Experienced wives! please help me!?

Question

We just got married a year ago, I'm 21 and he's 22. We decided to start a family and started trying two months ago, and I didn't get pregnant, thank God. I just went back on birth control because of our current situation. Hubby and I moved to CT (where I'm from) when he lost his job in colorado because his dad's business went under. He found a union carpenter job with great pay and benefits out here. He got fired from this new job after one week for being late. I was supportive. He said "honey I won't let you down again," and the union said they'd get him another job, give him another chance, and he should call every couple of weeks until it started up.Well today he didn't call and I said "what gives" and he gave me a sheepish look and said he wasn't taking them up on the offer and that was that. "He doesn't want to be a carpenter" he says, he's going to do "work study" at college and told me to get a job and forget having a baby until he gets his associates in 1 1/2 years.

He didn't work for three months after losing the business hoping it would start up again, and now it's been two more months living with my parents, which equals five mos. total of just sitting around. Having a baby I know is out of the question, but what should I do? How would you feel? I'm feeling betrayed and kind of angry. Thank you for serious responses only. None of this kick him to the curb stuff, I think even a bad marriage deserves more than one year. I"m thinking of bartending.

p.s. he had a very well-paying job before and when we got married and we both wanted kids in our twenties and for me to stay home with them.

my question is- what the hell would you do in my situation?

thanks so much for all the positive answers! didn't expect to generate such a response...

Answer 1

Good for you for sticking in there, marriage is hard and this is one of those hard times. I think he has redecided that what he thought would be the responsible thing was not actually what he wanted to do for the rest of his life, he sounds like he is rethinking what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Carpentry is very hard work (and will wear out your body fast) He is thinking correctly and needs your support, yes get a job while he gets focused on his career, and it dosen't hurt for you to maybe go to school also, while your income is almost nothing you both will probably qualify to go for almost free, be sure to check with the financial aide dept. My husband started going to school LATE in life he is 45 and just now got his nursing license, so be happy your husband has figured this out at this young age. =) Good luck and you two have a long life ahead of you with this GOOD attitude.

Answer 2

My husband lost a job not long after we were married, and he was so depressed that it took him three months to start working again. I was angry with him, but I just worked extra to cover our bills until he was working again. If your husband was late for the job, and then decided to go with a different line of work entirely, it sounds like something was bothering him at the job that he wasn't telling you about. It might be that he was used to working for his dad and getting a little bit of special treatment, and when he started the new job, he was the new guy and that meant he got stuck with all the grunt work...basically, everything dirty, hard, or tedious that all the other guys didn't feel like doing. He might be too proud to tell you if that's what happened.

It doesn't sound like it's a very good time for you to start a family. Wait until your husband has a stable job and has been there for a while. You're pretty young...this would be a good time for you and your husband to have the romance part of the relationship...going out and doing all the stuff that you can't do when you have kids. Otherwise, you may feel like you've missed out on all the fun stuff once your kids are born. I was married for five years before I had my first child, and I wish I'd had longer to just be a couple. Having kids is a ton of work. It's also hard on a marriage...so wait until your financial situation is stable and you and your husband have worked out all the issues before you try it.

Good luck with everything...oh, and my best strategy for getting my husband to look for a better job or to start working again when he's had a lazy period is to tell him how confident I am in him, how I know he can do anything and how he's a really wonderful provider, and that I know we'll get through the "rough patch" together. Somehow it always gets him motivated.

Answer 3

I would say you need to talk to him. Let him know, that while you will be supportive of his decision to go to school, you cannot live with your parents forever. He could work a part-time job or even a full time job while attending classes. You decided to marry young, and while there is not really a problem with that, there are going to be some issues that will arise. Neither of you have a career, so that is one of the issues. I would definitely wait to have children until you are more stable. Sit him down and talk to him and explain what your fears are. I have been married 11yrs and was married at 22, had my first son at 23. No matter what anyone here says, there is no "magic" age that is right for marriage or kids. It's individual. My husband has always worked since day one, he's gone through a few jobs, but each time it's for something better. I have worked as well, only stopping due to both pregnancies for a while. A marriage is a union between two people, and sometimes you have to sacrifice for each other. If he really wants to go to school, support him, and then maybe go to school yourself. Talk about it with your husband. Communication is the key to any good marriage. I know how hard it can be, so good luck.

Answer 4

I would do EXACTLY what you did first. Go back on birthcontrol, very smart of you.
Second, because he is young but seems to not know what he wants to do with his life, he is also being lazy about it. If I were you and I didnt have a problem to go to work, I would do it. I would go to work make some money but I would also give him an ultimatum. You cant live with your parents forever. If he is just sitting around doing nothing and not even trying, this is when you say, if he doesnt straighten the act up employment wise and continues to freeload, then you will separate. Hard as it will be if you really stick to it and he wants to stay in the marriage he might get more serious.
Its a shame but you both are still young. You seem to have the better head on your shoulders, take matters into your own hands but when you do dont let him start living off you because he will only stay lax.
I hope he treats you well in all other aspects.
You will be a mother some day but its good that you know you shouldnt when everything is up in the air. Very frustrating but you can solve it.
Some people need to be shaken in order to get their act together.

