6 years ago a woman other than my wife came on to me...?

Question

after the initial kiss, which I abrubtly ended, I have never seen the woman since. I attempted to be totally honest with my wife and told her the whole situation, and she (rightly so???) was livid and responded by physically attacking me, leaving bruises etc. I tried to work this out years ago by meeting with the other woman and my wife to try and show that nothing more than the first come on happenned. However, in the past 6 years, she cannot drop it. She repeatedly brings it up and (it seems to me) whenever she doesn't get her own way, she threatens to leave me citing my adultrous ways/infidelity and dishonesty. If I didn't have kids with her we would have divorced years ago. How can I expectto continue a relationship when every time I attempt to be totally honest or we have a difference of opinoin withthings that (IMO) I either have no fault in or are water under the bridge it gets thrown in my face and results in a 2 day argument?

Answer 1

It won't get any better, you're gonna leave sooner or later. Your only choice is to just become roommates, if you want to stay for the kids. But, you should flip the script, stop having sex with her, stop being affectionate, take away all the nice things you do that she takes for granted, you know what they are.
In time, she will notice it, and wonder what life will be like without you. Oh yes, when arguing, make your feelings crystal clear, no sugar coating.
I've done this, and while it took a while, I think she's finally getting the picture that she really needs me.
This is a gamble, because she could call your bluff and go the other way. But hey, if that happens, at least you were truthful. Good luck.

Answer 2

Ahhhh.... the eternal Female Dichotomy! Don't be totally honest, and get your junk nailed to the wall; be totally honest, and get your junk nailed to the wall.

I think this is a case of you having been emasculated either from childhood or by your wife. Seriously, if what you say is true and there was only a kiss once and nothing else; your wife has lost it and is sabotaging your marriage, life, and well being. She is holding you hostage because she is a controlling and manipulative personality. If you think about it you will recognize that this pattern has been going on even before the "kiss incident". If it weren't the kiss incident, it would have been something else; but luck for her, you provided the best tool to use against you.

My suggestion is that you see a - and this is important - credible i.e., expensive therapist that specializes on couples therapy. Also, start very subtly, but make your point that you have apologized, expressed your severe remorse, but will no longer be effected by guilt trips or manipulation about the incident and that she can either let it go or let everything go. Preferably tell her this stuff in the presence of the counselor because it will be a more civil affair, but don't expect a good counselor to take sides even though you know you are right. The whole purpose of going to counseling/therapy is that the problems a identified, addressed, and resolved; taking sides and making one party feel like they are being attacked will not help achieve that outcome.

You might also want to reflect on your behavior towards her. Do your actions promote her attitude towards you? Have you told her that you feel remorseful for what happened and that you feel slighted that even though you were honest she is badgering you and making you think that you just shouldn't be honest next time? Tell her that you want her to let go of the issue and move on to improve your relationship (usually has a big effect to tell a woman that you wish to improve your future together - it’s an instinctual thing).

In the end though, if you go through therapy and things don't improve over the longer term (do not expect immediate results), you might need to consider divorce. In the end the welfare of your children should be at the forefront of your considerations, and learning that you badger and guilt-trip your husband into an emasculated mess of a man or being in a household in which the parents constantly fight is not proper parenting.

Answer 3

While your wife had a right to be angry over that initial kiss, I do not think she EVER should have physically attacked you. And if she chose to continue on with the marriage and you were remorseful, this issue should really have been laid to rest.
I think you would be wise to suggest marriage counseling, because this has not gone away in her mind, and obviously you two have other issues that are not being resolved in a productive manner.
I do have to say that trying to get the three of you together to prove that nothing more happened, probably was not the greatest idea, because who would want to see this other woman?
Do what you can to save the marriage for the children's sake and your own, but in the end, you might just want to bide your time until they are grown. Sorry for what you are going through.

Answer 4

Whatever it sounds like you two should probably try seeking marriage counseling. I think that what you did was mighty brave and it was very noble of you to go to your wife about the "adulterous." Your wife has to understand that if it had been your fault and if you started the initial gestures you more than likely would not have told her. Your wife also has to understand that she needs to be mad with the "woman" and not you because you did nothing wrong whatsoever. You were being faithful to your wife, it was the other woman that was seeking you out and trying to lure you into bed. However, if yall didn't wind up in bed then your wife truly has no right to accuse you , much less throw it up in your face all the time. I think yall both need to seek counceling immediately if your marrige is going to be savored. Your wife needs to let go and let God! We are human and all make mistakes, sure your wife has slipped up a few times and you not know about it because she didn't want to hurt you, sorta speak. Please, seek counseling first and if that doesn't work then you will need to seek a divorce but try to work something out for the kids' sake.

