Rate this please... (how do I fare as a writer)?

Question

Just a random 17yr old's thoughts - scribbled on paper... rough work...
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Dreamin'...
...dreamin' all day, I wish to run free... free to taste all the colors of the wind,

My spirit is a river...
...a river yearning to hit into the vast & beautiful ocean,

My heart is aglow ...
...aglow like that of the gleaming moon in the dark of the night,

My soul is like the dunes...
...the dunes of a proud and steady desert, blowing rhythmically,
singing a silent song in the chilling desert wind of the evening,

My imagination is restless...
...restless like a flowing waterfall, yearning to escape,
desiring to feel, to touch and to drink this sparkling life

My spirit, heart, soul & imagination unite ...
...unite powerfully, and throb for the desire to be unleashed,
the desire to flow, the passionate desire to run freely out in the open,
eating the fruits of nature & tasting the essence of life...
out in the open... out in the vast open

Full of cliches? ...Care to elaborate?

Answer 1

I like, i like very much. Is it going to be a poem? It would do well as a song... The personification and comparisons used are good and it's very visual.

Answer 2

Lovely!!! It is a remarkable work....and then I think...what work isn't? You seem to be under a spell while writing this. Some of which is inconsistent with the rest, I liked that visual of the ever difficult to combine "restless & spirit" ~ Absolutely beautifulI have only one question an smiluing I offer you the praise you deserve to hear. That question wiould be to the line toward the bottem...."out in the open"....why ...ciould it be any other way? I think not. I cannot consider a country that would imprison me. I cannot accept a family who doesnt acce0pt me for who I AM not who I will be,.

Answer 3

You use simple words in an elegant way and that is refreshing.Just remember not to fall in love with the words .They are the vehicle for your emotion,not the end in themselves.If you would be an artist,you must be willing to stand naked and alone against the vicious indifferent wind,the cruel leers of impotent men and the very great possibility that you will die obscure and unrecognized.

Answer 4

i think it would be better if you used more metaphors and similes. rather than saying exactly what you mean, you should find more parallels in nature to try to show what you're saying. a good poem leaves the reader wondering what exactly it isa about and allows the reader to apply their own meaning. your poem is a little trite and simple. but like every art, practice makes perfect.

Answer 5

I think you did a great job! Keep up the good work and let the imagination flow. Good luck in your future endevours

Answer 6

Full of cliches

Lots of cliches, which are overused ideas and phrases that are supposed to be novel or profound but kind of lose their novelty because they're overdone.

Answer 7

...Deep: I would rate you as a thought provoking self motivation writer. this work of yours is the type or reading one would be doing as one listens to mediation music. Keep it up!! you made have hidden talent here.....check out www.nightingale.com,order some of the materials and you see what I MEAN.....WHO KNOWS...I might be rwading or hearing your works.

Answer 8

I think it's very good. Keep up the writing and never throw anything you write out even if you think its stupid.

Answer 9

It was good but I found it hard to 'immerse' myself in, like a really good poem would do.

Answer 10

I thought it was nice...you definately have potential if you have material like this and if you have just started, your off to a great start...