What to do about my homophobic christian grandfather?

Question

I have a good relationship with my grandfather. He is funny and he makes a lot jokes and teases me a lot. What my grandfather doesn't know is the fact that I'm gay. I don't plan on ever telling him this since all my life, I've lead him to believe I'm christian the way he's been all his life. If I did tell him, it would probably be useless trying to get him to accept me because he's a pastor for god sake at his church. Besides, I don't want to end up having a bad relationship with him and God forbid, he passes away in bad blood with me. Anyway, my problem is he's constantly making homophobic remarks everytime I go places or hang out with him and it really bug me. For instance, he'll tell me, "why don't you go get a girlfriend? People are gonna think you're one of the gays. You don't want people think'n you're one of the gays do you", "don't hold your hands that way. that's what the gays do", "why don't you have a girlfriend, SON?" etc.

The constant get-a-girl and homophobic jokes and teasing and harassment is starting to get to me. I don't want him to think I am gay and start defending it because of what I said earlier and as a gay guy, I'm not going to cave in and get a girl for him. Do I just have to put up with his treatment of me because he's older and my grandfather?

Hmmmm! Good answers! Thank u call for your time, caring, and support. :) I think I know what to do now. I can't pick a best answer though. I liked them all. You all pick one.

Answer 1

If you want a continued realtionship I think you'll just have to put up with it. Sorry.

Answer 2

Your grandfathers behavior is not unusual. Just because he makes those remarks may not mean that he would not accept your homosexuality. Maybe the next time he makes one of these comments you can respond with a question like "maybe I am gay" or something like that. Then you can watch his reaction. For me, if I thought it would destroy my relationship, I just would not tell him.
Hate to say this, but most families are not happy to hear there is a homosexual in the family. It makes most (even in my own family, my niece is gay) people very uncomfortable and nobody talks about it.
Also, contrary to what others will say, your grandfather deserves the utmost respect which is what you are giving him. It seems that your relationship with him is quite valuable to you, so preserve it if you can. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Oh do I have a similar situation to you or what? Okay. Here's what I've been doing. See, I don't put up with negative remarks about ANY group of people. So me telling my relatives to cut the crap about gay people doesn't come across as weird.

But your gramps is a bit older than the relatives I'm talking about so telling him that you understand that he doesn't like "the gays" but that you're uncomfortable when he talks about it would probably work. He'll just think that you don't like thinking about "the gays" because you don't like them, either.

As for the why you don't have a girlfriend part, well I dunno how old you are. But talking about all the other things you want to do in your life before you settle down, or talking about how you haven't found the right girl yet, will probably placate him for a bit.

It sucks to have to lie to relatives, but I agree that it's not always necessary to tell older relatives, especially if you know they're set in their ways about "the gays." Telling him would hurt him. Of course, if you ever find a guy that you want to settle down with and your grandfather is still alive, you might want to revisit the decision to tell him or not tell him.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I realize that a lot of Christians in today's world say that homosexuality is wrong, however, I have to say that I know Christians in my family...also being one myself, that do no not believe that being gay is wrong or a sin and that they are doomed to Hell. Some people rarely think about a Christian gay person...which describe my one brother. Another, brother is a Pastor, and still more of my siblings very strict Christians. However, this does not limit their love for my brother that is gay...they do believe it is wrong, and may even believe he may go to Hell, but what they do is continue to pray for him and love him...like true Christians would do. I just wanted to state that Gay & Christian are not opposites. I feel sad when someone who is gay refrains from stating their love for God, because of society and other religious beliefs make them feel hypacritical if they express it. I don't know exactly how to approach your Grandpa because the Christians in my family wouldn't just stop loving and caring for someone because of this...even if they didn't believe in it. Maybe you could write him a letter, expressing your great love and respect for him, but that you do not like being negative about any types of people...that they all deserving of love and respect. About the girlfriend, just tell him you have more important things on your mind...which isn't a lie. Best of wishes...

Answer 5

People his age are so narrow-minded it's NOT POSSIBLE in any sense of the word to comvince him of ANYTHING besides what he wants to believe. I'm sorry but you will probably just have to deal with it.

Also, something to think about: Your grandfather is probably trying to be as pc as he can by saying, "the gays." In his day, they were f@gs and queers, whether you liked them or not, that was just what people called them. Take that into account next time he talks. He is just trying to protect your best interests because he thinks you're NOT gay. If he says something particularly derogatory, try telling him that you have one friend that you have known since you were a kid that turned out to be gay and that it hurts your feelings when he says something bad about him.

Answer 6

You have 4 choices. You can either 1) deal with this torment for the rest of your life which no one, not even your grandfather, has the right to commit, 2) tell him you're gay and explain to him that he's wrong about everything, that you're born gay, that you're just as "normal" as he is, or 3) stand up for gays and/or yourself everytime he is rude to them/you and risk him having suspicions you're gay, or 4) lie your *ss off in a manner in which he stops insulting gays but isn't suspicious of you. Good luck with it!

Answer 7

Ouch. Try easing him into it, maybe start by saying something like "well, y'know, I have a few gay friends and hearing you say things like that hurts my feelings, because they're good people." Or, maybe just out and say it. His feelings might change because someone he loves is gay.

This is a hard situation. I have a similar situation with my cousin and her husband, who are both really, REALLY Christian. They don't make 'phobic comments, but they keep bugging me about why I don't have a boyfriend. I'm scared that, if I tell them, they'll hate me and won't let me see their daughter.

Answer 8

Unless you have the strength that my partner had, I'm afraid you will have to put up with it. You could tell him that you are waiting for the right ***** woman, but that might be worse.
Honestly, there is no half measures with these people.
My darling Gwenneth and I put up with it for 42 years but we had each other for support.
Try to think of a witty come back line.
Best wishes and support, Rose P.

Answer 9

Its time to realise that you are happy the way you are and you dont need any approval. If your grandfather doesnt accept you when you eventually come out of the closet, then im afraid, he isnt a good person. Same goes for anyone elce who may diss you over who you are. Be proud. You dont need anyones approval.

Answer 10

tell him: "OH NO, GRANDPA! YOU WERE RIGHT! HOLDING MY HANDS THAT WAY MADE ME GAY!". sorry that was a very bad attempt at humour.

Seriously: tell him that you don't appreciate the way he talks about it, and openly tell him you are gay. He can't do anything about it.

I am a straight guy, but am open to homosexuality. I know several people who are gay and lesbian.