Answer 5

sorry dude, Women are notorius for making something out of nothing, and then, never dropping it. You can only expect this to go on forever. If She would ever drop it, she would have by now. You should take her up on that leaving thing, next time she offers. Yes divorce sucks, But so does being an imaginary Monster. Its not like you initiated the kiss, anyway. Im sure Your wife has the whole scene in her head, anyway, tho. Too bad you couldnt enjoy what she has imagined you doing.

Answer 6

Dang. Well, this woman has trust and forgiveness issues, but you gave her a molehill to start piling them on. I wonder if she was raised in a family environment where fights and distrust were the norm...

In any event, you gotta continue to support the marriage (if you want it to be a marriage) She has to be able to accept your reassurance and she has to be able to forgive. And she may need to learn to do that and she has to learn to ask for reassurance--and HEAR it, too.
There's no doubt SHE has to go to counseling. And both of you, at some point.

Best thing you can do for the marriage is insist on it...marriage doesn't have to be that way. Tell her what you expect to get (and give) in a marriage. She probably can't hear it because she's been on this "kick" for awhile--and that has become "justifiable" in her mind. A professional can help her turn around if she wants to.

Or, there are consequences. Both of you need to express what you want, what reasonable consequences are. "My adulterous ways" is a very hurtful thing to say if it was a kiss, and nothing more, and that was 6 years ago. A rapist doesn't even do 2 years if convicted, fer cryin' out loud.

Answer 7

Wow...six years is a looooong time to hold onto something so meaningless. You really did go above & beyond to prove that you were sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. I wouldn't be happy if my husband or bf did something like that but if it was a one time thing, I might be able to get over it. Obviously your wife likes having this to hold over your head. There's this thing called "forgive & forget". Either she holds true to that or she's going to make you pay for a mistake for the rest of your life. No one deserves to live that way. She's not going to let it go because it makes her feel superior to you. She's got issues.

You mentioned your kids as the reason why you don't divorce her crazy butt. Guess what? Your kids would probably much rather have parents that have a nice healthy marriage instead of one where their mom hits their dad and acts like a total loon. You owned up to your mistakes, she needs to own up to hers. I would say go to a counselor or something but it's been six friggin' years. Your wife should be over this by now. Seriously! I'm a woman and I can tell you, I wouldn't hold onto something like this for that long unless I was seriously disturbed.

I would honestly just call her bluff and leave her. You're miserable. Even if you committed a felony, your prison sentence wouldn't be as mentally taxing as this situation is. In all seriousness, your wife has some serious issues. You don't hit your husband and throw tantrums. She's obviously pretty immature and using this one mistake as her trump card to walk all over you. It's totally working too. If you really want to work this out (why, I don't know), I suggest joint thearpy. If she balks at the idea, you need to get your stuff and get out. Lots of people with children divorce. You're not the first and you won't be the last. You already resent her (rightfully so) and if she truly loved you, she'd forgive and forget. Forgetting means not throwing it up in your face everyday. She doesn't care how you feel, she only cares about holding this over your head. She's not God, she can't judge & condemn you. If you want to remain in this living hell, go for it. I suggest you bring up thearpy or just leave the next time she gets pissy. She won't die, your kids will be fine and you'll finally have some sembalance of a normal life again. It's up to you. She'll only treat you as bad as you let her.

Answer 8

When she is hurling these accusations at you..the best thing to do is to say nothing back to her at all..you can not have an argument with someone that will not argue back..yet alone turn it into a 2 day event..If the two of you can not work out the differences in your life together..then I really do not see..this marriage lasting forever..By the way..where are your children..when all this arguing is going on between your wife and you..

Answer 9

Your wife is acting immature and deliberately creating a mess. She seems to be misusing your honesty , seems like she isnt really a nice person. Assuming that you have been really honest she is at fault and not even caring for you or the kids, some people are really evil.
You have to see how she deals with the kids need to tell her very clearly that she cannot continue with her evil blackmailing tactics , make sure that she doesent throw tantrums in front of kids.

Answer 10

I had the same thing happen to me only thing was that I never mention it. My wife did however pick up the other woman instink however i never admitted this to her that this was happening because I would never hear the end of it.
To answer your question, well there is no easy way out and thing is that she will never forget it or trust you ever again.
Unfortunatly this is how it is.
Remember one thing in marrage and that is that you don't always have to tell her everything you do. It will only hurt her. And there is no reason that you have to.
this doesn't mean that you don't love her.
Some things are best kept to yourself.
And with me to get rid of the other woman in my life it took years and beleive you me I was at time skating on thin ice.