Is saying "I love ya" to a married man normal here?!?!?

Question

Hi, I'm not from the US, so maybe there is a slight chance that my husband is honest at least in THIS respect. He has a "very good" female friend he never told me about. She is in Iraq now and when he sent her a care package he wanted to put expensive stuff in, I started being alarmed. He bought things for her online and never told me about it. Later, when I asked him, he denied it, and when I told him I knew, he pretended that he had forgotten. No biggie in his mind. After a bad fight, he promised me he would always tell me when she calls or emails, but he broke that promise. She emails him every now and then, and always closes with "I love ya". He says that's normal in the States because they are friends. I say he's married and the word "love" is pretty big. I think he should feel uncomfortable about it and should have explained to her a long time ago that it is inappropriate.
Or do I just not understand the cultural implications?!?

Thanks for alI the great answers.

I forgot to mention that he says "Hun" to her, which to me is an endearing term, to him typical American, and that he defended himself by saying that she is like a little sister to him. How should I know?! Sounds like a cheap excuse to me, but please enlighten me.

Answer 1

It really is a thin line. I have friends that I end e-mail with the words "luv ya", the difference is that they are girlfriends of mine with husbands, and we sort of have like a girls group. I don't think I would be comfortable with my husband saying those words to another woman , especially when he is acting so shady about the whole thing. He seems like he is trying to hide something. If the relationship between him and his friend was on the up and up, you would have known what be bought her, and would have been able to read every e-mail. When there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to hide. The red flags go up when they are hiding something and tell you there is nothing to hide, acting like you just fell off the back of a truck!

Answer 2

Americans are a mishmash of people. Go with your gut. You don't need any American telling you how to feel.

Do you honestly think it will improve things if somebody says, "Oh, that's normal with us, blah blah blah."

Sorry, not trying to be mean here.

"I love ya" and "hun" treads on dangerous territory. She's a desperate woman in desperate circumstances. Why should she care about bothering some guy's wife when she could get bombed tomorrow? Iraq's hardly a place of etiquette. She's probably surrounded by a bunch of idiots.

He said he'd always tell you, but he didn't.

I find it very shady that he would send a care package. You're married. I don't see why you shouldn't be in on that sort of stuff too. Why was it done secretly? How about, "Dear, I know this girl from the States, and she's in Iraq now. I can' believe I actually know someone over there. I'm thinking of sending her a care package. Life is pretty harsh and she's a friend. What do you think?"

I think it's your husband that doesn't understand the cultural implications. That's the way of the U.S. these days - shutting out anything that isn't "American", whatever that is.

Actions speak louder than words. Many Americans are sweet-talkers. Don't buy it.

Answer 3

No! Not normal. Your husbands activities are not normal eather. He is having an afair with this person plain and simple. Its okay to have friends of the opposite sex, but you don't send them care packages filled with expensive gifts. Is she an orfan or something? Is he playing big brother? I don't know. But just the fact that you are seeing red flags and are concerned about this situation is enough for me to think something else is going on here. If this is just a friendship, then when you confronted him he should have been right up front with his answer. He wasn't, sooo he has something to hide. When he e-mails her does he also say Love ya? This friend may be long distance but she is definately too close for comfort.Ask your husband how would he feel if you were doing what he is doing? Would he be okay with it? If so then I say get a Love ya friend fast and start having some friendly fun too. Your husband is disrespecting you with this relationship. It needs to stop.

Answer 4

A female friend saying that I love you everyonce in a while is not that big of a deal. However since he is buying stuff for her and communicating with her behind your back I would be concerned that he may be having or considering having an affair with this woman. Also since he never told you about her before and I guess you just found out after he's purchases I would be suspicious. The best thing for you to do would be to kick your husbands *** and straighten him out.

Answer 5

I have a male friend that i have know since i was 15. I am 39, and when we see one another, we always hug and when leaving he always says, i love ya sis. Now, this is even in front of his wife, whom i am very good friends with as well. So, it may be a little different than your case.
But, the bad thing about your story is the fact that he lied to u about it. He is hiding something or he wouldnt have lied.
I would get to the bottom of it.
There something isnt right.
Good luck.

Answer 6

It sounds to me like there is more going on here than just a friendship at least in feelings. Be prepared when she returns for some possible hanky panky between the two unless you put a stop to this now. Tell your husband that you are not going to put up with him contacting her and sending her stuff. If he continues leave him. I wouldn't put up with this for one minute. He is disrespecting you and it is not appropriate behavior for a married man in the United States or anywhere in the world.

Answer 7

Well it is normal for people to call other people hun and say l love ya as in friends or friends that feels more like family. With my family and friends we do that all the time. My husbands ex girlfriend and I are the greatest of friends and she tells that to both me and him all the time and we know that it's just that she cares for us. There are more then one kinds of love, love in friends, spouses, siblings and children. but in your case it sounds different if he's hiding it from you. If it is just the love as feeling more like siblings then friends then he wouldn't have a problem with letting you know about what he does and should include you in on it too with helping with preparing the care packages.

Answer 8

I have a male friend whom I've known for over thirty years. I do end my cards and emails to him "Love, Prairie Princess." But, my husband knows him, his wife knows me, we've gone out together as couples and alone together as friends for lunch or dinner...with our spouses knowledge and approval. We have nothing to hide.

Given the other things that your husband has done (sending expensive gifts, continuing to receive emails, being secretive about his actions), he's acting inappropriately and you have reason to be concerned.

Don't allow him to make you feel guilty or that you're imagining things. He would not accept similar behavior from you if the situation were reversed. Some things are universal, you aren't misunderstanding a thing.

Answer 9

Don't let him fool you. No it is not proper for a married man to tell another women he loves her or (love ya). Unless it is a relative. As far as buying her expensive gifts that is another warning sign. I would be careful if I were you. He is married to you and you deserve some respect here. How would he feel if he know you were telling another man I love ya. I don't think he would like it too much.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like there is something more going on then what your husband is telling you. You have to know in your heart that this relationship with his so called "very good female friend" is
just not right. You say that he wants to send her expensive things, well, if it were me, I would hit the ceiling. I would see an attorney if he doesn't stop all contact with her. Good Luck!