I'm getting divorced from a controlling husband - why do I feel so sad?

Question

This is my second divorce. I married my second husband not even a year after my first divorce. I was insecure and I should have found out who I was before getting remarried. We have been married almost 13 years and I emotionally shut down after about 5 years. He is not the person who I fell in love with - I feel he misrepresented himself. He is controlling and not supportive of anything. He is a workaholic and valued his job and household duties over me. Why do I feel so sad - I'm choked with sadness. I'm almost 44 and this is happening again. I'm too old for this. Is it too much to ask for someone to love me for who I am and be supportive and real and not try and change me? I should feel so good for getting out, but I feel worthless and dead. I've asked if he wanted to go to counselling but he states all my mistakes and never admits his own. I could never really talk to him about my feelings. He would say I was making up my feelings to start a fight. I'm so sad.

Answer 1

Change is very difficult. Especially after 13 years. When someone is unhappy or in an abusive relationship, especially women it's hard to leave. Leaving requires you to be someone new -not that old person that dealt with the unhappiness and abuse.
Men have a much easier time dealing with it. (at least on the surface.)

You mentioned you'd made the mistake of marrying again too soon. This should be one of the main lessons you learn from this relationship. All relationships are stepping stones. Learn from it and move on with a pep in your step. Life IS better than what you've been dealing with.

Answer 2

hello madam

u might be feeling really low now i can understand ... but wat really happened was that after ur first marriage break up ... u have been little cautious and wanted to get the better thing .. but u become restless some where ... so mentally u had many more expectations then u have ought to have in any relationship ...

u wanted someone more supportive and loving then ur ex ... the present one was mostly pretending ... but ur condition wasn't in the state to reason the truth ... so i would say u have not done any mistake of any sort choosing him ... at that time it was one of best decisions u can make ... or else u would have been in depression ... there is something called "rebound" relationship that which is used to show ur ex that ur capable of more .. but it harms in long run ... it is after all human nature to make mistake

now that u have realized that u have ended up with wrong man and it is just emotional "black-hole" means no feelings coming in return it is in ur best interest to move out of it ... he may have felt he has done u a favor marrying u in first place so ...plz move on now ...

in life u have many other things to do then thinking abt ur spouse ... u too can get busy and do some social work ..since u break the marriage or not ur going to be alone ... i would say why divorce .... be away from each other and mind some other work ... as he might age he might require u more.. who knows u too might feel the same right !!! ... now u may not require a partner but ... future ...

i hope u have kids ... think abt it ... dont take decisions in haste ... u have suffered due it once ... but for god sake cool down daa ..

urs
swethanshu

Answer 3

You feel sad because you are ending a relationship. This is normal. There are also a lot of dreams and plans that are dead now. It sounds too as though the effects of the emotional abuse that you have suffered are setting it. You are doubting yoursself. You are blaming yourself. Here is what I would suggest having been there twice myself. The first time I went through the breakup I found the second guy right away. The second time I took some time to take care of me. I was a little older, a little wiser, I had 3 kids instead of 1 and left with less money. However, I stopped and got real clear about what I wanted in my next relationship. Honesty, friendship, love for me and my children, mutual goals, spirituality. I decided after a while that even if Mr. Right wasn't Mr. Right there he would be so worth waiting for. In the meantime I exercised at a gym where I met people, I joined a Church near my new apt., I went to school part time mostly for the interaction with other adults. I found myself reading a lot of books. Iyanla Vanzant wrote a great one called "In the Meantime" . I highly recommend it. This is your Meantime. I learned how to take care of me. I bought myself flowers when I wnted them, made myself dinners when the kids were with their father and took long baths. I had a goal that I would laugh atleast one good belly laugh a day. i found that people treat me better now because I treat myself better. At 39 I found the Love of My Life. He is everything I wanted in a partner and more (a chef). I know that I would not have appreciated him if I had met him before I did. I still tried to fix my ex thinking that would make me OK Now I know I am OK and I had to teach that to my self. Good Luck honey. Don't give up on you.

Answer 4

You made a poor choice when you were vulnerable, but it's not the end of the world. You are mourning the loss of an ideal. You married for life, to a man who was a fraud, and now it's ended. You can expect to visit all of the stages of grief from sadness to anger to apathy to finally letting go. That's ok.

Plus, you're thinking you're too old to start again. Well....I'm 43 and I divorced for the 3rd time last year. Very similar story to yours. I am a loser magnet...but that's ok. I have no intention of making the same mistakes again. I'd rather be single and enjoying my life and my kids than be unhappily married.

Take up a college course, or go out and just learn a new craft. You'll meet new people and get moving toward a new life. Then you can be happy with YOU. I'll bet it won't be but a year or so before Mr. Totally wonderful (vs Mr. Totally wacked) walks across your path.


Good luck!

