My husband and I have been married for 18 years. Through it all, I have supported him changing jobs, and we have moved throughout the US. He was in the military, so he deployed often leaving me to take care of our house and daughter. I feel as though he was hardly around. When things were good, they were great between us.
Over the past 2 years, everything has changed. He had an affair for nearly 2 years and couldn't break things off with her. I thought our love could survive anything and we have been hanging on and have been trying.
I recently realized that we have changed a lot. We no longer have the desire to be intimate, but we have the desire to be together. When our daughter graduates, I want to travel the world. He just wants to move somewhere warm and not have to leave the house.
It is hard for us to decide what to do because we do love each other and have been through so much together.
2007-02-16 23:44:35 · 23 answers · asked by blue eyes 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sometimes lovers become friends, there's no harm in that... He walked away first, you were a support network of two so now all that's left is friendship and ashes. You both want different things out of life now and there's no harm in that either, people grow... not just up...sometimes together, sometimes apart. A life altering decision involves 3 of you...to resolve it you each need to participate and have your say if the final decision is a parting of the ways... then at least there won't be any lingering questions or finger pointing. If you can come up with compromises and stick to them in order to stick together, then you'll have reached a higher level of understanding with each other and could end up living the rest of your years in wedded bliss.
close your eyes... and remember who you were 18 years ago... when you said "I do" and when he was 18 years younger and said "I do" what were your expectations then? have they changed? Communication is such a huge part of a relationship when it first gets underway... It's a shame most people forget that it's the MOST important part of a relationship... especially when one or the other begins to doubt...
Marriage is like holding hands in the ocean 100 yards from shore... as wave after wave of life washes over you...some waves are small and hardly budge you... some are a little stronger and force you to tighten your grasp... and yet others are strong enough to make your grip on each other break. It takes devotion and determination to reconnect. And yet sometimes... the BIG BIG waves have come so often... you just...don't...have...the...energy... to reconnect. only YOU can decide if that's where you're at... I wish you all the best...
Whatevere you decide...it WILL be the best decision... TRUST yourself.
2007-02-17 00:29:42 · answer #1 · answered by alex b 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Life is tough for everyone and I must say that you really love this man!!!! Have you forgotten and forgiven him completely????
Sometimes we grow in differents ways and that doesn't mean that we will always grow together in the same direction.
The desire to stay together is because neither one of you want to make the big change and that means that you and him are afraid to experience other situations in life. I would suggest that when your daughter graduates I would travel not with him but alone or with a friend. I think that you are confused and sincerely the feeling that I get is that he doesn't really care for what you want and feel.
He did the travelling while he was in the military and now has the desire to stay all day on a beach????. I think it is quite boring and you should go out there and see the world. May-be you need to make the change and I know it can be hard but there are times that we need to make that change and enjoy life again.
However, you have been and you are a wonderful wife but I think that you deserve much more than taking what is left over from a relationship. Travel if you can, you deserve it 100%!!!!!
By the way the reason you don't have any desire to be intimate is because that affair that he had in the past and that he couldn't break off still hurts!!!!!!! You have lost the respect for this man especially in a situation tha he was involved emotionally. It is something that you do NOT forget!!!!!!!! Hope things work out for the best and I sincerely wish you to find that happiness that we are all looking for. By the way let me know if you will come to Italy, I can help you out with info etc.....
2007-02-17 08:04:46 · answer #2 · answered by marque1717 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look back far into the beginning. What was it like back then that brought the two of you together? Its a sacrifice for you to marry a man in the military having to be left alone, you knew that, and still married him. Why? Find that answer and remind him.
18 years is a long time don't throw it away. Find common ground somewhere. Travel together for a year, while planning to find homes in warmer climates. A year of travel should be enough. After you have your new home you can still take vacations to see places. If your husband isn't interested in that take your daughter.
Make it work find something to do together. Maybe take dance lessons together. Tell him how you feel and that dancing might bring you closer. Cheek to cheek you might have an urge to be intimate.
Have you gone to marriage counseling? After an affair, you really should.
Good luck I wish you the best. It sounds like you both still really love each other, make it work somehow.
2007-02-17 08:30:57 · answer #3 · answered by Miss 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The trust, which is the core between a relationship has been broken and it's obvious. Sure you can still love someone, but various factors have made their way in between and you're wanting to pull apart. Ask yourself some simple questions..."If I were to leave, am I dependant upon his income and financial security to make it on my own?" if you answer no, then you're not in this marriage for the money. Then ask yourself, "Even if there had been no affair, would we still have the same dreams and wants?" If you answer no, then you've moved apart from the other in what is important to you...
Do you get what I'm trying to say here? It sounds like you put everything you could into this relationship when your husband was away, tried to forgive him with his infidelity and have been there for him and your daughter, but have lost sight of what truly is important or of value to you...
Good luck in your new venture!
2007-02-17 08:03:07 · answer #4 · answered by Serendipity 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you will regret it if you do. I was in my first marriage 17 years and had 2 children. It was a horrible mess. Even though I got verbally abused in the marriage - I should have stayed.
Your marriage seems good - and you are still working through the affair. That takes time. I was in the same situation there too and chose to forgive. 5 years later we divorced.
I think when the time comes you two can make some reasonable compomises regarding travel and home life.
2007-02-17 08:06:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a tough one. Hard to get past a two year affair, especially the part about him having a difficult time breaking things off with her. Now you are both more like friends and companions than lovers. I've never quite been in that situation. It's easy for me to say I'd be gone, but probably what I would do is give myself some serious time to think about what I want for my own life. I'd think about my own values. Maybe some time away from each other so you can collect your thoughts and get to thinking clearly about things would help you. Listen to your gut feeling as to what feels right for you.
2007-02-17 08:06:40 · answer #6 · answered by Laura Renee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How can you be sure you still love each other he having had an extramarital affair and not willing to comply to your desire of living for yourself now that your daughter has been brought up mostly under your care ? If he was truely loving you he should be happy to go traveling with you and have a new honeymoon trip.
Your husband looks selfish in my opinion just caring about his own self-being. It suited him right to have an affair notwithstanding your own suffering. Tell him you need to be number one by now and if he doesn't want it to be, start speaking of breaking up.
2007-02-17 08:01:30 · answer #7 · answered by Miss Bo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I walked away from a 19 year marriage, because my ex wouldn't change. It was hard, but, I did it. I found out after my divorce that he had been using drugs and having affairs, which deep down did not surprise me. The tables were turned though and since our divorce, not one thing has worked out for my ex. Call it Karma, but, I believe in being honest with your feelings and if you truly want to change your life, then leave. It could be the best gift you give yourself. Take care of you.
2007-02-17 07:54:15 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Life is too short to settle for things neither of you are interested in pursuing. Marriage is a great thing, but also meant to be shared by two people who want similar things, I guess the question is are you willing to give up what you want to save the marriage or are you done and need to move forward? Compromise is a great thing, counseling is also a good avenue for weeding out some confusion.
2007-02-17 08:18:17 · answer #9 · answered by spring ocean 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Change will happen, no matter what you do. The success of a relationship is the ability to accept this fact. One can either go with and accept these change(s) or move on to a more drastic option ( such as leaving the partner ) As the saying goes " The grass may be greener on the other side, but you still got to mow it".
2007-02-17 08:03:44 · answer #10 · answered by acedelux 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