What would you do?

Question

I have been divorced for several years now. I've been through those fazes people go through when burned and healing. I've been to therapy, pastorial councilling, Divorce care special weekly group for folks who survived divorce. I have been known as the guy who hates woman but I honestly don't hate them I am "Just VERY cautious!" Some people think I am a forever bachelore! But honestly I am lonely and having someone seems appealing yet MAN do I remember the Pain and suffering, the cost of a relationship here in the good old US of A. I have prayed, received mentorship, read books after book, been to seminars on love, marriage, and even revisited the teenage issues of saving sex for marriage and becomming a secondary virgin and making a commitment to God to save myself for the one He has for me. yet, I even get close and well, I sort of shut down. I see or feel the same mannerisms as my ex exhibted and I shut down! It is no mas! So what would you do in my shoes?

Some people call me "gun shy". But I sat and thought about THE happiest time in my life EVER with a woman and it was not here in the USA. It was while I was in the US Army stationed in Panama. I think about her and my heart melts again but that was so many years ago. Then I came back to the USA and its been nothing but pain and suffering ever since. I am sooo INTO Latin woman now it aint funny. All I can say is I got spoiled and I could kick myself because I did not marry the woman I deeply and truly loved. Now all I want to do is marry someone spanish, Latin, Panamanian, Columbian, Costa Rican Or someone Spanish from that deeply rooted background in FAMILY. They put our idea of family to shame for sure! Not before or since then have I experienced how a woman could love a man and her family like I did in Panama. All I know is I remember what made me very happy.

Answer 1

Well I know you are hurting and I'm sorry. Women sometimes can be cold and hurtful and I'm sorry for that but they are not all like that I feel no one should be alone and you should try again but be cautious. Hope this help good luck and God Bless

Answer 2

What I would do is learn how to forgive and forget. When a person has not gotten over a hurt it means they still carry resentment in their heart. To let go of this takes only the will to do so. Yes it is that simple. Part of your forgiveness my involve you. Yes you!

You are choosing to let this hurt your life over and over and over again to the point every other lady you meet is judged through your hurt. There is no detail about your marriage so we can't even begin to evaluate what lead to its demise but I can tell you feelings of hate of the opposite sex is very revealing. When you are ready to deal with your real issues only then you can let this go. I tell ya there are many places you can go to get counseling but very few are really skilled at getting to the bottom of real issues. I know this from experience from my 20year marriage. It was my wife and I that finally got to the bottom of things and it was not done through tossing blame at the other. So I don't put must merit in what you say you have done in your quest to heal. Some of things you have done I know would have confused the issues more.

Part of being in a full responsive partnership is taking responsebility for your culpability in a failure. Nothing happens in a vacuum. There are reasons behind all actions.

Throwing away an established life carries some major loses when it breaks apart. If you have children then the fallout is even more amplified. A reasoning person would take a long look at the consequences before ending a marriage because of a personal glitch that may have been a manifestation created by the both of you. If this is the case why should only one person in the union carry the full blame? I think in your case you have to be real with you to find real answers.

Based on your addtional details: The people in this country may have different values that the country you were used to. This may account for your marriage failure. Simple mis-communication based on different values. You may want to take a close look at this.

Answer 3

You've obviously been hurt, and yes, many people have been hurt and divorced more than once, so it makes total sense that you are being cautious. However, you need to realize that a) not everyone will be like the person that hurt you, not all realtionships will be like the last one and you might succeed in having a good one this time, and b) there is no "right speed" at which to move about in a relationship. Just take your time getting to know someone, and if you start to shut down, take a breath or a step back, but don't get discouraged. If someone isn't willing to give you time, then they probably aren't worth your time. If she really cares for you, she'll wait. Take your time, and good luck!

Answer 4

If you truly believe God has someone he has chosen especially for you, don't stress about it--it will happen.

Concentrate on each day, and enjoy the people around you. Keep a smile on your face, and never hesitate to say hello to your fellow workers or your neighbors. Say "Hi" to everyone you meet: the person you pass on the street, the person behind the counter when you pick up your cleaning, the mailman, the newspaper delivery person.

You will feel good about yourself when you begin feeling good about others.

Take yourself out to dinner, the movies, the zoo, the theater. Stop eating at McDonald's or picking up a TV dinner.

In E.B. White's book, Charlotte's Webb, Templeton, the rat, said" Life is a veritable smorgasbord". Make life your "veritable smorgasbord".

Answer 5

Maybe you are not ready for a relationship yet. I do however think that you will find someone one day. The fact that you don't hate women altogether is a good thing.The virgin thing is something that I think a lot of women would appreciate too. You will know when you are ready to start a relationship again. Until, then just be happy with yourself.

Answer 6

There is no problem being gunshy, cautious, how about skeptical of getting into something again just because society tells you to. Do what ya gota do bro, but jumping into anothe relationship because you think you have to could spell heartache all over again.
It is usually when you aren't looking or trying so hard that she will show up.

Answer 7

u have issues. let go of the past. u gotta let it go. its obviously still controlling ur emotions, actions, thoughts. u might ask how? there is no magic to it. its a conscious decision that u have to make. what have u learned about ur self? how did u contribute to ur divvorce? have u acknowledged ur part and changed? that is what u gotta think about. difficult situations are there to make u stronger and better and not to hold u back. u got to pick up ur chin off the floor. thank God for the experience and what u have learned and move on to good and better things and enjoy the moment, the present and stop dwelling in the past. good luck, man.

Answer 8

If you want to stay single then that is fine but if you want to be in aloving relationship again give it a chance, and have faith. My husband and I are both from broken marriages, I was single for 18 yrs before I met him. He was only divorced for a yr. We dated for 5 yrs before getting married because he was being cautious, and I understood that. We are very happy. I am glad I waited for the right guy.

Answer 9

i was in your shoes once and no it is not fun. i had to leave that past behind me and look ahead. when your not looking for a relationship is when it usually happens. i was burnt badly too but i decided it was very unfair to look at other men the same way i looked at me ex husband. it is a big world out there and plenty of fish in the sea. you can always throw back the fish if it is not what your looking for.

Answer 10

harshness aside. It takes time. You have to learn to trust again. It will never be ok, easier, or over. Just try to remember that this is not her. It gets better. But only if you LET it.
It can get better. But worry is the devils work. Be positive.