Why would a man want to have a wife and a mistress?

Question

Why would a man allow his mistress to live in his apartment while he is spending time with his wife trying to see if they have a future? Why would he want the mistress to hang on and be there, if he is really trying to go home?

When someone has a life that is so full of lies, how can they live? He lies to his wife and lies to the mistress. Why can't he just be honest with one of them and break free from all of this nonsense?

And then, if he spends time romancing both of them (flowers and romantic dinner for B-day), how does he feel about them? Why would he try to keep both women happy and both in his life?

Answer 1

Men like this have serious problems. There any number of reasons why they do this, although when I try to see their logic I am boggled. Some men just can't handle the concept of monogamy; they have to have variety. Others like the thrill of feeling like they are getting away with something. But what I really think it is, is that they want a "backup". This way, when they get into a fight with one or can't have sex with one or the other for whatever reason, they have someone else they can go to. I am reminded of a quote I once read that rings very true in this situation.

"Never make someone a priority, when all you are to them is an option."

Whatever the reasoning behind his behavior, it is not right and you should not settle for second best. And anyway, just the fact that he is cheating on his wife while he says he is trying to work things out with her should be a red flag in itself. That tells you that even if he were to leave her and be with you, he would almost certainly do the same thing to you that he did to her. Any way you look at this, it is not worth the time, the trouble, or the emotion invested. You obviously care about this man, but do yourself a favor and be done with him. He does not deserve your affection. I know it is hard, but believe me when I say you will be happier in the end. And I think you should tell his wife. She deserves to know what kind of pathetic excuse for a man she is trying to make it work with also. I really think it would be poetic justice for him to try to keep two women and end up losing both of them.

Answer 2

Ever heard the old ad ache... The grass is always greener on the other side? Well that's what's happening here. The sad thing is the man eventually will end up with NO ONE! AND ruin two lives. The mistress must think so low of herself that she sacrifices her own self worth to be second fiddle to the wife.
Marriage and Love take commitment and commitment means work and sacrifice. The man is NOT sacrifices. He is being selfish and providing for his own needs. If he truly wants to work things out. he should concentrate ONLY on his wife. If he doesn't he is NOT truly giving is his best shot. The Mistress is an unnecessary distraction.
When marriage vows were taken the man promised to love the wife until "death do us part" under ALL circumstances, not just when everything is good, and he's happy & satisfied.
You are not going to feel perfect and happy ALL the time. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. The man is being a SHLUP! If he can's be faithful to the wife, then he should let her go & NOT live in a committed relationship. That is the kindest thing to do.
Ever heard of do unto others?

Answer 3

Selfish
He isn't concerned with right or wrong or the feelings of others. He is concerned with the positive responses that he is getting from each relationship. He probably does not tell the wife anything about the mistress. He is having a blast, and if I thought I was a mistress I would ask myself this: What makes mistresses think that they will be able to change a man and make him monogamous over the long haul?

My answer would be that 99% of the time, men that do that will do it again, it doesn't matter to whom.

Answer 4

Some men have a hard time with being a "one woman type of guy" i think that whether you are the mistress or the wife, you need to approach him about it, because obviousy YOU know he has another woman, but does HE know that you know? confronting him will help alot. also, i know it sounds aweful, but if you think about it, what do you have agasint this other women? i know its completely nature to hate the mistress, or the wife, but to be honest, you both should focus all your anger on HIM.... 2 women fell in the love with the same man, completely normal, but the one man is playing you both...NOT normal. maybe you and this other woman should talk about it, dont put hate between you both, nether one of you has done anything to directly hurt the other... focus your anger on him no matter how much you love him, how much does he love you if he is doing this to you.

this is a diffciult situation, and there will be some aruging involoved, but i truly feel the only way to solve this problem is go to get everything all out in the open. some guys have more than one partner because they feel that one person cant give them whats missing in his heart... and those are things he needs to tell you, bc im sure your capbale of telling him, and those are issues that will help bring this to an end.



good luck...

Answer 5

He may not be able to deal with the guilt of hurting one them by rejecting her. He may be indecisive as to which person he'd rather spend all his time with. He may just feel no compulsion toward monogamy and is comfortable carrying on with two (or more?) relationships. Or any combination of the above mentioned. The lying is a result of his belief that they would not like or accept the truth of the matter. Try asking him about it in a non-confrontational manner and show no negative reaction to his answer. Press him on the issue but with a curious, happy tone to the conversation regardless of whether his answers make you feel angry or hurt. This is the best way to get to the truth of how he really feels. Men will often say what they think will create the least amount of emotional reaction. So any negative feedback on your part will discourage him from telling the truth. Hope you're a good actress. Good luck.

Answer 6

Because he's immature, selfish and emotionally incapable of committing to one person.

It sounds to me like you must be the "mistress", if so, I'm sorry. I understand your need to "rationalize" his actions, but you're giving him way too much credit. He's doing what he's doing because he "can". Only rarely does a married man leave his wife and family for his mistress.

You deserve far better than he is offering you (which is "zero"). Not only is he "legally" unavailable to you, he's emotionally unavailable also. Even if he were to leave his wife, is this really the type of person you want to spend your life with?

You are wasting far too much time speculating on his "reasons", they don't matter, and neither does he. You are allowing him to "use" you, it's that simple. He doesn't care about you or his wife, he only cares about "himself"!

Successful marriages are built on love and respect, the person you are describing doesn't know the first thing about either - move on!

Answer 7

This is a very good question with no real good answers. I have been married over 24 years, yet I have had over a dozen affairs over that same time period. With only one exception, everyone I had an affair with was married.

I am not sure if my personal experience relates directly to your question as everyone I was with over the years was also in a very strong relationship. For me, it was the excitement of some one new, the rush that comes from a young romance, and perhaps the fear that I am getting old and I am no longer attractive to others.

So, I guess any of those could be your answer, or it could be just an ego thing to have two woman so dedicated to you.

Answer 8

This is a man with no conscience, a cold and black heart, totally selfish......! Why would he stop the game? He's got the best of both worlds. If he were to be honest with either of you, he would no doubt lose one. He doesn't want that. he wants his cake and eat it, too..so-to-speak. Oh, it sounds like he's a master at it, too. Romance, flowers, he knows how to keep you HANGING ON drooling and competing to end up being "the one". Sorry to be the one who has to be so brutally honest with you........but, he will NEVER be honest at all! Have you ever heard of a person who lies so often that they believe their own lies? You not just have one, he also LIVES them.....I am the only one who will ever be honest with you out of this sad, sad triangle. If someone backs out, they will just be replaced. He will do this to his wife until she forces his hand,(which will not get him back!) finds out, and/or divorces his no good @##$$! YOU ARE BEING PLAYED in the most cruel way known to humankind....matters of the heart. Good luck to you. I hope you end up seeing beyond the bindness of "love". HE doesn' love either, not to treat you that way.

Answer 9

Some people can't make critical decisions like this. The ambivalence they feel tears them apart.
Others are just playing at relationship and simply want to get laid as often as possible with as many partners as possible. In addition, not everyone is monogamous, or can be.
I'd give him an ultimatum if I were you. I would also dig deeper to see how many lies you can uncover. If there is a boat full of them, he may be very poor material for a spouse.

Answer 10

The guy can't be alone....he is willing to do whatever he can to have both and try not to let the other one know about the other woman.
if you are involved with a man like this - you need to run, you'll be better off when you get away from this guy, no matter what. he only loves himself and doesn't really love either woman - he's making sure he has someone in his life if one of the relationships doesn't work out.