Wanna be a writter, some help would be useful...?

Question

plase read this litle tale, and give some advice about hoew to improve it
http://psicobunny.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!D7D30260234C8BDA!320.entry
as long as english is not my mother lenguaje, i aprecciate any kind of comment in order to make it better next time.
It had some kind of succes, when I read the lenguaje I wrote it, spanish.

Answer 1

Paragraph 1: Starting a sentence with "Finally" makes a reader think they started in the middle of the story. Try "I finally" instead. Saying "our" implies "common" so the word common is not needed. I'm not sure what is meant by "indispensable" try finding a better word. If you mean it couldn't be changed then try "irreversible" or maybe you actually mean "indisputable" that it couldn't be argued about. Instead of a ":" after "indispensable" you should use a ";" "Branch" is in the past tense so it needs to be "branched" and "which" should be "that" and a better word than thinks might be "claimed" "mercyless" is not a real word, try instead saying "without mercy," with the comma there and get rid of "those" because we already know who, you are just connecting two ideas and relating them to one group. I'm not sure if you mean to use "besiege" does the speaker mean this group has chosen to think he keeps his lover from doing what she wants to do for fear of him after they've broken up? If not you may want to find a better word.

Paragraph 2: A better word for "clarify" could be "realize." "on the contrary" is suggested by the "but" so you don't need to say that. "Cleaned it" would be more clear and there is no "the" before "disuse" You need another "it" after "caressed" and "gave" should be "giving" You need to make this more than one long sentence. Usually a paragraph is at least two sentences but usually more. I would suggest an end to the sentence after "giving it back." The last part needs to be reworded. I'm not sure what you are trying to say because "cerciorarte" is not a word.

Paragraph 3: "of" should be "to" Usually ( ) these aren't used in stories as it detracts from the flow. Instead you can use "...again; no one ever expects it back once it is given." Start the next sentence with "I am" rather than just "still" Also, it is hard to imagine skin falling through fingers, maybe you mean hair? It's hard for me to see what you are saying after that. Not sure why you are talking about ground, unless you mean to use the expression "broken ground" which refers to, as far as a relationship goes, that the things you had in common, you no longer have in common. Or do you mean "breaking ground" which would imply the relationship has taken an unexpected turn for the better and is developing in a positive way. "coslope" is not a word and I'm not sure what word you meant to use.

That is all I have time to help you with right now. I will say that by the time I got to the end of the story I felt that it was a good one, and I can see that in it's original language it was a good one. The ideas were sound, and well laid out. You could benefit from taking some English grammar and writing classes. Or hiring a tutor to help you figure it out so you aren't a burden to a publishers editor. Publishers may not want to deal with you if it means a ton of work for their editor. I would not recommend "simplifying" as others have suggested. Don't ever let anyone try to limit your writing. Writers need to be as expressive as possible and it just isn't true that English speakers like simplicity... maybe the simple English speakers, with a 12 word vocabulary do, but the majority I would say enjoy an intelligent, expressive story, that demonstrates a rich vocabulary. And I believe this could be such a story once the grammar is cleared up. Think about painting, you don't want to use just the base colors, you want to mix them up and produce new colors for the enjoyment of the viewer. So keep it up and learn some more English vocabulary. English speakers impress each other by knowing good words, how much more a non native speaker who uses words better than a native one?

Kudos on a great story! :)

Answer 2

Its language and writer (spelling), and well I read it and I understand that it is about a heart, but is it being reborn or is it heartbroken. It wasn't very clear. If English not your first language then there is something you should now about people who speak English we like simplicity and I would try to simplify what you are trying to say that way it is easier to understand.

All in all I give it a good effort and I hope you succeed. Keep trying trial and error are the best ways to learn.

Answer 3

Keep it as simple as possible, like the following.

Finally, I clarified to our friends about what happened between us. It was indispensable: They were divided over what happened.

I began to clarify that you did not break my heart, but that you took it between your hands, cleaned it from the dust of disuse. and caressed it. Now I can feel it beat again.

And there is awe in that my heart is still warm from the contact with your skin, I let it fall between my fingers and it breaks into a thousand pieces. And assembled, there was not half a heart left.

For seven years, my heart did not do as meant.

Answer 4

The translation is so labored and so uneven, it is very hard to tell if you are intending to be so graphic, or if it's just a fairly coarse translation. Sorry.