I just wrote it, rate please!
Before I met you,
my heart was broken and empty.
I felt hurt, I was in pain, and alone.
When I cried, no one cared.
You were like the light inside my heart,
You made me feel alive.
you fixed my heart,
you took away the pain.
You gave me company,
when I cried you caught my tears,
You filled my heart.
You.
2007-02-17 15:16:53 · 13 answers · asked by toxic0candy 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
This sound better?
----
Before I met you,
my heart was broken and empty.
I felt hurt, pain, and alone.
When I cried, no one cared.
You had given me a meaning for life.
you fixed my heart,
when I had pain, you took it away.
You gave me company,
when I cried you caught my tears,
You filled my heart.
2007-02-17 15:40:12 · update #1
The idea is good, but it's a tad literal. I would suggest working on the meter so that it would flow a bit smoother and were gentler with your language.
2007-02-17 15:20:20 · answer #1 · answered by shooting_star242 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is interesting but I found this original much better than the revised version! I guess that is expected as different readers read poems differently. The you foregrounds the addressee quite well in my opinion. The final You is particularly pleasing.
Writing this I cannot see the revised version but the light in my heart is perfect in this original.
As I suggested elsewhere, you may want to rethink the periods but I can see here there are commas. Fine. Fixed is rather not quite appropriate here. . . .too mechanical like using tools to reconstruct a leaking oil tank. what about "warmed" or such soft sounding synonym! Caught my tears? caught!!? wiped. Caught evokes suddenness like catching the ball and going away but I think you mean some deeper tender on-going attention/care.
These lines opening the poem are perfect and I'd not revise them:
Before I met you,
my heart was broken and empty.
I felt hurt, I was in pain, and alone.
Rather than you were like, I'd suggest omitting "like" since that likens the addressee to actual light in a more profound and poetic way.
Great poem.
2007-02-18 01:23:09 · answer #2 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it’s good but I think it could be a little more articulate. Also the transition between the contrast of “broken heart” and “light inside your heart” seems way to abrupt. Also maybe it’s just me but the final line “you” seems very unfitting given the literal flow of the poem, I like the tears line though.
6/10
2007-02-17 23:27:03 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
On a scale from 1 - 10... 1 being the worst and 10 being the best. I would give it a 7.
2007-02-17 23:26:08 · answer #4 · answered by starfire 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This poem is very well written. It has all the elements of what feeling are going on with you before you had anyone one. Then it tells how you feel now that you have found someone and makes you happy.
2007-02-17 23:30:48 · answer #5 · answered by foxylady 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really like it!!! Sounds great and it expresses lots of feeling. Try adding more metaphores!!! GREAT LOVE POEM!!!!! 2 MANY YOU'S I'll give it an 8.5 out of 10!!!
2007-02-17 23:26:19 · answer #6 · answered by chiquiz08 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awesome...it seems as if you have really written what all you have gone through...dont worry if it doesn't have a proper rhyme scheme...i appreciate your courage to write about your feelings...Poem is all about expressing yourself and you have also expressed yourself completely...Keep it up..!!!
2007-02-18 00:20:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
good good! but somewhat choppy in places, especially the end.
2007-02-17 23:25:43 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
a 6....the concept is nice...but the YOU turns me off....good job though.
2007-02-17 23:28:16 · answer #9 · answered by Mee-OW =^..^= 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
awww I like that poem!! Good job!
2007-02-17 23:35:50 · answer #10 · answered by ♥doodlebug♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