Why did he marry me to begin with?

Question

I am the way I am and have always been this way. I was this way when he and I were dating and will be this way if he and I split. I dont understand why he still expects me to act like he does.

I dont respond the same way he does to things and he doesnt get that. I dont want him to take on my characteristics nor do I want his. He says that he married me thinking that I would change.

Now why marry someone that you want to change. Seems to risky to me, not worth all of the effort. I feel as if he is punishing me.

I want to know if others are going through the same thing. I mean if you know what you want, then go out and get it. Dont purchase a partially dead plant, in hopes that one day it will grow into what you want, if what you really wanted was a vibrant, green, and alive plant.

I mean I dont understand his logic is all it is very confusing. When I want chocolate ice cream I get chocolate ice cream. I dont buy vanilla in hopes that I can change it into chocolate.

I used the plant and ice cream comparisons to make a point. The dont mean anything just used to get the point across. Some of you people read way too much into things.

Waterboy there is something wrong with you.

There are sacrifices and then there is him wanting me to become a different person.

Dont you think it was selfish of him to marry me, when he truly wanted something else?

Answer 1

Very Well Stated! I could NOT have said it any better! Never ceases to amaze me why folks do that......if you don't accept them, lock, stock, and barrel, then do NOT marry them!

Answer 2

I understand what you mean. However, it all depends on what "way" you are. Like, do you sleep around? Or do you just not like to clean up after yourself? A few more details would help out.

But, I've been married for 7 years and I found out very early on that marriage was more than just love, trust and friendship. It's VERY much about compromise and sacrifice. You don't get married and then say, "Well I just don't feel like it anymore". Um, hello??! You made vows! UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART! I mean, just try to think of why you married him and talk with him.

I know a lot of times I get REAL upset and want out of it all. But I don't feel like that for too long. Marriage will ALWAYS have its ups and downs. You just have to hold on and be strong with him.

I'm sure if you looked at your whole relationship, you'd see that maybe this 'flaw' is also a benefit. So use this "benefit" to your advantage.

Good luck!

Answer 3

It sounds confusing but here we go.......Men and women marry a person hopefully for LOVE....but in some cases it is about the changing that lures them in. I mean I wouldn't marry someone to change them but some people do. It is sad to see marriages go bad because someone wanted to marry you to change you but it happens all the time, I believe that if you marry someone you should marry them for the way that they are period. I agree with you full heartedly. This is why divorce occurs allot. I think society tells us to be ignorant and change others. Sad Huh?

Hope your situation works out. you sound like a smart person. you and your husband will either make up or break up seems those are the only options. Right? God bless and take care..

Answer 4

You are right. I am sorry you did not know what he was thinking when he married you. He is dead wrong for wanting to change you in any way. Every one changes in some way all through out their life. But for him to want you to be some kind of stepford wive is stupidity on his part. he should love your individuality, and appreciate the differences between you. He is missing out on someone special. I guess he is just conceited enough to want a clone of himself to live with. No challenge there. Give him what he wants. A big mirror to look in and talk to every day. And you gone from his life to seek true happiness with someone who will love you for the wonderful person you already are.

Answer 5

i think that everyone goes into a relationship with certain expectations. and those are seldom ever met.

the thrill of dating someone sometimes is having the possibility of changing their mind.
if you were with someone who just agreed with everything you said or did how long do you think that would last.

i know some pretty hard-headed people, including myself, that would rather die than to 'conform ' to someone else's standards.
however if you 'feel' like you love that person, certainly you would want to do what you are able to do to make them happy.
but without changing yourself in the process..

none of that probably made sense, but read it until it does. i am cure you will get the idea after a few times..

sorry for my bitchiness, i am tired and should have gone to be 1/2 hour ago.

Answer 6

I admire you for being strong in your convictions.
But ask yourself if the changes he wants you to make are worth loosing him over.
FOr example, if my spouse wanted me to change my irresponsible spending, i *MIGHT* be willing to do that if I though that the result would be divorce because my new shoes arent really worth the person that I love.
However, I am a flirt by nature
I would be unwilling to change that
the start of we does not end the me.
Stand your ground or you will not know yourself as the change game is a slippery slope.
IT may be hard but be you
you will be glad you did
if he has to go
BYE
let him change someone else and ruin who they are

Answer 7

Ask him why he married you...tell him you weren't ever going to change. Thing is, marriage is a partnership ...a compromise, so if you do love him then perhaps you can both come to a "medium" point. If not by yourselves, then with a counsellor who serves as a go between and can give you both some pointers from an outsider's perspective.
You can both work it out, communication IS the key to any working relationship.

Answer 8

I am not sure if your partially dead plant is the best analogy in the world, but if you read that from a psychiatric stand point, it's a good indication that you understand that there is something wrong with you or it gives some validation to his complaints. It also shows your unwillingness to change.

The best thing to do is talk and if you cannot reach a compromise (ie stop being stubborn) or meet in the middle, then maybe it's time to move on.

That's my Dr Phil - spiel for the day.

Answer 9

Anyone that marries or gets romantically involved with someone should want the person just for the way they are, and not what they wish to aspire you to be or become.

Having someone accept you as you are is paramount, and they should only wish to compliment your uniqueness and your individuality. If someone doesn't accept you as you are, is nothing less than a dictatorship and trying to live up to what another expects or wants you to be is to reject the "You" that you are and have become on yours and your maker's terms and plans.

When someone wants to change you, they are in many ways telling you that you don't measure up, and you don't meet their expectations, and they may see and use a marriage certificate as a right to mold you and control you on their terms.

It is sad that anyone would want to re-configure you or anyone else for thier own motives. They should have waited to find someone that suits them to the "T". Then again, some people like that wouldn't know a perfect person for them if they bit them on the a**.

Some people operate on the premise that controlling and changing another makes them feel powerful, and it's the control they like, and not the person. Some believe that being in control and directing a relationship gives them a sense of security.

Yes,......what you asked was a good question. If someone doesn't merely compliment you as a person or helps make you better and help you attain your own goals, then they are not a healthy addition to your world or purpose.

God knows it's hard enough for us to be totally "us", but, to have another try to reshape and rekindle us to be something of another's notion is a great insult to our individuality. Sounds like Mr. Potter needs to get a reality check or a new fresh mound of clay to play with. He doesn't need to change you, he needs to change his perceptions of whom you are, and learn to accept and love whom he married. If he can't,......I'd give him his walking papers. It sounds like he has you confused with the Easter Bunny!

Answer 10

He shouldn' t expect you to change he fell in love with the way you are and he needs to accept this. No one can change a person and you just continue to be you and its not working out and your miserable then part on good terms and both move on the find the right person life is to short to settle for anything less.

Answer 11

My friends husband is the same selfish way out of touch with her needs. He is always seeing female "friends" It hurts her and he tells them she is a *****, yet if he wasn't seeing them she would not be and she would be happy this is truly what she wants. No man is worth the time of day when he expect to change a woman into his way of thinking.