My wife is divorcing me but I cannot move out of our house until March. We have decided to remain friends because we have 2 children and we want to make it as easy as possible for them. She has opened up about this guy she has met that she really likes, he is going through a divorce also. She told me that he tells her he loves her but she has not responded to him the same. Part of me wants to go kick the **** out of him for messing up our marriage - they met 2 weeks before my wife asked for a divorce, but I know there are other issues in our marriage that let to the decision. I also know that if he wouldn't have entered the picture that maybe we could go to counseling to try and resolve our differences. Last night my wife was looking depressed and I finally got it out of her that she thinks her boyfriend is getting back together with his wife. I listened to her concerns and I tried to tell her that she needs to trust him more and don't jump to conclusions.
2007-02-18 16:27:06 · 19 answers · asked by Confused 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The whole time I was telling her this she was crying, but not about our failed marriage, about her possible broken heart from her new friend. I told her that sometimes in life you have to take a chance. I love my wife dearly and I don't want to get divorced but I know there is no turning back now. But just tell me if I am crazy for listening to her talk about her life after me.
2007-02-18 16:27:23 · update #1
Wow...you must really love her...I don't think you are crazy..but it sounds like you might still have hopes for something that she probably doesn't think is worth saving.........especially if she talks to you about the other guy....
It's nice of you to listen though, it shows you care about her...
Hopefully she notices...I wish you much luck...i really do.......
2007-02-18 16:34:53 · answer #1 · answered by Dee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not nor have been in this position, but from what you've written - you would have taken the opportunity of councilling if it were an option and divorce isn't something your looking for.
Lets just say on the flip side - your wife hadn't asked for a divorce, but had cheated, then returned once it had failed. Would you be willing to give it another go - possibly look into the counciling - why these actions had taken place etc.
Personally i think - if you want to keep your wife, then this may be a suggestion, maybe put the divorce on hold for now - get some help. find the root of the problem as to why she is looking elsewhere and move on from there.
your wife's friend i presume was going through a divorce for other reasons than meeting your wife, he would have been at an insecure part in his life - looking for companionship, and with that, spending time with your wife would have channelled his interests in her direction for a short while. (again only presuming) - but if your relationship with your partner had become a little mundane (as they all do after time) - the excitement and change may have spurred a lapse in what she really wanted in life.
The grass is always greener on the other side - fact, the problem is curiosity always, nearly always kills the cat but prevention is the cure to everything.
2007-02-19 00:45:05 · answer #2 · answered by pie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not to give false hope but it really isn't too late for you and your wife. Maybe right now you two could get some counseling. Trust me I know. The divorce papers were filed and my husband and I stopped the divorce and are now happier than ever. The key is to both not fall out of love at the same time.
2007-02-19 00:53:55 · answer #3 · answered by Tgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From the sounds of things going around, YOU are the better person for your wife. That other bastard is just looking for temporary relationship while he is mending up his own marriage problems. That guy is a home wrecker. He destroyed your marriage and he spit it out after he got tired of it. Your wife made a mistake too. You deserve a better woman than her man. But if you really love her, you can still show her how much you care. This might rekindle the old flames back. After all, she is the mom of your kids. In my opinion man, I really want to beat that guy up. You are too kind man. Sometimes good guys finish dead last. Be a bad guy once in a while.
2007-02-19 00:37:37 · answer #4 · answered by Trixter 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So you are the boundary-less nice guy. You take care of everyone's needs but your own. Discussing another man with your wife or ex-wife is like hitting yourself with a bat....only you are so in the habit of doing it, that you're a bit numb to the whole thing...maybe you are even in the habit of it. Make yourself a 3X5 card...write down these three things:
1. God has a plan for me.
2. I am the dad.
3. I am important, I will not participate w/people who treat me like a doormat.
My experience has been, that this type of care taking has a silver liining. Usually it means you dont have to take responsibility for anything cause all you are ever doing is "helping" and eventually the people you are helping get annoyed and turn on you (the divorce). But you have to figure out what your payoff is. For some reason it is easier to be involved in other people's lives than your own. Your kids deserve better and so do you.
Right now, stand up. Look down and the floor and draw and imaginary circle around your feet. That is your responsibility. Start taking better care of yourself. You may love this woman but you sure as hell dont deserve to be with someone so self-centered that she doesnt consider how hurtful it is to discuss this with you (or maybe she knows and she get the digs in the cowards way). Ouch sorry if that hurts.
I love the analogy of boundaries as a house with a white picket fence. You have to decide where to put the fence and you can put lots and lots of gates in. But you need to decide if you want to be the kind of dad that you know you can be. I know, my fences didn't connect....lol....my girlfriends pointed out that I would make all sorts of idle threats and beg for attention, boundaries but everyone knew that I was soft and I would always give in....so my family ignored my needs entirely. I had to start with the small circle and start gradually including those people, places and things that are helpful and supportive for me. That's scarey stuff cause then I am responsible. But its the only way to grow up and to stop getting stomped. I can recommend two daily reading books "Days of Healing, Days of Joy" and "Courage to Change" ...they are for people married to alcoholics...but I found that if I just substituted the word selfish or pushy for the word alcoholic it all pertained to me....cause I was making my whole world about what the other person needed..... All the best to you..... find some other adult friends and some support, maybe a local church, a bowling league....but stop relying on your wife...she'll be expecting you to pick up the pieces for her forever.....
2007-02-19 01:18:21 · answer #5 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are a very strong person and your wife should realize that. You have a big heart and she is disrespecting you and your kids. Make sure that you get at least joint custody of your children. She will probably go down a path of having many relationships and your children will need an anchor. Maybe you can try to work on your marriage? Have you really fought for her?
2007-02-19 00:48:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like an exceptional person. I can't imagine what could be so bad in your marriage that she would want to divorce you. Is she not in love with you? Is she the type of person who could be swept off her feet so badly in so short a time? Are you sure something hasn't been going on between them for some time?
2007-02-19 00:38:02 · answer #7 · answered by vinny_the_hack 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you are torturing yourself. Tell her you still love her and you want to work it out, if she says no then move on buddy. Don't be her shoulder to cry on you deserve better than that. You sound like a nice guy i am sure there is another person out there for you. Be confident and love yourself. Keep a good relationship with your wife for the sake of the children but don't be a door mat. Hope this helps good luck!
2007-02-19 00:36:52 · answer #8 · answered by Kellie M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How can you help her deal with the new man, when you guys haven't even sorted out your **** yet? In the first place you shouldn't HAVE to help her deal with anything if you are out of the picture, what about your wounded heart? Doesn't she care? She obviously cares about one thing and that is not you, nor him or anyone else, she cares for only herself (I'm not involving the kids). Sounds like she did you a favor meeting this new guy, and it also sounds like she is getting a taste of her own medicine! Sad that she will probably never see it in this way, for I fear she may not have a moral bone in her body to do this to you and 2 kids. Please take care of the children if nothing else, shelter them from the craziness going on, it will surely stay with them for the rest of their lives, unless they are too small to remember.
Good Luck!
2007-02-19 00:41:29 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound pretty mature to me. I would have a hard time even being around my wife in such a situation, and I probably wouldn't be all that keen on consoling her. I'm hoping that ultimately she will not want to go through with the divorce.
2007-02-19 00:34:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Totally not crazy. I am trying to salvage some sort of a relationship w/ my ex for the sake of our three kids. I don't know that I'd be able to listen to his new relationship stories, but once you love someone and have children w/ them you can't just turn your back on 'em. I know some people disagree, but you've got to do what's best for your situation and well being.
2007-02-19 00:34:23 · answer #11 · answered by MaMaMiLaJo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