Does this poem sound good?

Question

Plz rate from 1-10 and tell me what I did good and what I did wrong.! Thanks!
Here is two and plz tell me which one you like better but give your opinion on both!
Do you, Do I?
As my mind wonders,
My mind also ponders.

Do you really love me?
Do you really care for me?

Do I really love you?
Do I really care for you?


Yes, I do.
Hopefully you do too.



This second one I did, and for those who just answered on a persons "does this poem sound good" for Kiwi,.. this is Kiwi,, if yall want proof.,, tell me ok.. well.. here it is ..

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A Tiny Seed

My love for you started out as a tiny seed. It started out as small as a grain of salt, but it grows each day. It cannot grow with out you. Your touch, your voice, and your deep beautiful eyes, make my heart melt and my love grow each day.
It is still growing.

Answer 1

Try not to take my critiques as personal criticisms, given you DID ask for help here. Depending on who you are giving this to, she/he may love you just for trying. And if it really does come from your heart, then it shouldn't matter what you write. Regardless of this I will do an "amateur explication" on your poetry.

In all poetry, the audience is the utmost important. Is this poem for yourself only? Is it for a lover? Is it for the masses? It would really help to know who you are trying to get this poem out to.

First of all, taking a look at the first poem, lets do a line by line analysis.

Your title:

(Do you, Do I?) This needs to be underlined and separated by a space both above it and below it to make it stand out as the given title. Its meaning can be taken as complete uncertainty in a relationship. Romance poems can always be the trickiest because soooo many people have written them.

but back to the poem - I don't know if you really want to come off as uncertain if you plan on sharing this with the other person that is in the actual poem. Uncertainty is a sign of lack of confidence to many people. Instead of stating:

Do I? Do you?

Maybe you could go with: Do we?

So that way, you can make it a shared feeling!

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All right, now lets take a look at the first two lines:

"As my mind wonders,
My mind also ponders."

Wondering and pondering are basically the same thing. Yes, they are rhymes. But you don't always have to rhyme to be the best poet on the block - infact - NOT rhyming may even emphasize your ideas and feelings. A different way to approach this:

"As my mind wanders,
Thoughts of you meander"

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And on to the next two lines:

"Do you really love me?
Do you really care for me?"


A common poet's problem is using over-used words. Since I began writing and explicating poetry, I would suggest using http://thesaurus.com to help you create connotations of words that you use so that you don't come off as a cliché romantic, as I mentioned before.

Love can't be easily replaced by a better word - and yet again, if someone DID love you, wouldn't they care for you just the same? Try to avoid redundancy by using words that are farther apart in meaning, but alike in category.

Also, like in the title - you're still uncertain.

That's disheartening to the recipient if it reaches them.
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Again, the next two lines:


"Do I really love you?
Do I really care for you?"


Yet again - simple words, and constant uncertainty. Try elaborating your feelings so that you evoke more feeling from the reader.

An example of this would be:

" the landscape of my mind, love is amiss,
that look in your eye, shall we kiss?"

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The last two:

"Yes, I do.
Hopefully you do too."


Hmmmm. Well - taking a look at these last two lines would really make me think you have very little confidence if I was the recipient. "hopefully" is a word used by people with little hope. (yet again, im not trying to piss you off or insult your writing, but its true - Hope and luck never make a profit, in life or in business.)

And yet you say you do love her/him at the end of the poem.

This makes me react in a very confused way.

First, why would you FINALLY be stating your love after all of this uncertainty business? Rearrange your poem so that you are sure of yourself.


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A Tiny Seed: On this poem, some "poetry structure" could help.

Try this:

My love for you started as a tiny seed,
It started out small, as a grain of salt,
But it grows each day, it cannot grow -

Without you, your touch, your voice,
And your deep beautiful eyes make,
My heart melt and my love grow each day -

And its still growing. (this could be italicised optionally)




But see what I did there? I made each line around the same length so that it looked more structured. Also, the last line was put out separately to add emphasis to the line. And as far as the actual poem, its beautiful. Good work. I like your confidence in this one.

Good luck and may words transcend life my friend,

- j

Answer 2

10. This is the most heartfelt poem I've ever heard. I write songs and I always struggle with the lyrics although the music comes naturally to me. I guess you either have it or you don't.

Answer 3

A 4 !!

Answer 4

Sounds good for me. If anyone wanted me to write a poem to them for a special occaision, I would want to write something like yours!!!
Keep up the AWESOME work!! I want to read some more!
=D

Answer 5

I like both of them I would say both an 8.
You should maybe add more to the first poem.
Other than that its good.



Good Job!

Answer 6

GOOD!! i will rate it 6 and half.I have answered your last questiond too..and found that you have improved a lot...