Please help me find out the mistakes and all. Also, you can say what you think about it.
No moist cloud covers an ever scorching sun
naked with fury it burns Saharan sands
hot and harsh winds blow intense and stun
who seeks water in midst of desert lands
The traveller finds desert unforgiving
he scours for pure waters many crave
in blistering winds that left none living
lost, he searches about his own grave
Into his open face dirty breezes throw
gasps heated by smokey fuming air
each breath carries many a debris flow
as currents his lungs can never bear
Gathering gales rain sand from the skies
dust showers pile many upon it unseen
Beneath dry barren layer the only life lies
he roams above unknowing and unkeen
For the tiniest drop thereforth he wanders
nothing to drink but dense clouds of dust
then occurs a mirage which halts meanders
he runs and it's blown away by a sudden gust
Much waves of the most waterless things
strike and vanish upon the falling sands
parched throat speaks no tongue nor sings
sunburns wither his tired legs and hands
Thirst forbids his further hopeless travels
with the frantic airborne sands flies time
quickens when wished slow, he unravels
urged on, it slows down into a snail in slime
His minds are whirled as he drowsily breathes
beaten, he sheds ashes upon the ground
rock crumbling he circles in endless wreathes
He is lost in the haziness of a grim mound
The flying sands hovered and passed
from nowhere a pristine rainforest appears
an Eden paradise by which he walks past
toward the desert's midst he disappears
2007-02-17 02:13:43 · 16 answers · asked by Cornesan 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
hi
really its gud .atleast i found it gud. its a poem not a story nd indeed a complete poem in itself.
gr8 work done frnd.
keep writing nd imagining......................
all the best!!!
2007-02-17 02:27:00 · answer #1 · answered by anika 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How about changing the last stanza from:
The flying sands hovered and passed
from nowhere a pristine rainforest appears
an Eden paradise by which he walks past
toward the desert's midst he disappears
TO:
The flying sands hovered and faded
from nowhere a pristine rainforest appears
an Eden paradise by which he passed
toward the desert's midst he disappears.
2007-02-17 02:26:38 · answer #2 · answered by Troides 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Awesome poem ,but a tad bit long. Youre not Longfellow yet, but keep trying!
2007-02-17 02:32:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well it's not bad but it isn't the best either. Try not to be choppy and don't make it look like a story.
2007-02-17 02:21:27 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some neat visuals but I agree with the others it does go on and on.
2007-02-17 02:28:38 · answer #5 · answered by kmv 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I loved it ,,ithought i was their . very similar to my style of writing poetry,it is in motion,as it does travel a little too far.But none the less,GOOD.Keep writing.
2007-02-17 02:31:53 · answer #6 · answered by patsy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Excellent, but quite long- winded... maybe cut out a few verses?!?
2007-02-17 02:22:30 · answer #7 · answered by Me! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A poem should be a poem not a story
2007-02-17 02:18:32 · answer #8 · answered by kalim h 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well,i appreciate you yoh!how it is possible i thing you can take more than two days to write this poem.It is too long but it has no understandable meaning.if you think to write another poem means please write it small.
2007-02-17 02:27:42 · answer #9 · answered by Sudheer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't like poems
2007-02-17 09:31:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