Answer 5

Sweety, its for better or worse till death do you part! hope you've not let that pass too soon. Challenges are opportunities to sharpen our skills. The guy is just struggling financially, why give up on the man you love. Marriage is to complete each other not to compete with each other. Your husbands needs you now more than ever. Don't you think this whole situation could be hurting his ego and making him feels bad as a man too? Be a wife, support your husband, love him more, show respect and care. Let him know you're with him all the way.

You're not too young in that sense. You should be able to understand what marriage is all about. They are good times as well as bad times. If your bad times are starting too soon, don't freak out, its not a guarantee for future bad time. It will soon be over and then you'll have a story to tell. Thank God there's no baby yet, concentrate on what's at hand and be the best you can be for your husband now. He needs your love and support honey.

I understand you do have the right to be upset about your situation..but no matter what, give your marriage the chance it needs as completely as you can.. never give up. Winners never quit and quiters never win.

Be a great wife and ultimately an experience wife. Keep in mind that to be happy does not necessarily mean that everything is fine but rather than you've decided to look beyond the imperfections. It takes hard work to build up a lasting relationship. So, be ready to work, tolerate, love, respect and be patient with your sweetheart

Wish you the best!

Answer 6

You two need a plan. Bartending will make you money but avoid the temptation of those guys thathave their stuff together. You two got married very young. I got married at 30 and am on my 3rd kid at 38, and am a stay home mom. Just a little of assurance that you can wait to have kids. If i got married at 20 , i would be divorced probably with kids living at home again and scrambling for money cause i didnt have an education.
My advice, if you two love each other (which i think you do) is to support him in his career move. But make sure he sticks to it. Young marriages has alot of sacrifices that older marriges dont, so hang in there. In the meantime, since you are living at home - YOU GET AN EDUCATION TOO! like something in the medical field, some kind of tech, nurse so you can work in a hospital. They have great benefits. This way - god forbid he leaves due to too much pressure - you are set with a good job! Good Luck!

Answer 7

Its not a bad thing for anyone to go back to school. You should be proud of him to not just settle for any job,he is looking at the Big Picture. The future. Wife's and/ or Husbands have often pick up the ball to support, while the other one goes to school. However, he should have talk this out with you and made you part of the decision. Once that decision was made, then you both should have gone to your parents since you are living under their roof. Decisions should be made by all that's involved, so no one feels hurt or used. If he is able and could hold a couple of days at a what ever job, just to help out.so money wont be so tight and on one feels cheated. good luck in your marriage and life. You deserved all the good things that life has to offered.

Answer 8

Marriage is a partnership, one partner doesn't make a major
decision without talking it over with the other. That includes
having children, moving ot quitting work. Your husband is
not a partner. He is making decisions like he is still a single
person, and that just doesn't make for a good marriage.
He sounds really immature, deciding that he doesn't want
to be a carpenter, so you just have to suck it up and work
to support him. You aren't his mommy.... if he is that
unhappy with the career he chose earlier, he needs to
act like an adult and sit down and discuss this with you and
then the 2 of you make a decision that both of you can live
with. My husband decided after an on the job injury that he
didn't want to go back to that work, I can't blame him, as he
was pretty badly hurt and had 3 surgeries over a 4 year period
plus a lot of physical therapy. He was able to take advantage
of a retraining program thru Workman's Comp and went back
to school while doing his therapy. I did have to work extra during
this time, but it was a decision we made together and I knew
he had a goal in mind, after getting his BA in Business, he
got a job that he is really enjoying. What kind of work does
your husband think he will get training for? or is he just talking
about school with no set goal in mind? Like I said, he sounds
really immature, most guys mature a lot later than women, and
he sounds like he has a way to go. If he doesn't get the fact
that you are his partner, not his mommy, the marriage is in for
a lot of trouble. For one thing, be glad you haven't gotten pregnant yet, can you imagine having a baby, and then having to
work full-time to support this big kid you have married?

Answer 9

You have a full life ahead of you, don't do something you're not ready for, such as starting a family. Sounds like your husband has a lot of growing up to do, and is very lazy. I would set things straight with him, talk to him. I would also suggest that you DO find a job, just so you won't have to be dependent on just him. I don't know if bartending is the smart choice or not, but it's a job. I think a young woman bartending is an invitation to a lot of sexual harrassment and you need to be mature enough to handle that sort of thing. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

Do NOT have a baby with him. You are too young and he is too flaky!!! Wait 5 years!!!! Get your careers in place and let him grow up a little!

I repeat, do not have any babies with him. Wait 5 years...

P.S. Don't be a bartender, you will only meet a new man that you think is better (you are young and impressionable) .....and the grass is not greener on the other side! Work at a clothing store or an office job for money. Or, go to school and get a career and save money to move out of the parents house before you have a baby.