My wife refuses to be educated.?

Question

Am 44 years old; my wife is 37. We have two kids, 15 and 12. Our marriage has been OK, but starting about two years ago I started talking to her about her eventual return to the workforce (she was working when we met but has been a stay at home mom for the past 15.5 years). She told me that she did not have any plans until our youngest was a junior in high school.

Now, returning to the work force is a big step. My concern is that she should identify what she would like to do and acquire the skills she needs to get that job. I'm not asking her to go to work now, only to take steps so that when the time comes she is qualified to do more than minimium wage work. Of course, I would pay for any education that she would need, which could just be a class or two every semester.

She refuses. I now regret marrying her and see her as lacking ambition. She has time to take a class but prefers to watch TV, go to the gym and Starbucks. This is not what I expected. What can I do?

I am not asking her to go back to work now; just to get an education over the next couple years. I know our kids need her for another year or two, but to not take ANY steps until our youngest is a junior in high school? I think that is absurd. This issue is threatening to split us up because her mind is just being left behind. She is also computer-phobic; does not use the computer, nor know how to use it, AT ALL, and hates it. I see this as an unacceptable situation. I'm sorry, but it's like being married to a maid. We have had many arguments over this and she never does anything, not even the tiniest gesture. She has no college education, I am a lawyer, I deal with alot of complicated things and she does housework (very well) but just flat out refuses to see the logic in having a plan to return to work. It's important to me that she do this because I need her mind to be more engaging for me. She needs to know how to use a computer. I feel I'm being taken advantage of.

I'm not some jerk. I just expect my wife to have a desire to learn about new things, to pursue such things so we have something new to talk about. It is hard for me to understand how any intelligent person could forego an opportunity to acquire an education and prefer instead to use her free time (and she does have a lot of free time) to watch TV. I just don't understand it. It's disappointing.

Answer 1

Well I know alot of people will have strong opions about this question but I agree with you. Things are expensive today and she should work if she can. Not only for her benefits but for your retirement together. I am a mother who is attending school online. Maybe she could be this so she can still stay home with her kids. But really her kids are all grown up and there is no reason for mommy to be home. You never know she may like working after she starts. Look up University of Phoenix

If all else fails sit her down and tell her what your expectations are in your marriage. She deserves to know. IF she loves you maybe she will see that you are trying to help and not hurt her

Answer 2

And it took 15.5 yrs to find that out? you seem to be lacking something also.
For 15.5 yrs she had a job and that was raising your kids (and believe it or not that's a lot of work and a lot more than 7.5 hours a day).
When she's interested she'll go back. Once the kids are out of the house, she will feel lonely. She will probably work more for the company of people than for the money.
She might even try day care or something. The fact that she doesn't want to go to school could be a question of being shy or feeling inadequate. Your job is to be supportive. So she goes to the Gym and Starbucks is that such a bad thing.
Did you marry her because of all the money she might bring in or because you loved her.
I've seen a couple get a divorce over the exact same issue (and I still think he was wrong) but the worst is the kids have nothing to do with him because of the way he treated the wife.
Think long and hard of the consequences before you act.

Answer 3

I would approach this from a different angle than where you are currently coming from, which is a version of "I want you to change, so change, or I don't want you".

For example, will your salary and savings alone be able to pay for your kids' college education and your retirement? If yes, then you have a good income, and you don't need her to work. I would encourage her to pursue things that she is interested in, whether paid or volunteer, and then maybe you will start to think more highly of her. And maybe she will find a new interest and decide to pursue a career on her own.

However, if you need her to contribute to your finances for the kids' education and your retirement goals, then sit down with her (and a spreadsheet of your family's finances/budget) and have a discussion (not a lecture) about your family's finances. Discuss your goals and ask her for her goals for paying for the kids' college and how she wants to live in retirement. Then mesh your goals. Both of you will likely have to compromise (if you cannot, try marriage counseling). The answer may not be your wife needs to go to work. It may be you could move to a more affordable location, or adjust some of yours and hers spending habits.

