Give your opinion on these poems I have written?

Question

Suggestions, advice, critique, criticism...just please don't tell me they are "good" without an explanation. Thank you.

http://katiclysm.livejournal.com/4472.html

Answer 1

Some things are quite good, IMO. Overall, though, the collection is uneven.
OK, since you asked (and only since you asked), here goes:

"Cemetery"
Blood can't beat.
"Take off ....ground" is from a familiar song, and too Biblical for someone who professes to believe in life after death, only as a sort of reincarnation ("consciousness to consciousness, etc.)
The whole first poem has little meaning for me as I'm not a Jim M. fan, and also have a different theology altogether.

"Ice Cubes"
Sweet poem---wish you could find a more oblique way to say that the icecubes are "you and I." Too direct for a poem.

"Chills"
Fine-- a nice image.

"Driven"
Sounds slightly adolescent, bec. although I know you meant the person was driven (ie impelled) toward you, it also sounds like his mom might have dropped him off in her car.

"W. Block"
Very good, although I would like it better personalized....i.e.
"I try to read between the pores"

"Untitled"
I partic. like the way you write "leave" to dry as it gives the image of a thick page or "leaf" of an old book, which is absorbing the moisture from the memory.

"Daniel"
Loved the "creaks and cracks" and it rhyming so seamlessly with "axe."
Would love to hear the human hands *wield* mere metal, as that would go nicely and alliteratively with "wreck a wraith"
This poem really has good legs....I can put myself there in the woods, in a bar drinking good spruce beer (which I've never even heard of) I can smell the woods, I can hear the music of it....
This, I think, is one of the best of the lot.

"Love, Dad"
Very moving, although needs to be tightened up in a number of places.

"If I ever wrote..."
Just about perfect.

"Geography"
Don't get it. Plus anything that has buildings and planes immediately evokes 9/11.

"People in Love'
Don't know why, but somehow seems icky.
Can't figure out---sex? What? Doesn't seem like love.

"When my Heart..."
Especially loved this.... This is another "best one". Loved the surprise of the "tiny pulse in the tide".... Wonderful.

"October"
Good for all kinds of reasons...esp. thinking of "autumn years" or the "October' of all our lives, and not too heavy a hand with the fall imagery. Nice.

"Winter Water"
I shivered reading it. Love the bright beads....the water churning the sea through its chilly fingers.
[Has to be "its" because "it's" means "it is."]

Thank you so much for sharing these.

Answer 2

I agree with you on "The Cemetery." It has some nice "two-liners" that, alone, provoke thought, but it seems to be a hodgepodge of ideas you glued together without regard to direction. What's being said at the beginning doesn't completely correspond with what you're saying at the end.

I enjoy the shorter poems. I'm not much on "My Love," but "Untitled" says a great deal in just a few lines. It's one of those writings that sticks with you.

I wonder in "Love, Dad" if the memories and "junk" really are left to you. Maybe they're addressed to no one and everyone ... proof of existence and denial of part of what makes existence real (you).

"Only October can teach me" is beautiful. I didn't realize I had forgotten life has colors ... seems I've been living in shades of gray, etc. Your poem brought me a touch of yellows and pumpkin orange guts sliding between my fingers. It felt nice.

Thanks for sharing ...

Answer 3

I don't no your age but you write like you have a very old soul. I know it is probably impossible, but if you remember any of those lives, you should try that as a future subject. Or maybe the My dad, or the Conney island pieces are examples of your past lives, because they don't seem like you are the narrator, it looks like you are looking at these events from afar, much like the October/Halloween piece, you are just watching it come and go and not really participating in the vision. Over all the pieces are touching and I hope you continue your dream.

Answer 4

My favorite was "Love, Dad". However, it would scan better if you broke down the extended sentences into shorter forms. You could eliminate some of the "and" and "but" words.Use some ---dashes for emphasis and emotive power and i think you'll find a more natural rhythym. You are truly gifted and I hope you pursue a carreer in writing.

Answer 5

I am not being critical, my friend, but here's how I would 'edit' your poem: I have a Friend I turn to with my cares He gives me comfort when others turn away He has the answer to all my questions He always listens when I pray. I have a Friend I lean on when weary He holds me when I'm unable to stand He my strength in times of weakness He's the One Who guides with His Hand. Sweet Holy Spirit, speak to me Teach me all I need to know Sweet Holy Spirit, walk with me Lead me where You'd have me go. I have a Friend who helps my struggles He gives me courage to pass the tests He's my Saviour, my Rock of Salvation He's the One I love above all the rest. I am not a poet, but I humbly suggest the above revisions. God bless you deeply.

Answer 6

I love them! I like how you can make them short and they don't have to rhyme (as a sterotypical poem would). You can make them a story or a few lines and it still gets the point across. I love the one titled My Love about the ice cubes sticking together to last longer....very vivid imagery! Great job, keep it up!!

Answer 7

They are all very well written, I like this especially--

This spot was once a grove of trees, that spoke in creaks and cracks
“Lumber to build my tavern,” I said, and hushed them with my axe.

Its very reminiscant of Robert Frost.
good work.

Answer 8

macabre, very edgar allen poe like, very depressing you need to think about what your doing before you write it because it sinks into your soul, and that is all you have, would you trade eternity with the devil in fire, 2 law of thermal dynamics, there is a hell

Answer 9

i LOVE your poems defently publish them they're wounderful..........whoa great choice of words!

Answer 10

very dramatic but good.