Answer 5

Consider yourself lucky to be getting a divorce. There are many men out there who are very controlling & like to belittle their g/f's or wives, so that they will feel totally dependent on them. They feed off a woman's feelings of no self esteem, confidence, or feelings of self worth, because they know a woman is in a vulnerable state of mind. What you should have done in the past, isn't the issue, but today & tomorrow are what really matter. Controlling men are never wrong in their eyes. They get a lot of enjoyment out of blaming the woman for all that is wrong in a relationship, & when women feel so insecure, they let the man make them feel that way. Of course you're sad. You may have been looking for the good in this man & wanting to just be loved & cared for, you married this man. It's obvious, this man is not who you thought he was. When women are looking for love, they sometimes ignore all the red flags that pop up along the way. Others can see them but somehow some women can't or they just ignore them. Your feelings of worthlessness are the result of being married to a controlling man. Don't be sad, be happy that you will soon be rid of this man. Do yourself a big favor & don't enter into another relationship for a long time. You need time to heal & do a lot of soul searching. Look upon your coming divorce as the first day of the rest of your life. You need to ask yourself what you want to do with your life, & go for it. I have no doubt that you are a good person with a huge heart, who has so much to offer a man. Look back after the divorce, & chalk it up to lessons learned in life. You deserve better & you don't have to settle for second best ever again. It takes time to build up those feelings of self image, self confidence, & self worth, but it will happen once your heart is filled with happiness again. The right man is still out there & someday, he'll walk into your life & love you, cherish you, support you, respect you, listen to you & will be everything you're looking for & more. I wish you all the very best. I can tell that you're a strong person, perhaps stronger than you realize, & you're going to do just fine. Let the healing begin & use your faith to guide you each day. It'll get easier as each day goes by. One thought to leave you with: Don't let anyone use you for a doormat ever again. Be strong & keep your chin up!!! I wish you the very best.

Answer 6

The death of a marriage is a sad thing. You gave all those years of your life to this marriage and still it failed. Now you look back and can see where the mistakes were made. Hindsight is easy. Go to marriage counseling, set up the appointment, ask him to go, if he says no then go yourself anyway. You sound depressed and its a totally normal thing -change is never easy. Having a nice long talk with someone supportive will help. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

You answered your own question. You are sad because you wanted 'the supposed tos' you wanted the perfect marriage and life, but unfortunately you didn't have that. You emotionally attached to that dream, but you never achieved it. Fine, that's life. Try to get some counselling and move on, if this divorce is really happening and there's no hope. I hope you get the help you need. Good lucK!

Answer 8

Yep, you are a mess right now. I'm not even buying your description of things because it contradicts itself in lots of ways.

For example, you state he is contoling, but thensay he was a workaholic who valued his job and household duties "over you" (which I take to mean that your emotional needs were not being met--more on this later).

How was he trying to change you? This is key to advancing your claim that he was controling. I already know how you were trying to change him (you wanted him to stroke your ego, to make you feel special, to make you feel needed--you're a little needy, and I am wondering if you have self-esteem issues).

Wait, you say you feel "worthless". You DO have self-esteem issues. What makes a person "worth" anything? We know that society emphasizes certain accomplishments as having worth, but a lot of people who have acheived great things and by every outward measure of success have had (and in some cases were driven by) those same feelings.

In the end..., you, me, and the bum on the corner measure out success relevant to how we handle the things that come into our daily lives. So there is the key: handle things in your daily life, take advantage of opportunities that present themself, and stop worrying about abstract ideas of worth and value while you neglect dealing with the things you can do something about.

If you spend all of your time trying to control things beyond your control, you're going to neglect the things you can do something about, and you are going to miss out on the feelings of accomplishment that come from doing some of the most mundane things. If you seek self-worth in the admiration of others, they are always going to let you down, and your self-worth is going to come crashing down.

This is the mistake you have been making according to your own description: your self-worth is based on the praise, approval and affection of others. That's not healthy, and you are going to keep going down the same path and hooking up with people who flatter you, and then being disappointed when they get tired of the daily grind of trying to pump up your ego while ignoring the simple things and simple joys life has to offer.

Answer 9

Change can be tough and you are in for some changes ! If I could give you any advice I would tell you to start an exercise program immediately. Walk, Run, Lift weights, Yoga, anything to get your blood flowing-Do that and you will feel better faster ! Take Care and keep your chin up!

Answer 10

men are good at pointing out our mistakes you should know that by now.do you plan on marriage again?I ask this because you said you have been married 2 times,marrage is hard it isnt always perfect i have been married for a long time now and yes he can be unsupportive,not understanding always underminding even to the point of just plain making fun of me but he isnt abuseive just controlling and i have been working on that i guess what im trying to say is somtimes you just have to stick it out you loved him enough to marry him you might want to try you know to death do us part just remember you are 44 do you really want to start all over you already im sure have this one almost house broken