A generational question about money?

Question

My husband & I are quite open when talking to my in-laws about money. We feel we do quite well financially and are proud of our accomplishments. The problem is my in-laws. When we feel we cannot afford something we get a lecture I like to call "Why do you have negative wealth, shame on you for not saving more!" But if we accomplish a financial goal, we get the "Money isn't everything" speech. What is it about this generation and money?? BTW the in-laws are well into their 60's and very well off and they always open the money discussions.

Answer 1

First off, let me say this: if you're happy where you are that seems to be the only thing that really matters. The question is what to do about them.

While I normally don't comment on money issues from the way you talk about it it actually sounds simpler than that, because it doesn't sound like it's a generational or a money issue.

Given that they always start the conversation and it always ends the same set of outcomes, it could very well be that the interaction is more important to them than the actual content of what you're talking about. In effect it's a ritual or a game, but one that perhaps they don't even realize they're playing, and one that you may not realize you're playing along with.

There is the question of their motivation. It may be just some relatively benign tic of theirs--they may simply just love to toot their own horn and have the last word. The money talk may in reality be some proxy fight as a substitute or cover regarding dissatisfaction of a more fundamental nature. Can't really help you with that, except to say that the more you can figure that out the more likely you'll be satisfied with the outcome.

You have several options. You can humor them and let them have their little game and accept it as tic of theirs. Alternatively, you can try and get them to stop it.

Based on how you stated the question, it sounds like your response to their opening move tends to be that you talk about your own accomplishments. Have you tried turning the question back on them, perhaps by asking "What would you do?" or "What have you done?". You can do this and zone out while they replay their answer. Maybe by trying this a few times one can figure out what--if anything--is on their mind. If they keep telling the same stories, maybe they want to feel like they're passing on wisdom, or perhaps even fishing for a compliment. If they stay negative and on the attack, then that, too might suggest an underlying issue.

To stop the cycle, one can:
* humor them and play along
* "break the frame" and question them on the issue directly
* refuse to engage

Maybe they just like telling the same stories over and over again. Lots of folks do. At the risk of being too charitable regarding the motives of your in-laws, it may simply be a clash of conversational style, he may simply be too verbally aggressive. To be honest, given that the subject is specific and consistent, this seems ... well ... not particularly likely.

By the phrase "breaking the frame" I mean stepping out of the conversation for the moment and talking about the context of the conversation--in other words, just asking them about their behavior directly. When they start to bring up money, rather than engage them in the conversation and talk about money, one might simply ask the question you ask here back at them: why do they ask, when the conversations always end the same way? Maybe they don't even realize what they're doing. If it goes well, you'll get somewhere with that line of questioning. If not, they'll dodge the issue, change the subject, whatever.

By refusing to engage, I simply mean that if they start talking about money just change the subject or simply tell them that you don't want to talk about it. Just because they bring it up doesn't mean you have to keep it going. If they insist, ask them why. Hopefully you'll get somewhere.

Answer 2

I have found that most people in that generation tend to be very overbearing when it comes to finances. Most of them lived through the Great Depression where they had less than nothing, so they get fanatical about saving. As for the "money isn't everything" speech, that sounds like the classic in-laws trying to assure themselves that their kids don't know about anything.

My grandfather is the same way about money. Save it, put it in the bank, don't turn down the air conditioner, keep the door closed, don't take your sick cat to the vet, don't go out to eat, don't go see a movie, blah, blah, blah...Just because he feels safer living like a monk doesn't mean I have to. I can understand where he comes from, though. He was born right after the stock market crash in 1930. When he was growing up, he was starving. Add to this that he was #3 in a family of 8 children and that all his parents ever had in their fridge was beer, and it's easy to understand why he's so paranoid about money.

Since you know that your in-laws are unpleasant when it comes to money, don't discuss it with them. If they open the money discussions, just say that you're doing fine and change the subject. If they press the issue, say you're not comfortable discussing such private matters. My husband and I finally had to learn to do that with his parents and with people people in my family.

Answer 3

Sounds more like a problem with being the "better" people, instead of a money problem since they switch their attitude on you. They alwasys want to be top notch, not you. It makes people like that feel good about themselves since they have nothing esle to feel good for.