Is she a friend or and I a doormat? Please read the following any suggestions would be helpful.?

Question

My best friend is a stay at home mom of 2.
Both of our husbands work out of state flying out on Monday and returing on Friday.
My friend can be a user at times. Since I do not work or have kids at this time she feels that she can "use" me when needed.
I feel as if I am always picking up/droping off her 4 yr old at school or coming to her house so she doesnt have to get her 8 month old out. I dont mind helping.. but its to the point where she expects and demands. Then I hear her complain to her husband, ect how hard it is to be at home with no help. That is hard to hear since I feel I am always helping.
She complains about not having money until her husbands payday.. so I gave her $100 so she would have cash "just in case" she paid her housekeeper with what I gave her.
Her husband isnt very nice to me and I am feeling fed up. I have talked to her about this before and she will cry, then to say" I will never ask you for anything again" Its a cycle. What do I do?!?

Answer 1

If you need the constant drama and work with no reward, keep doing as you have been doing. But, from this vantage point, you are being used--big time. Friendship needs to be to two-way, mutually supportive and comfortable. Otherwise, why bother? In my book, she really isn't a friend because friends don't do what she does

Answer 2

i think u should have sum limits on what you do 4 her like pickin up and droppin off her kids thats a no no if she is a stay at home mom thats her job and that is her kid not yours. If she has a hard time pickin up and droppin off her kid maybe she should put them on the school bus or carpoolin with another parent mayb suggest that 2 her . Or if u have a hard time sayin no 2 her make your schedule a little busier like take a yoga class or sumthin like that or a part time job or go shoppin more and treat yourself to a massage or manicure so u will have to tell her no because you have something to do and it wont be a lie.
and givin her $100 is another no no i could see if it is like $10 or $20 so she can use it for something she relly needs.
if u hear her complain 2 her husband about not havin help when u do help her politely tell how u feel about her sayin that if its not true.
if u talk 2 her about this and she cries explain 2 her that there r limits 2 what u will do 4 her like maybe babysittin for her every now and then is ok and pickin up her kid from school only if its an emergency or if u havnt done it in a long time then maybe u should do it and if she keeps cryin then maybe u should get a new circle of friends!!!!

i think she does use u as a doormat if she only ask u 2 pick up her kids and do stuff for her she should be doin
but if she invites you to fun stuff with her without the kids then maybe not

Answer 3

tell her that u need a break from watching nd taking her kids everywhere,nd that u shouldnt be expected to do anything at anytime!U have a life 2!nd if ur telling ur husband thats its hard with no help then u should try it sometime!
its gonna be really hard if ur good friends but something has to be done be4 u almost explode in her face nd u lose a friendship!

-from the great mind of an 11 year old

Answer 4

i would suggest calling her with a couple of problems ,like can yo be at my house for the cable guy crap .when she says she can't let her know that's fine but you expect the same answer next time you can't.also get out of the house and get some new friends.maybe take a class at your local collage that gives you a reason to be busy.or a part time job .either way you will meet some new people.i have a friend who also uses guilt as a weapon i just use it right back.good luck

Answer 5

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Answer 6

I have had that happen to me and it never changes.No matter what she says she is not gonna do ..she is gonna bug you and bug you.In my opinion what you could do is just quit answering your phone when you think its her asking for something..start making up other things to do.Cancel the friendship.Are you getting anything out of this relationship?Is she worth the time and friendship? I know that sounds harsh but you give and give till you just give out and the friendship will deteriorate.Some people just take and take.good luck -nick

Answer 7

Break the cycle.

I had a *friend/roommate* abuse my good nature for a number of years. She was very good at ferreting out my soft spots and buttons and manipulated them for all they were worth. The one that got me every time was the..." A good friend like you would do this, do that, give me money..." Impling that I wouldn't be a "good friend" if I didn't help her out. I know what's it's like to be used by someone who calls themself friend.

Other folks have given you some great advice about being less availible to her. Remember, she is a responsible, grown adult who has choosen to have children. She can take care of them herself. She does a fine job taking care of them the days that you can't take them.

The only thing I would suggest is not to mention that you will help her in an emegency. That is your little secret. You know you will help her out in an emergency but if you say this to her, I guarantee that every time you say you can't help, the situation will suddenly become an emegency.

And please remember, a real emergency is when you have to call 911. If her house has caught fire or she has rushed the baby to the hospital, that's an emegency. If she has only mismanged her time and is trying to get to the mall before it closes or she doesn't want to wake up the baby...not an emergecy.

I would reccomend that you have some prepared answers for her for a variety of situtations as it can be hard to think when you are being verbally barraged by all the guilt tactics she may use.

If she tells you she can't handle the kids anymore, tell her you will take her down to social services where she turn them over to the state until she can get a grip on herself. You'd be glad to help her with the paperwork.

If she claims its an emegency, tell her to hang up and call 911. Tell her the police, ambulance, fire department or social services will be there faster than you can get there because you are in the middle of something or your car won't start.

If she tries to drop a bombshell on you. Like, calls you on your cellphone to tell you to pick up her child at school because she can't possibly get there on time, fib a little and tell her that you have taken a daytrip and are not at home or even in the city.

Remind her that schools and daycares will usually report the child as abandoned to the police if the parent doesn't pick them up in a timely manner, so she shouldn't worry about the school lockng her child out. Hmmmm....maybe you should check on the school policies before you tell her that one.

You know what tactics she's likely to use, so have some repsonse for them.

And it's perfectly okay to tell her it's your day off. Your *you* day. She is not entitled to know how you use your time or what you do when you're not with her. You're allowed to have a private life.

As for the money...think about this...just because you may have some extra money in your bank account doesn't mean that it's really extra. Can you afford to be giving her money?

That was my big bugg-a-boo with the ex-roomie. She could never seem to pay the bills on time and I was her personal banker. Whenever I made the mistake of crowing about a bonus or some extra $$ I earned, out came a sob story and *poof* I popped it right into her pockets. If none of the usual storys worked, she hit me with...I don't have rent money and I know how you feel about the rent being paid on time...

So, if your home is not paid off, if your RRSP's are not full, if your car isn't paid off, if you carry any sort of balance on your credit card...then may be you should rethink giving her money.

The biggest thing about the money thing has nothing to do with the dollars.....if you can't give her the money freely, with no conditions on how it is spent or expectations of her paying you back,ever, then you maybe can't afford to give her money.

Something else to think about. You are a kind and generous person and a good friend. Would you ever, in a million years, abuse anyone's good nature the way she has abused yours and expect them to stick around?

This would be a great time to look up old school friends and reconnect with other people. Maybe join a lunchtime Toastmasters group or join a networking group for the field of work you were in or want to be in. Or, for the heck of it, take a night class on something you're always wanted to do but never had time for.

Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you. As Flylady says, it's like when the oxygen mask drops in the airplane. You can't help out anyone else until you put on your own oxygen mask. Your friend has already got her own oxygen mask and now she's grabbing at yours as well.

"Generosity without limits is debillitating"

Answer 8

you give her money to pay her housekeeper? wow, you are a doormat. start saying no. let her use someone else. you dont need this on top of your life. live yours and enjoy yourself with out the hassle of her to mess it up.

Answer 9

im kinda like that!!! alot of people use me!! but you just have to talk to her and shes just gonna have to suck up them tears cause you have a life too!! and if that doesn't work, when she ask you to do something tell her you already have plans!!

Answer 10

Move on....really....just say look....I just can't be your personal assistant any longer....and then just make yourself scarce....all healthy relationships give and take...You're not into self abuse are you?