Should I take resposibility for my husband's arrest for domestic violence because I "provoked things"??

Question

My husband was arrested for domestic violence and insists that because I am i ***** and I "push his buttons" that I need to take resposibility for the situation. My ex has now taken custody of my other kids and my husband says " You are the reason your children are gone". He claims if I wantd my children I would not have argued with him or "acted like a *****". A few days ago I wrote my thoughts on a piece of paper, which he read. He woke me up at 4:00 am to tell me I was a liar, and that he was going to show everyone how crazy I was. I took the book back and he apparently wanted it so bad it was worth a fight. Later, when My injuries had me in bed, he claimed that I was just as violent and it was my fault. So I ask you this: Is this my fault even though I screamed for him to stop? Is it my fault when I am backing away from him and he gets scratched while I try to hold him back? He claims I have been just as abusive, but I have never attacked him.

Answer 1

Arguing is a fact of life. How you respond to the disagreement is what defines you. He is abusive.

Waking you up at 4 a.m. to argue is very strategic. He doesn't want you to be clear thinking because that would threaten his control. Wonder if he will do that to the judge that tries him?

He has no respect for you and your children will learn that. Trust me on this. Every time he implies your lack of power, it will be evaluated by the kids, and they will test it. If you feel the slightest guilt, you will attempt to make up for HIS issues, and the kids will interpret that as weakness.

You may want to see a therapist and find out if you fight fair for the sake of your kids, because they will learn from you whether you are functional or not.

People are going to 'push his buttons' all his life. When your buttons are pushed, do YOU get to hit folks? (If you answer yes to this, you may have, in fact, "provoked things" but trying to stay away from him is not an act of aggression)

You have decisions to make.

Blessings.

Answer 2

Well, you bring up a lot of issues here. I'm going to play devil's advocate to give you some perspective. First off, if he threw your computer and didn't hit you, then that's probably not d/v, and you might be taking all this a bit too far. I mean, leaving him over that and he didn't even hit you? Maybe there are some other issues besides this... The other thing is, its a bad idea to be around/ try to talk sense into/ disagree with an angry drunk person. I mean, aren't you letting our pride get in the way of your safety? Isn't there a part of you that can rationalize the sense of just reassuring him if he is feeling insecure about you two, rather than arguing, then going to get on your computer? My advice is, if you DO stay with him, then you are going to have to handle these situations more strategically. There are right times and wrong times to push buttons. When he's drunk and angry is a wrong time. This to me is like giving someone the advice of not taunting the tigers at the zoo. Its asking for it. Even if you ARE "right," why instigate the guy to beat you up???? It reminds me of Jackson's "Beat it", where he talks about how "no one wants to be defeated," so they become part of gang violence rather than living peaceful lives. As for the custody issue, there isn't enough history here. Based on this one incident, he could do counseling and start up at AA, and the judge would probably be okay with that. I know this probably wont be picked as the "best' answer, but I realy think honestly you need to look at the big picture and consider your own hand in all of this.

Answer 3

the short answer is...partly. I grew up being hit a lot by my parents so it was no surprise I ended up in an abusive relationship for a short time. In breaking the cycle I got a book entitled "men who hate women, and the women who love them". It taught me how there is a cycle of violence that builds to the actual abuse and then calms down to the "hearts and flowers, I'm sorry baby, why did you make me do that" stage. It's true, sometimes the victim will provoke the violence JUST TO GET IT OVER. I did. And it's not that you like getting hit or screamed at, it's just familiar. The best thing is to get some counseling. contact your local Domestic Violence Coalition. Find out what you are doing wrong and fix it for yourself and your kids.

Answer 4

Should you take responsibility? ABSOLUTELY NOT! The abuser always likes to blame the abused. They don't want to take the blame themselves. Please don't take this wrong, but for right now, with the abuse that you have been going thru, it's good that your kids are with your ex. PLEASE get ahold of a Center For Battered Women, or some organizaiton like it, and please get into a support group asap. The location will be confidential-you need to keep it that way. It is for everyone's safety. Also, when you go, you will find other women that have been in the same boat as you, etc. Plus, the center should have a legal person you can talk with about getting a restraining order against the husband, keeping you two apart from each other, and providing you want get a divorce from this guy-or your ex will have the kids till they are 18. I once saw a poster about abuse. It showed a casket, with a beautiful spray of flowers on it. The caption read, "He gave her flowers, only one time". Please, please, please, get away, and stay away from this guy. The sooner the better-for you and your kids. I wish you the best. Take care.

Answer 5

Should you be resposibility for your husband's arrest for domestic violence because you supposedly "provoked things"?

No.

He has control over his actions. If he comes at you physically then that is his issue. All he's trying to do is shift blame from himself because "you made me do it". He needs to grow-up. Of course, men like him rarely do. They go through life never taking responsibility for anything they do, and leaving a path of destruction in their wake.

He's insecure, and thus controlling and a bully. When someone feels out of control of their life, they try to control what they can, which usually is those closest to them. And being a bully (verbally, emotionally, and physically) is the easiest way to bring their world immediately into their control.

You need to get away from him now. It's not going to get any better. Ever.

Answer 6

Breath.....and think about the fight once again.....
who hit who.....who provoked what.....He is good....
The bad guy will always try and twist the other persons words and actions just so he can always be right or the winner.
Search your heart and you already know the answer to this...
Now ask yourself....why am I still with this Man?
How many times has this happened before ....and you are the one that is always at fault....he can do No wrong.

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy....I think I would be thinking about myself and what I deserve....start by getting some counseling and standing on your own.

Best wishes....YOU CAN DO IT!

Answer 7

Dont let him get to you! And how did he get to have the kids?! You have every right to write your feelings on paper and for your thoughts to be private. He had no right to throw that in your face, and darling, the only reason you would be going crazy is because of him - and he knows it because that is what he is working on. He is just trying to wear you down and break you, dont let him.
Get away as fast as you can and seek legal advice about getting your kids back. It is not you fault - any of it.
All my love to you, and take care!

Answer 8

you should take responsibility for any actions you take,however,i would not be too eager to make excuses for his actions. one of the signs of maturity,and personal growth ,is the ability to keep your head ,even when someone else is 'pushing your buttons.' you are in a really unfortunate relationship. and- if there is not a significant change in both of you, it may increase until irreparable damage to someone has occured.your husband has several major personality flaws-a nasty temper, and the inability to recognise that he is always responsibile for his own actions.not a good combination.you are the best hope for making the proper decisions that must be made for the benefit of all involved.get help from professionals.. best wishes

Answer 9

Well maybe you a verbally abusive and or a crazy *****. I don't think it's your fault. Unless you attacked physically there is no need for him to hit you. I think if you are both too violent with each other then never see each other again.

Answer 10

The other day it rained when I wanted to go out for a walk, so I couldn't. Would you be happy to take responsibility for that too?

Come on, girl, it is the oldest trick in the bag of any self-respecting abuser to brainwash his victim into believing that being abused is somehow their own fault. Stop buying into that crap. You deserve better.