He's coming back in a few weeks from iraq, how do i tell him?

Question

Okey people, I am in desperate need of help, from anyone, gals or guys! Anybody just please tell me what to do. I will tell you the story.My husband of 2 years, is in the army, and is currently deployed tp Iraq for the 4th time.I used to live in Europe during his previous deployments so we've never really lived together untill last year when i moved to the states to be with him, shortly after we moved into our house. He deployed again and i was left alone.
With having to live with my parents and family back home in Europe before, I never really realized how much a deployment changes a person untill you have to "make it on your own" as i am doing now. My problem is,I'm just not sure of how i am gonna tell my husband that this deployment is more different from the previous ones,I have grown,and is just a totally different person.
After every deployment, he wants to get back into his daily life asap, and sex is always rushed. How do i tell him things arent the same & i wanna wait w/ sex?

UHm, Me + cheating = Yeaaaaah,, NOT SO MUCH! Thanks for making me laugh though ; )

Thank you guys, you're right, I love him to death and if he loves me as much, this won't be an issue. But most importantly, We have to keep an open relationship and the ball is in my court now,
Thank you everyone!

I'm gonna take everyone's advice. Trust me, the only thing that matters to me is his happiness and his welbeing. But I feel like i have to let him know that i haven changed, so to give him a heads up, and what i am worried about and the reasonw hy i'm here, is just becasue i don't know if this will hurt him when i tell him this? And i know i have to put my feelings aside, but should i really have sex with him if i don't feel comfortable on the first day? Just answer that question. All that matter, like i said, is him, and not hurting him, even if it means me outting my feelings on hold. Just tell me what to do.

Ps, Thank you (female soldier) I wish you and your fiance all the happiness, and reading your comment made me feel somewhat at ease! God bless you!

DAMN, PEOPLE, now i am upset. Why does everyone here think I don't love my husband? I was just asking people for advice which came to be a mistake. Esp since some of you folks thinks i'm nothing but a cheating *****. For an update, I did talk to my husband about this (took some of these few intelligent people's advice) and explained the situation to him. He was nothing but understanding and completely cool about everything. Marriage is not a one way street, If you're in this yahoo support group or whatever it is to piss people off, Don't waste your time!

Thanks to some of your guys though, it means so much to know there's still people out there who supports my husband and his buddies, : )

Answer 1

I am a female soldier currently deployed to Iraq. I have been here a year and I am getting ready to go home. We had our demob briefings yesterday and the chaplain said two of the main issues that couples argue over after the soldier returns is money and sex. What you are going through is very common. I can tell you what your husband is going through. As soldiers we are put into situations that are very inhumane at times. The environment is very hostile. In order to cope many soldiers become insensitive and almost animalistic in their natures. It is a survival tool. Your husband has spent his deployment missing you very much and everything about you and your relationship including the sex. There have been many days and nights that all I think about is my fiance and how I need to be in his arms again. Those thoughts have taken me away, in my mind, from this place for brief periods. Of course the first thing I am going to want to do is hold him and be held and etc..

There is a high divorce rate among deployed soldiers. Even the strongest marriages have difficulty. Communication is not only required but imperative if you want to keep your marriage. Talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. He needs to understand how you have coped with his deployment. Being a woman I can understand that he will seem as a stranger to you and that you will want to take it slow. He will go through the same briefing I did. The military is becoming more aware of the need to take care of it's soldiers upon demob. There is a chaplain you can talk to about this and maybe you and your husband can seek some counseling upon his return to help you both ease back into married life. If you value your marriage I highly suggest it. There is nothing wrong with you or him; it is the situation that is abnormal. This 'conflict' in Iraq (and I use the term loosely) has taken many lives, body parts, and marriages. If the two of you can survive this then your marriage will be that much stronger in the long run. I wish you God Speed and remember you are not alone........A fellow soldier

Answer 2

This is a little selfish. You want to hold off on being his wife and he's expecting his wife to have missed him. if you think things are different for you, imagine what its like to have seen what he's seen. the last thing he needs is sexual withdrawal.

I suggest counseling ASAP so you can work out your stuff. He isn't the problem as any husband would expect you to desire sex when he returns.

truthfully, you may be blaming him for the fact you had to go it alone and now don't seem to feel married.

it isn't your fault but this is too much for a soilder to deal with when he has so much more stress than someone in a peaceful environment. I don't know if you have kids but if you do, you really need to get over it with help BEFORE he comes home.

Believe it or not the focus isn't you, its him. he deserves a wife who loves him enough to put herself aside for a minute and help him adjust. Get help or you'll scar him and your marriage will crash. God Bless.

I'm assuming you don't have kids. keep it that way until you know if you are able to honor your committment to him.

Answer 3

This is exactly what happened with me and my fiancee during the Vietnam war. We both had changed. We tried to make a go of it but it didn't work out. I moved to L.A., she stayed in the Bay Area. We had a long distance thing for a while but that died too. Things do change, and if they have, they have. Just tell him, you're going to have to sooner or later, might as well be sooner. I'm not trying to be callous or make light of anything, I just know the worst thing is to try to make something work when the feeling is gone. It may even come back, but only on its own.

Answer 4

I know that it has been hard for him but in order for a relationship to work both sides have to be happy. With him being gone as much as he has been, you are going to be starting your relationship all over again. I suggest just being completely honest with him. If it's hard for you to say all this to him you could always write a letter. Just make sure you tell him you still love and care for him and don't want anybody else.

Answer 5

Sounds like you are growing apart from your husband not only sexually but emotionally as well. If you truly love someone you will wait for them and want to be with them on all levels (emotionally, sexually, etc). Sometimes people change and it might be a good idea to sit down and discuss this with your husband. It's not fair to you or him to keep your feelings bottled up inside. Everyone has to do whats right for themselves and mabey to keep things from getting ugly in the future you take measures to keep them right in the moment. Keep all issues on the table, and never let fear of your spouse getting mad at you keep you from letting your relationship grow, talk/communicate/argue. Keep it open and I promise life will be good!

Answer 6

Be honest. Sit him down, tell him you love him, and calmly explain this all as you have here. Explain your hardships to him and tell him that everytime he's gone and comes back its like having to get to know him all over again. If you want to take things slow he should respect that, although I know its hard for guys who have been away for so long without "nookie" to look forward to it and get none. But this will be a good test of how strong your relationship really is.

Best of Luck!

Answer 7

I don't think it will matter what you tell him now; he's going to think you've been cheating if you come right out and say this. At least wait for him to get home and settled for a while. How do you know he hasn't changed too? Wait and see before you drop any bombs.

Answer 8

This is quite not difficult,
Just sit down and talk with him, without getting angry or crying.

Just tell him "Hunny, I know it is very hard for both of us, not being together because of this whole issue. You have to understand that I change, I am isolated and alone.............."

and you explain the rest, I am sure he will understand.

Answer 9

Truthfully- tell him just the way you said it in your question-- explain to him how you feel--HONESTLY and sincerely--- he deserves to know the truth and why you are feeling this way; and your future relationship with him depends on your honesty. Good luck to you and your husband; I hope everything works out for the two of you, and tell him thank you for serving our country for all of us in the states.

Answer 10

He's been through a lot. When he comes home, he will need you ,all of you. If you have changed, only you can explain that in such a way that he understands. War is a terrible thing.~~Jill