Has anyone out there "outgrown" their spouse?

Question

A counsler tells me that I've done a lot of self-development over the yrs. and I'm outgrowing my relationship. I am aware that both spouse and I have been on seperate paths for yrs. now and unfortunately do not have ANY of the same interests at all. I've been the one to compromise doing stuff w/them according to their interests but they never compromise to do things w. me w/my interests (only when things get stressful then they get worried but then go back to their old ways quickly)
has anyone ever tried to make it work even tho u've been outgrowing them in several different area's within urself, in life and in the relationship? Did it work? or did u end up divorced?
I'm scared.....scared of outgrowing them even more but then if I didn't grow I'd con.t to be stagnant!

Answer 1

I don't think you outgrow your spouse. I feel when you are married you grow together. Whether it is different interests,different music,friends,etc. If everyone that was married were exactly alike and interested in the same things I think their relationship would be boring. This world would be boring. If you EACH support each other in ones own interests than you will naturally grow together but still have your own thoughts,ideas,hobbies,etc. It took me a while to figure this out but our marraige could not be better.

Answer 2

Happens all the time, hon. Particularly when one goes on in school, and the other doesn't, or one becomes more professionally aggressive, makes more money, and now the paths don't seem the same, or it two met in the drug culture, and one go clean, and the other did not...

Marriage in today's world isn't anything what it was 200 years ago in rural America.... there are so many more contacts, and things to do, places to go and people to meet and things to learn, hobbies to have, travel is now easy, all over the world.... a far different environment that before. This is not to say one then become a bed jumper, but it is rather a flag to choose a mate wisely -- one with similar backgrounds, politics, religion, professional goals, desires or no desires for children, like personalities, and education. It is far easier to grow together if the two of you were quite similar to begin with... and you are finding that out....

Answer 3

In retrospect, I did only what I had to. I had no intention of causing any pain to either spouse or children, but your story sounds like mine over 40 years ago. And everything you say, I experienced, too.
Yes, it's possible to outgrow one's spouse. For me it was more of a spiritual quest that had me doing all the growing while left behind was a husband who was willing to take things just as they were.
He and I separated twice. The first time I was unsure and went back to try again. The second time I was sure and we had a very amicable divorce. I still love and respect the father of my children and would never badmouth him ever; he was a wonderful provider and father. He probably didn't even know what hit him when I asked for the separation the first time. He and I never had many conversations unless I instigated them and then it was I who spoke while he listened. Then I would "watch" to see if what I'd said had actually registered with him. And so it went for so many years as the children grew into their teens and beyond. Once I was convinced that we had no future together because of our differing viewpoints and interests, we decided to call it quits. I've since lived alone with m'cat and very happily with a few decent male/female relationships along the way, but for the most part living singly and loving it. He, he remarried but also divorced wife #2 with whom he remains friends. He and I talk maybe once a year and only about the children.
Spiritual growth has a way of moving us out beyond our boundaries, doesn't it?
Today my only wish and prayer is one asking forgiveness for any hurts I've given along the way. I'm only human and not yet perfect. I'm workin' on it though.
http://www.winnsborosc2.20m.com/

Answer 4

I commend you for trying to save your marriage even know you are on diffrent levels. This shows complete committment. I on the otherhand was not as patient and I did leave an ex boyfriend after 5 years together because of this reason alone. We had diffrent interest for the beginning but a few things in common that held us together for 5 years.

I am getting married in a few months to someone I have been with for three years. I know now that if I want this to work I have to grow with them and accept some of their interest that are his. A marriage is give and take and compromise..I know telling this to you sounds silly since you already know this. I advise you to hang in there and try to find something that you once enjoyed together or begin a new adventure together. Do not let this be the thing that ends your marriage.

Answer 5

This is time to have compassion for your spouse. I had this same problem in my 17year marriage. My ex-wife condemned my spiritual pursuits for over 9 years in the beginning of our marriage. I did not get upset or significant with her I just lived as an example.

After the she realized there were something concrete to what I was experiencing she began to ask me how could she get on the same path. I was able to be of good service to her by guiding her through a must faster growth because she had the benefits of learning from my past mistakes.

We since divorced because she realized she feared living on her own and felt she needed to face her demons. We still remained best of friends to this very day. After 8 years of being apart we are having conversations that are non opinion based. Over conversation are now about listening and understanding the other instead of making the other wrong. It is sweet to see someone grow to full realization about what it means to grant another person their beingness to be their real self. When she started her spiritual growth she was always frustrated with me because with every leap she made I made 3. I had to remind her I have a very large head start on her.

I am sorry to say many people never get to experience what we have. After 25 years of knowing each other we have become noble friends in every sense of the word.

Answer 6

Growing up is hard. . .

If you are beginning to "outgrow" then maybe you and he/she ought to remember what brought you together in the beginning.

Certainly every marriage is different, however each has one thing in common. . . Each couple had came to agree that the latter was right for them enough to say "I do" and unite lives, pasts, and futures.

"It's easy to quit, but it takes faith to go through."

You and your spouse, as in every relationship are going to have periods of closeness and distance. . . But didn't the same hold true in your relationship with your parents and even some friends? Talk to your spouse, be creative and find ways to show him/her that you are still in love with them and have faith that God will and can restore your marriage. Love has more value without conditions, than the "love" under restrictions.

I can only empathize with what you're going through & sympathize how you must feel. . . But may I leave you with a word of encouragement or 3 which helped me when I felt the same way:
1)a sanctified wife sanctifies her unsaved husband likewise for the sanctified husband to his wife.
2)in Christ all things are possible to him who believe.
3)according to your faith, be it done unto you.

Answer 7

Me and my ex-husband used to have the reputation of being the happiest couple in the world and for a while there...I think we both believed it, too. Somewhere along the line, we changed and outgrew each other. Well, I was changing and he was staying the same. He got to the point of complaining about the books I read, the music I like, the TV shows or movies I watched, the friends that I have, the cats we had, the naturalistic approach I had to health including taking vitamins, our trying to have kids...and he was not as into sex as I am...he's a little inexperienced in that dept. and afraid to be taught anything. He just didn't have any passion...very complacent and non-assertive. He just grew kind-of grouchy and didn't seem to really like me for me anymore...or maybe during marriage he got to know me more and decided he wasn't content with me and I also grew discontent with him, too. He wasn't depressed or anything, pretty much a happy guy with life in general...so no underlying problems. But he's the one that wouldn't budge on his views and for a while made me feel as if our marital problems were all my fault and like he was perfect or something. Later we discussed it and both admitted our faults.

Answer 8

Yes I had outgrown my ex and found I should have never started a relationship to begin with. He was like you describe yours in ways. He was always immature and didn't enjoy the same types of things I did. I liked sex, he did not. That right there was our biggest downfall and I also later found out he was not straight, which is fine for him but it is not fine for me. I tried to make it work but what it came down to was this, my ex did not care. He was self centred and only wanted to do things that were for him, not for me. He was a great manipulator. After years we finally split up and I am happier without him. I tried to make it work, but both people have to make it work, not one. This is my own story, I hope it helps you but I have no advice on your relationship.

Answer 9

I know I would never want to go back to the way it was with my ex husband. There simply is no way I want to live the totally empty life of status and "one up manship" that is all important in his life. I don't want to go back to sweeping all of the problems under the rug just to make everything LOOK perfect, because the more you sweep under the rug the bigger the lump is to trip over, and basically that is what ended the marriage.

Answer 10

Im hanging in there, trying to make it work somehow!

Good Luck!