ever since i was young, i've always craved my mother's approval, felt like i needed it for me to be happy. after coming out, and being told by my mom that i was going to Hell, i became depressed. so much so that i tried to commit suicide. then, a bright ray of hope entered my life. i met the woman that's now my wife. i've never been happier in my life. at 28 years old, i realize that i now need to cut the apron strings and begin to feel validated in my own life seperate from her. my wife says that i need to keep her in my life, because as much as her(my mom's) disaproval hurts, i only have one mom, and i need to honor her. my wife doesn't particularly like my mom, but treats her w/respect. what can i do to strike a harmoneous balance btwn my indepence w/my wife, and not abandoning my mom?
2007-02-18 22:29:46 · 10 answers · asked by kelleygaither2000 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
You can still love and respect your Mom, even though you're trying not to seek her approval. Your partner sounds like a good person, it takes strength to respect someone you don't like.
It's all a growing up process, and it takes time and work to distance ourselves from our families in some personal matters. It will take some trial and error before you strike a balance between your Mom and your independence. Just let her know you love her, keep respecting both her and YOURSELF and you'll get through it. Good luck!
2007-02-18 22:52:57 · answer #1 · answered by FTW 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
How do you suppose you are craving her approval when according to your own words you are trying to control your mother who understands why conception is between one man and one woman and in a biblical sense within marriage. Where did you come from? She also most likely has a relationship with God who appointed her as your parent so has no choice but to continue doing so if she considers herself a parent. The act of homosexuality isn't exclusive, meaning parents today have many issues they must not ignore. Your age doesn't matter except for this ...after a 18 legally your parent is no longer responsible financially because you are no longer in need of financial support and have been given life skills. Also, consider children cannot take care of themselves. Today's theory of "you are an adult now" doesn't erase your parents and doesn't erase a parents son(s)/daughter(s). If the fad of today was real when your mother was asked "do you have any children"...she would be able to honestly say no. It's not real - therefore, yes I ___ number of sons and/or daughters. Don't expect to accomplish role reversal and live peacefully.
"i became depressed. so much so that i tried to commit suicide"
And this would be your mother's fault? Your mom knows this is your personal walk with God, if she is a true believer, but do not expect to be able to tape her mouth shut. Part of her personal walk is that she is a parent so I am confused how your depression is the result of a parent being honest? This is a good example as to why there needs to be total separation between church and state. Secularism preaches apathy not empathy altho it manipulatively suggests it mirrors religion.
2007-02-19 07:32:55 · answer #2 · answered by GoodQuestion 6 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I think it's a natural thing to crave your Mother's approval - even if she is a devout Southern Baptist.
My advice would be to just be yourself. Your mother will have to deal with her beliefs and her issues with your sexuality.
I reckon time will bring some accapetance from your mother. At least, I hope so.
2007-02-19 06:36:22 · answer #3 · answered by Chris B 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Only be around her when she shows respect towards you. If she starts getting on your about something and being critical of your sexuality or anything else, ask her to stop. If she doesn't stop then leave. You're doing your part to build a relationship with her, but you're not allowing her to treat you like crap that way. I wish you the best.
2007-02-20 00:15:35 · answer #4 · answered by carora13 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I also went through the whole "Struggle for Approval" in my own life. Mostly my issues concerned self-hatred and self-condemnation, based upon all the dogmatic, stereotypical teachings and CONDEMNATIONS of the religious dogmatics.
They say that they believe in unconditional love (eg: "hate the sin but love the sinner") Yet THEIR "unconditional" love is CONTINGENT UPON your compliance to their "selective interpretations". One must either view God in exactly the same way as the dogmatist - or suffer ridicule, isolation, rejection, and condemnation for believing something "wrong" .
Aparently God gave them some unique "corner on the truth", and if you want to know God, you must go through their channels to get to Him.
Today, finally, I have learned to love and accept myself. I am a good person who has the love and blessings of many other GOOD people. And I know that God loves me, regardless of my flaws and my humanity (or maybe BECAUSE of them).
I'm NOT one who pretends to have THE TOTAL AND UNIQUE UNDERSTANDING of God. I don't pretend to possess the fullness of God... I am content to be one small aspect of HIS possession.
The judgementalism and hatred does not come from God. It comes from well-intentioned, unthinking, narrow-minded people... who refuse to look beyond what they have always been taught, and who refuse to consider any original thinking of their own.
They are controlled, and learn to control others with fear! [And I don't mean "Respect for God" as the interpretation for their definition, demonstration, or the bigotry and hatred they promulgate with the misuse of fear.] The world once "believed" that the earth was flat... until somebody dared stand against the ignorance.
