How did it feel like to lose? Lose a gf or lose a job or lose on American Idol or lose the super bowl?

Question

Just lose period. Lose something that you wanted. In short, tell me about losing?

Answer 1

At first it hurts. It makes you sad.

I remember having this *big* honking piggy back once...the bank itself was a collectable, a fairly heavy, solid thermoplastic molded Raggedy Andy bank, American made, thick and solid as a brick even with only a penny in it. Me and my older sister shared it....we were told by our parents at the time that if we saved our allowance, for every dollar we saved, our dad--the one who was working at the time--would add one of his own, and whatever was there for Christmas, my older sister and I were to split fifty-fifty and spend on gifts.

It was a great idea. It was something a *normal* pair of parents would routinely do with their kids to teach them the value of a dollar saved. But my folks weren't normal: mom drank too much, and dad was a violent freak. Needless to say, not even six months into this, the father went back on his word, broke the bank (no, he didn't break into it--he literally destroyed the bank to open it) and took the nearly $70 that we had all saved so far. He said it was to buy groceries, but a real big chunk of it went to beer, didn't it now...? And the minute me and my sister said anything, dad broke a *yardstick* over our backs.

I was maybe eight, nine years old at the time. That was the beginning.

I've lost the older 3/4 of my comic book collections, favorite books in general I liked to read, most of my nice clothes (that didn't end until I got out of the house and started buying my own), my sisters would steal my school supplies and leave me writing with 1 and 2 inch stubs of pencils....constantly, non-stop, everything I could *imagine* having, that was worth having, someone, somewhere, would take it from me.

And it got worse as an adult. I busted my tail for 5+ years, juggling school, work and therapy to be the first one in my family to earn a bachelor's degree in college....only to have advisors *LIE* to me about how useful the degree was in the job market until I was nearly out of money and couldn't change majors. And, also, only to have the student loan people *loophole* me out of my grace period so I was in default before I could even graduate. So I will likely never ever *see* the actual Bachelor's Degree I earned.

I tried to get a drop-in center off the ground, a humble little something for people with mental health issues....I worked for a year and a half with a committe to get it started, then worked for nearly three years struggling to co-manage the thing and *not* let the control freaks totally take it over and ruin it. But in the end my medication crapped out, stopped working, and the control freaks *won* and then *KILLED MY DREAMS*.

Those are the two big things in my adult years. There is also the small stuff, like not being allowed by the local "mental health" system to get on and *stay* on medication lately, unless I subscribe to their cultish cognitive behavioral "therapies". There's the fact that I tried losing weight and getting healthier....and it worked until I lost access *to* my medication. And now the pounds have come back as the mood has spiraled downward....

Point is, nearly everything I've ever had that was worth having, *I've not only lost but had it *taken* from me* by other people.

It hurts the first few times. But as the years turn into decades and as the failures pile up deeper and deeper on my spine like so much snow.....after a while, the pain turns into fear, the fear turns into rage, and the rage turns into a smoldering *hatred*.

And right now....I am really having to work just to keep that hatred under some semblance of control and to keep myself halfway civil around people, some of whom bear a strong resemblance, if their words online are any indication, to the kinds of people who have taken from me before, and who have ruined things for me before.

And yes.....choking down that hatred *hurts*. Putting me back to square one, only more so.

I wish I knew what to tell you in terms of how to solve the problem. But the truth is, I've been at it at least 30 of the 40 years I've been alive--yes, since I was *ten*, since my folks divorced--and it just doesn't get easy. At all. I don't get any more fair breaks. Like the breaks I got were all that "fair" to begin with. But yeah....it really looks like sometimes, like I am destined to be "the dog that gets beat", that reality has had it in for me since birth.

And I know....that is being a *loser*, not just suffering loss. So I will stop now.

Thanks for your time and patience. Sorry to go on so.

Answer 2

You have what I used to have - insecurity, correct ?

I felt the sense of insecurity is actually a good thing for a person. He will always on his toes and will eventually become a winner.