Please help??My hubby gave me an ultimatium???

Question

To fix my emotional problems by myself in therapy or he will divorce me in 6 months.He says these problems are mine not his and if he new about them before he would have never have dated me let alone married me.I did go to a therapist and he told me there was not miracle cure for my problems that he thought 6 months would not be enough time for him to fix everything.Problems i have are intimacy issues and emotional that i cant seem to fix them or control so i often times have trouble relating to my hubby? I thought they would go away for good after i got married so i never told him.

Most of my problems stem from the severe relationship phobia i had starting with my first bf senior year.He became my first everything from kiss to well you know and he was experienced so he pretty much could talk me into anything.He got me pregnant then left me came back and left me again i was extremley depressed trying hard to hide it.I lost the baby at 5 months and things got worse.When i started college i through myself into school started making new friends and put that behind me so i thought.Virtually every relationship i had after with a bf's i ended before i got close .After about 5 yrs of this i made the decision to stop doing this because it was unhealthy and started seeing my husband.But when e got married and baby talk was brought up all my emotional problems came back?

Answer 1

Get over it, and do as he says !!

Answer 2

It appears your husband has adopted the attitude that some significant change is required.
That you view it as an ultimatum, shows that you were not motivated to do something without one.
First, the time limit is a good thing because it allows you set a specific goal.
Second, If this person cannot tell you that there will not be some improvement in 6 months find another therapist. If they are telling you it is not enough time,they are telling you that you are, 1. not able to be helped OR 2, he is not capable of helping you OR3, and worst that they will string you along at $ 175.00/hr. until you are broke. It helps them immensely and you ,not so much.

If you have identified that there are personal issues that require assistance ( and it appears you have) do as much as you can to understand the problem and get some specific direction for dealing with it. This must be done before you can begin to address any couple issues.
You have been given the time and opportunity work on your own issues. Take full advantage of it. Whether your time with your husband runs out or not is not really important. If you know that there is stuff which gets in the way of your having a loving relationship, work on it. You need that help regardless who you are with.
When you get some positive direction in dealing with your own issues THEN go back to husband and suggest it is his turn to join you in couples counseling. It is that point when you will find out how he feels about continuing.

Do Not accept that 6 months is not enough time. Be proactive and turn that corner. If your therapist cannot offer any help please find a competent one. I'm not saying that 6 months and one day is goodbye. I'm telling you that that is enough time for improvement.

We are not talking about a cure as if it an illness with a beginning and and end. You are seeking therapy to get some instruction on dealing with this issue. Make them do their job and give you some direction. You will then be able to go back and tell husband that you are working on a roadmap for life. I'll bet that is what he is looking for as well.

Answer 3

I suggest you talk to your husband about your past,you should start off fresh and honest with him.Maybe if he knew the truth he would better understand what your going through.Trust me your not the first person to ever go through what you been through,and it's no reason to throw away a relationship that you could be very happy in.Don't make your husband pay for something someone else did to you,that's not fair to him.Forget therapy tell him the truth,your therapy starts with yourself and being honest and letting the past stay where it should in the past. Therapy doesn't fix a broken heart,you have to decide if your going to carry this with you for the rest of your life.If you lose your husband over this, I doubt that you will ever be in a healthy relationship at all.So decide if you want to start a family and be happy,and you may find out that all men are not the same. I'm quite sure if you express your fears to your husband, he will have a better understanding and may be more patient with you since he will know why you feel the way you do.Try it what do you have to lose, your going to lose him if you keep going on the way you are.Start a family and give all the love to your baby,that you didn't have a chance to give to the one you lost,if you look at it like that,it could be a good thing.If he wants a family that tells me he's ready and will probably be a good dad, give him that chance.Good luck,I hope this helps.Believe me holding on to the past only ruins your future,keep that in mind.

