How do i prove to him that i am not like his ex?

Question

Ok, this is so complicated but i guess there has to be someone out there that has been through something similar ( i hope)
I have a guy in my life that i would do anything for, he is my best friend, my daughter's father, he makes me laugh, he is a great listener all in all a great guy.
BUT.. he won't committ to a long term relationship because he was so badly burned by his ex
I have heard all the details by now (i won't bore you with him) but suffice it to say it was bad)
Now, i understand why he is afraid to committ, he thinks i'll do the same to him as she did, but the thing is i wouldn't, over the last 6 years i have been 100% faithful to him, i would never ever hurt him deliberately i tell him everything i never lie in short i would never do to him what she did but i cannot seem to convince him! We are together now 7 years and we have a good relationship but i want something more (like living together for a start) what can i do????

He does spend 2 sometimes 3 nights a week at mine, the other 4/5 nights he's either working or out with the lads. I have no reason to think there is someone else involved. There have been nights loads of times when he has said he was too tired to call to mine when i've called up to him on spec and found him doing exactly what he had told me he was doing, he says you see that we spend alot of time together as it is and that if we were together full time we'd kill each other but i don't think we would! ;(

Answer 1

if you are good to him, it is not fair for him to treat you like this. you shouldn't be punished for what his ex did to him. tell him you love him and deserve to be treated better, in the form of a real relationship. if he won't commit by a certain date, you should move on and find someone dedicate to you and your daughter.

Answer 2

You are not the issue. You have just been led to believe that is the case. There is obviously something that he doesn't want to give up. Something that you probably don't have a clue about and he is not likely to tell you what it is. He could be deceiving himself and not be sure of the real reason himself. Or be in denial about it.

You should accept his friendship and look for the rest elsewhere. Reality may cause him to rethink his position but, you should not go about this with some empty hope that he will fear loosing you and change. He is getting all he wants from this relationship. You deserve the same and this doesn't appear to be the place you are going to find it.

We can only change ourselves. 7 years of faithful duty to this guy. You are a prize that many men would do battle to have as their own. Don't ever feel that you must be validated by anyone other than yourself.

Answer 3

Oh dear, one of those! This wee boy just isn't ready to settle down! Unfortunately he never thought of this before he dipped his wick to put it plainly. I've just finished a 6 year relationship with a guy exactly the same situation, I decided I was worth a lot more than he was prepared to offer, his loss as far as I'm concerned. Be blunt with this so called nice guy and give him an ultimatum of taking responsibility (being a mature adult) or staying a wee boy, who can do as he pleases. In the end it's all up to you, how long you are prepared to wait for your boy to become a man but think about it, you'll be growing old alone, with all the responsibility, whilst he's out playing basically. If you have to shoulder the responsibility on your own, do it and get out there and find a man, who Wants You and your nipper. Don't find yourself bringing up two children. Be strong! Good luck!

Answer 4

I haven't been through the exact same thing, but my BF was badly burned by his ex too and seems surprised that I'm not as evil as she is.

When I suggested he get a massage for his sore shoulder one time, he said, "You'd let me do that?" I guess his ex didn't "let" him do that, fearing he'd cheat. But I told him, he's a man and he can do what he wants. I can't "let" him do anything. And if he were determined to cheat, he would. Masseuse or no masseuse.

First, I'd try to impress upon your BF that since he is your daughter's father, as you say, he is ALREADY committed (or at least he'd better be). Maybe try to get him to see how his non-committal behavior is affecting your daughter. Does he REALLY want her growing up in a home without a dad? He "committed" himself enough to help make her but not to be with her all the time? Wouldn't she think, "Dad doesn't want to be with me either"?

It's one thing if two married parents divorce. But to have a kid and not be married or even live together out of fear? (although I don't believe in living together...)

Have you considered therapy? Whatever you do, don't make an ultimatum. They never work out.

Answer 5

My husband and me were the same way, except we did move in together, and married 4 years later. By not living together that seems like a very big test, and exactly what is "he" doing when he says he is home alone? Just because someone was in a bad marriage doesn't give them the right to take full control over a present relationship. Show me one person that has never been seriously hurt by another. It sounds like he is having a pitty party for him self. If he wants to spend his life basically alone then let him. If he knows that you aren't "going anywhere" then he will never change.

Answer 6

You don't 'prove' anything to him - you have no need to. The rest is up to him.

If he won't 'give in' then you really haven't lost anything since you two are pretty much together as it is.

It does very much sound as if it is giving you a lot of stress - do you really need that?

Is there anyway that you can relinquish this somewhat obsessive need to 'have' him. Since from what you have said he has pretty much given you all that he can do (for the moment at least).

Besides, you have the best of both worlds: a loving partner who does all for you and your own free time and space to do with as you would wish without being hassled by 'him indoors'... Is that not what a lot of women would ask for?

Answer 7

ARE U SURE THAT HE IS NOT USING THE PAST RELATIONSHIP AS A EXCUSE SO THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO COMMIT???????? HE'S GOT A GOOD DEAL HERE SO WHY WLD HE WANT TO RUIN IT FOR HIMSELF BY MAKING A COMMITMENT. TELL HIM THAT HE EITHER COMMITS TO THE RELATIONSHIP OR U ARE GOING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH U AND MAKE U HAPPY. IF HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT THE TWO OF U, HE WILL DO THE RIGHT THING. IF NOT, GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND STOP WASTING IT. GOOD LUCK

Answer 8

It sounds like an excuse not to settle down, i mean whats more of a commitment then getting you pregnant? gosh it sounds like he'd rather spend his time as a carefree man out with his mates

you being taken for a mug

Answer 9

i don't wanna sound harsh, but this just sounds like an excuse to me you know. No one can be stupid enough after seven years with you to think you are like someone else if you aren't. I would either accept this is how it's going to be, give him a choice to choose a life with you or get lost, but you have to accept he may chose to get lost!
Good luck.

Answer 10

to me it also sounds as an excuse. he doesn't think u re the one for him, so he found that excuse. if a man loves a woman he commits and he forgives even if she cheats on him