This is a complex question so bear with me. I am married, late 20s and I love my wife sincerely. However, since childhood I have been prfoundly gender dysphoric. Despite fighting these inclincations I cannot make myself happy in a male social role. I have tried to find a compromise by dressing occassionally in private. This is not a fetishistic behaviour, it is simply a means of palliating my dysphoria.
Predictably I guess, my wife found some of my clothes and after a heart to heart, with some tears, accepted that this is part of who I am. She does not want to force me to give it up, I think she realises I can not. However, although she never commented on my shaved legs for years, she now gets really upset about the fact that I do shave my legs and insists I stop that.
I want to make her happy, my love for her is sincere but I cannot pretend I am not me either and denying that part of me simply worsens the dysphoria.
My question is, what should I do about this?
2007-02-17 01:30:40 · 13 answers · asked by KR 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
What is stronger? Your love for your wife or your dyshoria? Answer that and you are well on your way to knowing what to do. Surely a marriage is more important than dressing up, no matter how nice it may be.
2007-02-17 01:36:22 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really have gender identity disorder, then you know that the feelings are only going to get worse over time, and that you will never be happy as a male. I would recommend talking to a therapist who specalizes in gender issues. It is possible that you are simple a crossdresser or something, but since it has no erotic component it is doubtful, most likely you are a transsexual. Understand that most marriages don't survive something like this, but if you and your wife both try very hard it may be able to work out. I wish you the best, and hope it works out.
2007-02-17 09:41:05 · answer #2 · answered by elvishbard 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can empathise with this. There certainly is no easy answer. For some reasons, sincere questionslike this always evoke bigotry and biblical reference ... why? I must say the other answers are wonderfully sympathetic and it reassures me to know there are still understanding people in the world.
All I can say is, be open and honest with your wife. You sound sincere, she will be frightened and confused too. Counselling is a good idea. If you really are transsexual, it will not go away, however much you want it to. Be sure of that much. However, how you deal with those feelings is up to you.
2007-02-17 10:13:08 · answer #3 · answered by Philippa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
palliating and dysphoria.....lets look at the meaning of each word.
palliate : to lessen without curing; to hide ;conceal
dysphoria : a condition characterized by restlessness,mental discomfort,and general unhappiness. Now bear with me.....
I see something that you have been hiding and it has made you quite uncomfortable trying to conceal it. When your wife found the clothes, there was the heart to heart talk, tears and she accepted this as part of who you are ..... confession eased your discomfort and I'm sure....made you happier..Well....simply by the shaved legs shows she has "not accepted "it. What was once yours has now become hers ....she will try to hide it ...she will suffer the mental discomfort . You are in your late twenty's and have not yet even begun to live life....my theory is that one has to be happy with themselves before they can make anyone else happy. Maybe the conversation before was one-sided...in your favor so to speak. If you truly love your wife and want to make her happy....and yourself......try discussing it with her again....find out why she feels the way she does about it. It certainly can't hurt....good luck to both of you.
2007-02-17 11:59:31 · answer #4 · answered by Blondie B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although she never commented on your shaved legs for years it is bothering her now. The reason is because she made a connection and she is uncomfortable with the new things she found out about you. She is probably afraid that you are going to leave her for a man. If you want to stay with her and you are still attracted to her, you need to make sure she believes it.
I think you need to talk to a counselor to figure out why you are led to dress in womens clothes in private. Clothes are just artifacts. They don't define you.
If you have an interest in typical women's activities maybe you would like to take up a "feminine" hobby such as cross stitch. This would allow you to express your feminine side in a productive way. You need to be able to be yourself, but sometimes we have to find new ways to be ourselves.
2007-02-17 13:12:11 · answer #5 · answered by UFO 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only advice I can offer is seek counselling. Don't promise your wife anything that you can't achieve. I have tried not to dress in the past and got rid of all female clothing. It still crept back into my life. I don't know your situation and don't doubt you love your wife but professional help is probably best. It may be something you can put aside, it may be something that is with you for the remainder of your life. Its a hard decision that can't be explained easily and I wish you both all the best whatever happens. xx
2007-02-17 09:44:28 · answer #6 · answered by tara_365 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Find a therapist that specializes in gender issues and go together & separate to work on meshing your gender expression with your marriage. It isn't going to be an easy task, but a therapist can be a great help. They can work on helping you two work out any problems that come up and be some one to go to individually to work on certain problems that each of you will have. The marriage might be savable, but it might not. If you two want to save it, it will need a lot of work.
2007-02-18 01:08:55 · answer #7 · answered by carora13 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The most obvious advice is counseling that you do together with your wife. I'm not talking about counseling to "cure" your dysphoria, but to help you both better understand the whys, what fors, and how comes.
The second piece of advice I would give is one you've already started: communicate with love with your wife. Also encourage her to communicate her fears, doubts, and questions with you. Be patient and loving and let her know in small and big ways how much you love her and are IN love with her!
Good luck!
2007-02-17 09:43:52 · answer #8 · answered by Violet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do what makes you happy. You cannot be with someone who does not accept you as you are, no matter how deep the longevity and love run. Also, ignore Semper Fi 83, as he's obviously just a bigoted pawn in this Republican, homophobic, intolerent, unaccepting society.
2007-02-17 10:15:22 · answer #9 · answered by greenbuddha03 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is gonna hurt as the truth usually does,but you have to "BE YOURSELF",no matter what. I can tell that your feelings for her are genuine and the love is real,but it will never work out.You must ask yourself 2 questions,how do I intend to make her happy when I am not? How can I be true to her when I am not true to myself? Self-denial is self-destruction. You deserve to be yourself and if she won't let you experience that, then she must go.
2007-02-17 09:53:50 · answer #10 · answered by Sidetracked0260 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