Answer 4

Sounds like your husband has some problems of his own and you should tell him so. It's true that you should have told him about these problems you were having, because if you loved him enough to marry him, then you should have (theoretically) been able to tell him anything. BUT he should also be more understanding and realize that is easier said than done, and while it was hard, you finally did tell him because you love him. I think it is very cold and callous of him to tell you to fix it in 6 mos. or he will divorce you. If he really loves you, then he should be supportive and try to understand the feelings that are causing you to have problems, not give you an ultimatum that will hurt you even more and push you away still further. For a marriage to work, both people need to work on it, not just one. I know the problems started out as being only yours, but now that you are married, they are yours and his because they affect both of you. For you to truly fix this, he needs to stand by your side and show you that he will be there for you no matter what. That is the root of your intimacy issues anyway- the fact that you were in a serious relationship and your partner in that relationship did not stand by you. I know that is not your husband's fault, but if he wants your marriage to work, he needs to help you by being there for you- not by saying "fix it or I'm gone". The marriage vows say "for better and for worse, till death do us part". The bottom line is that these problems are now affecting your marriage, so they are his problems too. So in addition to your own personal therapy, maybe couples therapy is in order? I think it is a good idea, given his reaction to the situation.

Answer 5

Had some similar problems and we went to a therapist together. If there are singular issues with one or both of you, they will let you know. Your hubby may have some issues as well and maybe he doesn't see it. Tell him you'll agree to go but you want him to come along at least the first visit. Let the therapist see you two interact and they'll bring some things to light for both of you I'm sure.
It's hard to work on a relationship when you have unresolved issues with yourself. Your hubby may just find out he's got some things to tidy up on his end also. I highly doubt that "the issues" are all yours to bare alone.
Good luck.
With or without him, it would do you good to seek some help for your own sake. If he sees you committed to working on things, he will be more apt to partake in his share.

Answer 6

the fact that he's only giving you 6 months to "fix" this and he's not willing to help you through it speaks volumes. also he said that if he knew about these issues that he would have not even dated you. to me that says that he really doesn't love you. otherwise he would not treat you that way. he's going to divorce you in 6 months anyway so you might as well find a lawyer and get started on it now.

you can't put a time frame on how long it's going to take to get over something traumatic that happened you. i would advise you to go to counseling so that you can start to work on dealing with all of these issues and the new ones that are going to come from the end of your marriage. as far as your "husband", he is not the right man for you. give yourself a little time to figure out who you are before you dive into another relationship. you don't have to tell your life story to every guy you date. but if it starts to become serious then you should start telling him things. not everything all at once. start slow and see how he handles it. hopefully you will find a guy that is worthy of you and your love.

i hope everything works out for you.

Answer 7

Dear Athena S,
Don't despair there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going to your therapist and remember to be truthful and honest to your relationship; The therapist is correct 6 months isn't going to fix all so if he leaves that's on him. You need to start thinking about yourself and not worry about everyone else (you cannot control what others may do). A word to the wise, In time your improvement will come from within you and not from anyone else. Good luck and God bless you!

Answer 8

Honesty is the hardest but def the best policy. I wonder whether your husband knows 6 months is no where near enough and that's why he said it. He gets to leave easing his conscience that he gave you a chance. Sit him down give him a genuine apology and explanation of why you weren't up front in the first place but also explain that 6 months is not long enough but you will put 100% into sorting yourself out. If that doesn't work then he has already made his mind up leave and the 6 months ultimatum is rubbish and he gave up ages ago. Best of luck in your therapy.

Answer 9

You do need to see the therapist either way. You owe that to yourself. Ask him to go with you and let the therapist talk to him. He might just be scared because he doesn't understand. Talk to him and the therapist.
If he loves you he will work through it with you. If he divorces you then he didn't love you enough and as hard as it seems you will be able to pick up the pieces.
Don't rush in to a decision, you need to look at healing right now. He needs to deal with his issues as well.
Good luck!

Answer 10

Let me tel you from seven years of up close expeirence... The problem is him, not you. For better or worse means just that. If he is saying that now and you start jumping through hoops to keep him then he will only raise the bar. My husbandstarted doing the same thing to me and it got so far as commitment before I realized (and was validated by a therapist) it was him, not me. Make him understand that your in this together or not at all. Period.

Answer 11

Well your dishonesty in the beginning has caught up with you. Marriage is NOT the cure for emotional problems and your lucky he is STILL with you. I suggest you get into therapy and STAY until you get what you need. You need to do this, but not because of your hubby's ultimatum, but because if your going to have ANY healthy relationships in life, you MUST get help. You still may lose the hubby, but you would have gotten yourself healed and THATS more important. G'luck!