My wife loves me but is not in love with me?

Question

I have known my wife since we were kids. I have always loved her but she was never interested in me. We eventually got involved and married and I assumed that we both felt the same way about each other. She has now told me that though she loves me as a very close friend and that sex is great she has never really been in love with me. I guess a woman knows her potential for giving love and she is not fully attracted to me as a man. What should I do as we have known one another for 20 years, are very close, but I want to receive the same passion and love that I give. Is this selfish and unreasonable? I know one can't force some one to love you the same that you love them.

Answer 1

Being in love is a passing phase. The whirlwind period when you feel you're swept off your feet..but when the dust has settled it really means nothing at all.

Love, however, transcends all and is the only reliable fuel that can light up your marriage and keep it going till eternity.

You're only guessing she's not fully attracted to you as a man. Trust me, a woman would only marry a man she's really attracted to...you guys are soulmates! I hope you two will live in happiness forever. Good luck.

Answer 2

I know this is hurtful, but you need to realize that this situation is just the way it is, from your Wife's standpoint.
You now have choices and you CAN find another person who would share the same needs as you have, and it's OK. This IS not in any way selfish nor unrreasonable. It is very true words you spoke, that "one can't force someone to love you." That's the way it is!

To me, I feel that some people marry because they "settle" for the other person, and it might be ok at the time, but, at times, people "outgrow" each other as getting older and noone is at fault for this. We all change some way or another.

It is beautiful that you and your Wife are close to begin with, as it shows GENUINE Friendship tp start and at least you have that! Although, if you find it hard to only see her as a Friend because of being in love with her, then it would be a good idea to see a Counselor, so you can sort out your feelings with a "Professional" in this area and the person can help you deal through this Transition and maybe you can in time develop an understanding of your Wife's feelings and you can meet at some kind of level that you can be comfortable with it. Again though, it is going to take time!

So, when you feel ready to find your "Soul Mate" you can then take time to meet that "someone!" You will be ok. Just go slow, ok? Love will find you when and where you least expect it! Prayers for you!

Answer 3

I never thought about the difference between "loving" your mate & being "in love" with your mate until a talk I had with a prominent businessman many years ago. He was telling me about his marital situation which echoes what you have said. He & his wife divorced because her feelings had changed just like your wife's feelings have changed for you. When one person no longer feels about their mate as they once did, there's nothing than you can do. You are neither selfish nor unreasonable for wanting/needing to be shown the same love & passion that you give. To stay in a marriage under those circumstances, does not make for a happy life. You would only merely be existing day to day & that's not a "marriage." Your best bet is to do yourselves a favor & suggest a divorce & remain friends afterwards if that is possible. Somewhere, out there, is a lady who will "love" you as well as be "in love" with you. I wish you all the very best.

Answer 4

You both are 20 years together and wonderful communication, congrats!!
You did not mention (age).
Passion=lust is at its peak in the beginning, over time it fades away because it is natural (everything becomes a routine). Age is important because peaks really exist, and hormonal changes are the reason for sexual desire changes.
I hope that your communication in the sexual department is excellent. You both need to add some spice to the routine and the flame of passion will burn wild again. Keep in mind that sex in marriage is the mirror of the entire relationship. Has anyone being unfaithful to each other? I hope not because this kills the passion. This situation needs to be resolved by both of you with a lot of love, patience and sensitivity. Open up to each other and if this is a little difficult you can always go to marriage counseling.
You are a diamond and I hope your woman realizes this. Sometimes people do not appreciate whom they have because their spouses have always being there and they have not experience the loss of love yet.

Answer 5

She probably feels like she wants more, and its unfortunate for you to have to go through this, but the doors of communication need to be open for your marriage to work. Ask her to list all of the things she's looking for in a life partner. Tell her not to spare your feelingsand see what she does. It may be a juvenile way of approaching this, but it works. After you examine the things she has written, cross out what you do, and check the things that WILL be done. You can make a list as well and ask her to do the same as you did. If you two love each other, both of you can make it work. Your biggest motivators are yourselves and if you really want to make it work, it will. If she doesn't want to make it work, she's wasted a lot of your time and should then be left alone. Life isn't long enough to waste time. She may have had you around for all of the wrong reasonsto begin with.

Answer 6

My god I am so sick and tired of seeing this bullsh*t line here.

Women get brainwashed by Lifetime Movies into thinking they can "love" someone with being "in love" with them.

But it is impossible. Unless you are a cold-blooded reptile who is setting up a split in the marriage or wanting to justify getting some strange on the side. Loving and being in love are the exact same thing and it's only retarded selfish juveniles who try to make them different since they want to live 2 lives and try to love more than one person.

Stupid word games for stupid selfish arrogant people.

Take the initiative and dump her first. You deserve much better.

Answer 7

Many women use this EXACT same line...It's even in one of Jennifer Anniston's latest...The thing is she does not feel in love with you and that's not a healthy relationship. For me love is something we give in the "hope" that it returns but we can't expect it. If the hope has run out...then their really isn't any need to stay where we don't feel loved fully. God designed us to Love and be loved - and he will allow that in your life again with full reciprocation. I'd suggest a separation is in order...not a physical one yet - but an emotional one where you go and work on yourself. Get some counseling for yourself and see if she will go too. If not don't stay where you're not loved...she may actually come charging once she see your side...clearly.
Best of Luck

Answer 8

You said it! you can't force someone to love, if that doesn't bother you then you are just going to put up with it! I know that relationships that have been through the same situation and ended up in divorce because there was no "LOVE" in their relationship. if you are ready to deal with that and later you may want to look in another direction to recieve love which in return will cause a major problem.

Answer 9

That's what my ex husband said to me.....right before I found out he WAS in love with somebody else!

You have every right to expect passion and love in a marriage, and since you don't get it, it would be besty to part ways. Then you may find a woman who will love you truly & deeply like you deserve.

Good luck to you---it's a very sad situation...

Answer 10

Some people equate 'being in love' as being in lust and perhaps that's what she means. Sounds like she's never 'lusted' after you and that's ok. She married you, shares your bed, and you two sound like you have a solid marriage. Don't destroy it by wishing for something to change that never will. She loves you and is loyal to you....count your blessings!