My step-son comes to stay with us all weekend every weekend. This morning we picked him up & he asked to get his mum a birthday card & present as it is her b'day tomorrow, he had even brought some money of his own. He is 6 years old. His relationship with his mum has always been fraught. So much so that he asked Santa for a new mum last Xmas. Lately though, as he has got older & easier for her to manage, things have started to change. Today has broken my heart. Am I wrong because of this? Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of not taking him to get her a card & present, and I put a brave face on in front of him. She's his mum & that is something I must always deal with no matter what she has done to him or what she has put us through with her drug abuse & disappearing acts when she didn't want him around. We thought she may want him back early tomorrow with it being her b'day but instead she has asked that we take him home just before bed-time - some mum! Am I wrong to be hurting?
2007-02-17 00:46:13 · 23 answers · asked by Poppie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Please don't be cruel in your answers... No-one know the full extent of our situation and what we go through for my step-son. His mum has put us through a living hell for over 4 years, my husband has been through a living hell since before my step-son was born, so please do not judge me...
2007-02-17 00:49:20 · update #1
Whilst I was writing this question, my husband came in from the garden where he is doing some DIY with a big chocolate love heart on a stick wrapped in shiny red foil. My step-son had just been to the shop with his friend to get some sweets and bought me this chocolate heart :) When my husband said 'i thought that money was from your mum' he answered 'whoops, I wanted to get this for Gem'... (I'm Gem by the way). He is my little angel and never ceases to make me smile, I love him so much.
We'll top his money back up so he can still get his mum what he wanted xx
2007-02-17 00:53:34 · update #2
lilac4u - The reason I refer to him as step-son and not son is because I once asked a question on Yahoo Answers about fathers rights because we were yet again going through a rough time with his mum and she had cut our access and i received a reply from a user that said there huge problem with my question was that I referred to him as my son. She told me I was not his mother and had no right to suggest I was or call him my son because he isn't - i was worried that again people would get the wrong impression if I called him my son. No matter where I am I always refer to him as my little boy, even to him. He always says to me: 'i'm glad your my step-mum gem cos your way cooler than a real mum, real mums are mean'. Bless him! He was our page boy on the wedding day, and to everyone I introduced him as my best friend, because he is. He's my angel, my best friend, my everything xx
Link to a picture of me and my best friend:
http://www.friendsreunited.co.uk/friendsreunited.asp?wci=photopage&
2007-02-17 02:27:54 · update #3
You are right to be upset as this is really painful. As you say though, she is his mum and there is still a strong connection. It sounds like you are being fab in supporting him and trying not to add distress to a difficult situation. You can't control what she does but you can support and encourage him. The presi sounds a lovely idea. I'm sure it will be fun for him to buy.
2007-02-17 00:50:51 · answer #1 · answered by MsCurious 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Gem, why is your heart breaking? This little guy has two mothers. Now his biological mother sounds like she is very self-absorbed right now, especially if she is abusing drugs. It goes with the territory. But you said it yourself.... "she's his mum." Kids are remarkable, in that they will go long periods of time trying to get the love they so desperately seek for one specific person, even if there is little promise that the love will be forthcoming any time soon, if at all.
He is a very lucky little boy that he has you to love him, and it's obvious he loves you very much too. The very best thing you can do is to be there for him with all that love, take him to get his mother a present (hold your head up, because it is the right thing) and let him know that he is the most wonderful child in the universe. He needs to hear and feel that. Kids often wonder what they did wrong for a parent (like his mum) to not give him the love they needs. You are filling that void for him and you are showing him he is loved for who he is. As time goes on, he is going to need that more and more from you.
The best case scenario? His mum will sober up and get her act together. Then maybe he will have two mothers who love him bunches. Time will tell if that will happen. In the meantime, you keep showing him what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. He needs that and so do you! Bless you all!
2007-02-24 21:20:11 · answer #2 · answered by Lioness 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In answer to your question, yes I do think you're wrong to be 'hurting'. The one most entitled to do so is that little boy caught between the grownups on both sides - which include you.
Why did Mum say take him home just before bed-time? Was she in fact respecting Dad's scheduled time with his son? Sounds to me like you might have misconstrued her attempts to keep the peace with Dad.
The comments you make about Mum may be competely accurate but to an outsider it isn't clear whether she is indeed a drug abuser and miscreant - and if she is, why the little boy is with her most of the time - or whether that's just a caricature. If the little lad is at risk and/or not being reasonably well cared for, his Dad should contact Social Services.
Rather than getting all upset, you and Dad can choose to make his life as happy, secure and stable as possible in all the parts of it you can influence. He's only 6 years old, you have many more years of this ahead of you - for his sake, make them good ones. Please.