2007-02-19 08:35:58 · answer #5 · answered by J Andy A 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mom is also Southern Bapist and my father was Penn. Quaker so talk about disfunctionsal so I JUST GAVE LOOKING FOR and craving her approval . I discovered that I don't need her approval I need her to relaize I wasn't going to change back to the little girl she wanted me to be, just accept her for who she is and hope she will accept you for who you are.
2007-02-22 19:05:46 · answer #6 · answered by TIGGER 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Put all your faith in me (Your Gay Lord) and be true to yourself and your partner. Life's to short to worry about pleasing mom.
2007-02-19 06:37:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
Well, giving your mom respect is where most relationships are supposed to be, no matter sexual preferences. It is normal to want to please your parent. Ask God for help.
2007-02-19 06:35:55 · answer #8 · answered by desertflower 5 · 1⤊ 4⤋
This might sound selfish but you have to live for you first. If you don't live for you, try and know who you are & what you want out of life, you'll always go to your mother (in my case it was my father) for approval. In a way it's like never having to grow up..if you are a little girl you live for your family..in your case your mother. In a sense you never have to be responsible for your actions because you can always tell yourself "Well, I was doing it for my Mom." Or "my Mother said..."
It seems like you are living on your own now with your wife and that's good but although your wife has good intentions by saying," that i need to keep her in my life, because as much as her(my mom's) disaproval hurts, i only have one mom, and i need to honor her." you don't have to have your Mom in your (face 24/7) life. She can be there as much as you ALLOW her to be in your life. Trust me..my mother did horrible things to me as a child and in her own selfish way still tries to hurt me. I have forgiven her for the horrible abuse that she rained down upon me when I was helpless..a child...but I do not forget. My mother still tries to hurt me ranging from subtle ways to outright relapses of her behavior towards me when I was younger. Just an example: when I had my one & only child, my son, she tagged along with my sister to the hospital to visit. After seeng my son, she said,"How did such a beautiful thing come out of you." I said something like "thanks Mom, you're still doing it." She said it was a joke. Real funny...riiiight. But I just stay out of her way. I have brothers and sisters who could tell me if she needed help or anything and I would do whatever I could for her. Will I let her come over for Sunday tea? Hell no! But I do forgive her. I have not abandoned her... I just avoid putting myself in situations with a woman who can be really cruel & hurtful. There does not need to be a harmonious balance between your wife and your mother. Your wife makes you happy; your mother does not. Be true to yourself, your feelings, what YOU want out of life. You sound like a caring person..I don't think you'd be a "bad" person if you stopped trying to please your Mom and live a your life with your wife. Love is so hard to find..cherish it & don't let anything get in the way of your happiness. I used to live for my Dad. He had always wanted me to go to NYU so I left Brooklyn College where I started out in Film and of course, he never said a nice word about it. I mean the school begged me to stay; they thought I was a brilliant filmmaker and would give their school a good name..a famous alumni thingie. But Nooooo I had to go to NYU for my dad. and you know what? I hated NYU and missed all my friends at Brooklyn College and my dad couldn't have cared less that I transferred to NYU because I went in for film and nevermind that it's considered the best film school on the planet and on a scholarship to boot..nooo that wasn't good enough..I was supposed to have gone to the business school and I never heard the end of it. I tolerated his criticism for two reasons: 1. I wanted his approval because 2. His approval meant that he loved me. One day I was really angry at him (even though I worshipped him) and told him I did everything for him...to make him proud of me. He told me to grow up & live for myself. That he would be happy if he saw that I was happy in my own life. He asked "Can I convince him to like a Picasso painting if he doesn't like Picasso?" I said" I could try and persuade him to like it." He said "No. I like what I like and you like what you like & nothing is going to change that unless I want to be fake and pretend to like what others want me to like which is living a lie."
I have noticed that the more independent I grew the less he seemed to be in my life. It hurt until I realized that the reason he wasn't checking in on me was because he didn't have to. I started to grow up and be me. That's what you have to do: be yourself and too bad if Mother doesn't like it because that's who you are. You an be polite to your mother but you can't let her run your life. You have a beautiful relationship with your wife; let that be the start of your life. YOUR LIFE. That doesn't mean exclude your Mom..just make your interaction with her more bearable..and if that means taking a break from her for a bit to figure out what you REALLY want from your relationship with your Mom then so be it. Just do the right thing for yourself (as long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else) and everything will fall into place.
2007-02-19 08:08:30 · answer #9 · answered by uberbitch9 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
put all your faith in the Lord. In the end His will be done and the rest is all malarkey.
2007-02-19 06:33:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 6⤋