a little of independence so that you can be a happy couple.
I grew up without a mom and I ended up being very reserved and independent. I dated a guy at one time and while I loved him he couldnt accept my need to always remain somewhat independent. So needless to say we only lasted a couple of years. When I met my husband he seemed to understand more and never tried to get to give up who I was. As I learned to trust him more and trust in the fact he wasnt out change me, I changed.

Answer 2

I went through a similar thing with no father present at all after age 7. He really wasn't that present before he left either. I was basically left on my own after age 11. My mother was a strong personality and I made it through my teenage and adult years OK. Three things. 1) It is quite normal not to want to listen to anyone they try to boss you around when you are 17. You are an adult and most likely more independent than many 17 year olds with a father in the home. 2) Try to develop a since of self before getting into the boyfriend stage. A boyfriend is not a father and usually not smarter--in many ways at least--than you are. 3) Compromise is important in any mature relationship. Remember, you are NOT your mother and you can have a successful relationship. (I've been married 25 years!) Be an individual first: travel, study, have friends to hang around with, laugh. Use friendships/relationships with boys/men as a learning experience. When you are ready, you will meet the one for you and everything will fall into place.

Answer 3

Of course you could. Why? Because even science doesn't have a solution to inhibit "love". You know, i think you just need to wind up. You hate men because you're afraid they're like your father. I'm not saying that your father is bad, maybe you're just afraid that that man will eventually leave you, just like what your father did. Maybe you still have not fully accepted the fact that what happened to your family will never change; it's a dead-end. Maybe a part of you is still in denial and is still clinging onto a small hope that everything will be alright again. Unless you don't let go, i believe you'll never be happy with any man ever. And about the no parent thing, absence of parents is just one factor in being independent/dependent. It does teach one thing though: the world is not perfect.

Answer 4

I actually raised a brow when you told me you are living at the home of a host family in France! That is tremendous. Give yourself some credit and kudos.

I can't answer if you can ever live happily with a man. Why do you think you have to? Is there someone wrong with living alone, or with a girl, friend, lover, neither?

From the movie "Dangerous Liasions," (Michelle Pfieffer, John Malkovich, Glenn Close, Keanu Reeves, Uma Thurman) "Men don't love like we do."

Don't compare every man with these two men, who do display very poor character qualities.

P.S. I am not a lesbian, but I would rather not live with a man.

Does that mean it is because of this that happened or that. No, it is from experience of dating and living with a man AND just the way I AM. I like being alone. I also don't want children. Pain in the *** to have to deal with 24/7. Cheers to the woman who can. There was a famous courtship (I wish I could recall now) in which they kept their own apartments, were faithful, deeply in love, just didn't choose to live together.

You're young, you are simply worrying and in the process grasping at straws. A GREAT BOOK to read is, 'The Road Less Traveled,' it deals with this sort of thing in the first chapter. Besides, it is one of those reference books you don't lend and keep on your bookshelf/library. Another GREAT BOOK is, 'Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am,' by John Powell (150 pgs.).

I believe my advice will help and these two books will give you insight for not just dealing with this particular situation, but your life in general.

Answer 5

I believe in not getting too dramatic about anything too soon. Most possibly it's simply a matter of personality clashes and nothing else. You are at an age where being told what to do, especially by someone you don't respect much, definitely will annoy you. My daughter and I got on extremely well until she reached the age of 17... Okay, fortunately the fights were few and short-lived and we're like best friends again!

Try to see this in perspective - you are one of thousands of young girls of your age group who have experienced a run-away-father. It's sad but true. Some of these girls develop into strong, balanced adults, some not. It's up to you to make the best of your life. You sound like an intelligent, sensible person who should be able to leave the past behind and face a bright future without too much help from psychologists and therapists. Of course, if you do need them one day, by all means make use of their services.


In the meantime you'll just have to be patient with your host and even try to like and respect him. It will only make your stay more pleasant if you make an effort to see him in a more positive light.

And... if you can't tolerate this man it certainly doesn't mean you won't be able to stay in a relationship one day!

Answer 6

sounds like your resentment towards your father is resurfacing here and that you have developed a strong respect for women due to your relationship with your mother. the strong reaction you are having now, is most likely due to the father role this man plays in the current situation, and is triggering very familiar feelings relating to your past.

your experience may have influenced you by having the important male figure in your life effectively (though, not necessarily actually true) abandon you. your once secure relationship with him was shattered, leaving your sense of self worth also in tatters.

at 17, you have remarkably already done some very effective self soul searching and seem to have a good understanding of the underlying effects this all may have and your outward reactions to it.

therefore, i think you will easily be able to work through, with the help of a psychologist, your underlying emotions regarding this, and be able to effectively move on.

good luck.

Answer 7

I think you will be once you give up your past. You cant let the negative things in your past dictate your future. You learn and you move on. Let go of your insecurities and your relationships will blossom on a whole different level.

Sounds like your father really does love you- he probably felt guilty for going through a divorce and didnt know how to show his love to you because in reality he couldnt be around you all the time. When he did come around it was probably to much for him to handle. But I think until you can truly let go of that, you will continue to have problems with any male adult figure in your life, including your husband.

Realize that no one is perfect and dont take things so personal....

Answer 8

In human life everyone is not a bad guy. It is true that you have faced some what abnormal situation. Directly to blame your father for the happening is also not correct, as some situations, mis-understanding or lack of homogeneity in beliefs and thoughts might have lead to their separation, However, to consider every father as a bad man is not an acceptable thing. Please, consider every person as a good human being until and unless he/she behaves opposite to the belief. Start loving kids and slowly you will understand the meaning of true love and affection, which may help you in transforming your views.

Answer 9

Baby, go talk to a professional as soon as possible, and take care of this potentially life destroying resentment towards men. My parents divorced when I was only three, and each remarried and divorced other people three additional times before I was your age. I’m still single and incapable of love, trust or any of the other many things necessary to have a loving caring relationship. Don’t be stubborn and think this will just go away by itself. Please get help working thru this issue soon, so you can have a happy and fulfilling life.

Answer 10

I can understand that in your subconscious, you blame your father for deserting you middway and have started seeing the women as the one´s who are shouldering all the burden alone. But do not let your bitter experience of the past hinde your bright future. You are so young and have a life to lead.