2007-02-17 01:44:09 · answer #3 · answered by Denzel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I understand you be hurt. Despite your feelings, have u ever thought about your step sons' feeling even if he is only 6? How is it to grow up with divorced parents and feel unwanted? He mite be young, but he knows whats goin on and loves his mother. It doesnt make him not love you. Because you are better off than his mom, therefore, he feels no need to show his love to you. He is bothered with his mom. She is a single mother with problems, going through divorce, drugs abuse, and child care. That is frustrating. Reach out and help her to get back on her feet. Continue to do the right thing despite that she has problems. Take the initiative to talk to her instead excluding her in yall's life. You might be used by God to help her start a change of life. Do not be discouraged. It takes a very brave person to help. I hope i helped, and i ask you to get over your hurts. Make a difference.
2007-02-17 01:14:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is so sad but you do know that you need to take him to get a card/present. This is because even though she is scum who doesnt deserve a card let alone a son, she is still his mum.
Is there anyway that you and your partner could get full custody of the boy as it sounds like she only wants him for the child benefit and he would be better looked after with yourselves.
The person who lives up the stairs from me gets rid of her child every weekend so her and her boyfriend can drink, take drugs and fight all weekend. Even when she has her child at home she has loud sex (that we can hear downstairs, so imagine it in the next room) with several different partners. I dont know what I can do about this?
It seems like drug addicts and scum never have a problem falling pregnant despite what crap they put in their body's and people who take care of themselves practically bankcrupt themselves through IVF and adoption.
Good luck xx
2007-02-17 00:57:48 · answer #5 · answered by Lady Claire - Hates Bigotry 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your only human of course things like this are going to upset you i'd be worried if it didn't upset you. All you can do is be there for your stepson he may someday decide that he would rather live with you than his biological mum. His bio mum sounds horrible and you sound nice so your doing the right thing, take him to get a present he'll love you for it and things will eventually work out for the best, he is really lucky to have you :o)
2007-02-17 00:55:34 · answer #6 · answered by ✿Regina Felangie✿ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
U got the greatest present of ur life, friend. and why are u still hurt? she may be the biological mother, but u r his MOTHER!! his real mother and u r the luckiest thing that ever happened to him. u r not a step mum to him, but his mom. so stop calling him step son and start calling him ur son. believe me, not many people will be able to stand what u have gone through. iin many cases, after the divorce, the kids get estranged from their parents and have a strained relations with their step parets . luckily, this has not been the case with ur son and u. u bonded prefectly. but there is one thing. this guy has always longed for the love of his real mother. there is nothing more terrible than to lose thellove of ones mother. ur kid has gone through that. now as he gets older and the chances of improving his relations with his mother are brighter, dont u thnik u should feel happy abt it. he loves u, cares for ur love and considers u his own. still ,he is only 6 and somewhere in his little heart, his pining for his real mothers love might be aching him. even though u have asked this question, i am sure taht u will do everything to ensure his normal relationship with his mother. it cant be otherwise, from what u have written here. friend, what u have done is a great thing and he will always love u for that. he wants his mothers love too, but he will never go away from u. it is perfectly normal to feel hurt, but u can be at ease to know that it will only improve ur relations with ur son. if u help him in getting closer to his own mother, u will only rise higher in his estimation of u. so be happy always. god bless you.
ps. hello friend, i read ur note addressed to me. i never had any intention of hurting you. only that the word stepson sounded somewhat formal, considering the very deep relation ur little angel and u share. hope u r not offended. i napologize if i have hurt ur feelings in any way. have a nice day
2007-02-17 02:08:04 · answer #7 · answered by lilac4u 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No, not at all, I think you are feeling his pain, more than he is. You have to remember though, she is his mum and will be his mum for ever no matter what she puts him through, he will always love her. That's just the way of the world. She does sound like a crap mum though. I'd be hurting just the same
2007-02-17 00:52:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not wrong - infact I think it shows how much you care for this child and the pain he has had to endure because of his mom. I think you are doing the best you can do and you must believe this - even though things are difficult for you, you are still opting to do the right thing. Even though his mom doesnt give seem to give him the love and support he deserves, you still respect that it's still his mom at the end of the day and no one and nothing will change that. I admire your courage - carry on being brave for this child. You're doing well :)
2007-02-23 01:01:55 · answer #9 · answered by Layla 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was the child in this situation. I feel terrible for you, unfortunately, she's always gonna be the hero. He'll probably begin to appreciate you guys more after something horrible happens to her{as in my case} or when he grows up.All you can do is know that you're doing the best you can and when he's old enough, he will understand.Luckily for him she seems to deal better with older children so it might be a bit tougher for you, but try to be happy for him when she is doing well, and be there for him when she's not.Anyway it sounds like you're doing a good job, best of luck.
2007-02-17 01:00:35 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