I think if you take this logical and rational approach with her, she might come to her own conclusion that she should to go back to work.

All that said, there is something that needs to be pointed out to you:

Based on your post, it sounds like your wife is the primary caretaker of your children and you are the breadwinner. Is this correct? If so, it is called division of labor and your wife DOES work, she just doesn't get a paycheck.

Does she do all the cooking and cleaning, (or do you help)? Does she shuttle your kids around to all their activities? Does she organize your family's vacations? Does she do things to make your life easier and nicer (other than get a job)?

Do you feel that you do too much between working and helping with the family and that she doesn't pull her own weight in your relationship? Do you resent her "free time" when the kids are in school?

Do you appreciate what she does do for your family? Do you tell her you appreciate her? Do you tell her if you need her to help out more (other than get a job)?

Depending on how you answered those questions, you either need a reality check or you need to talk to your wife and consider getting marriage counseling.

Best wishes.

Answer 4

I will try my best not to sound unpleasant here. Your wife may be educated and "qualified" in ways that you are taking for granted. You may find yourself very surprised when she gets a job and your meals are not there, your laundry is never cleaned, the house is a wreck and you've missed some payments on your utilities or other bills. Before you got married did you tell her that you wouldn't love her anymore if she didn't return to the "workforce" when your youngest child turned [whatever age]? Of course not. You promised to love her and take care of her and she promised to love you and take care of you and your children. She's held up her part of the bargain and you should be much more appreciative than this "I regret marrying her" crapola!
HOWEVER- if you're the one doing all this then kick her slimy rear into gear. Tell her how you feel, honestly. Be blunt. Better yet, write it in a letter so that you don't leave anything out.

Answer 5

You are looking for an excuse to get out. After 15 1/2 years you decide you REGRET marrying her? Come on. She has done the job she chose over outside employment and that's maintaining the house and raising the kids. When the youngest is in high school and relatively independent then maybe she will want to reconsider what she wants to do. Your marriage is in trouble and I wonder if you are one of those people who stay with their spouse for the children's sakes. Instead of belittling her for not jumping on the offer that you made just sit her down and tell her that you are no longer satisfied with the marriage and you want to separate. You can still see your children as much as you like. Find your own way and let her find hers.

Answer 6

well, do you really need her to work? I mean, the man is the breadwinner (conventionally speaking, and its seems that if she is a stay at home, you must be conventional) and if you're doing OK yourself, then why does she need to work? If not, you should make yourself clear in telling her exactly what her not working will mean. That is: ? No second car, no gym membership, no extra $ for coffee...etc. But, I would caution that making remarks on the lines of, "I regret marrying her" is a little out there, esp. since you have been together so long.

Answer 7

If you're fine with a traditional sex life, then why taint her innocence with all the ugly perversions of the world? i just seem to think you are going to become bored with her sexually very soon judging by your comments of wanting something different. SO...I suggest you talk to her about it and explain your need to have variety instead of just the same ol' missonary position (which I am assuming is what you mean by traditonal) Start off with minute changes, like trying a few new positions, then work your way to oral...I think from there she should be pretty open to explore.l (assuming she gets that far in experimenting new things). Hope this helps :)

Answer 8

Your wife may be feeling a little pressure from you or maybe a little critisim. It's clear you are ready for her to get back to work. If you give her some time she may come to realize she wants more for herself, but she needs to get that for herself. Even in a marriage people change. Maybe you two can figure out how to support each other and grow together. Just remember the good qualities you both love about each other. I know it sounds odd but when a person doesnt feel good about something it may be difficult for them to get motivated it's easier to just stay inside.

Answer 9

At 15 & 12, this may not be the time for her to go to work. Teen years are actually the most important years for parents to be present when kids get home from school!

Answer 10

she's not lacking ambition...she's just scared to go back into the world.

I'm a mechanical engineer, I stopped working 10 years ago because I had my kids and wanted to raise them...I'm thinking about going back to work but so much has changed...I always worry about how to get back out there...I mean so much has changed in 10 years...and I'm too old to learn all the things I have to learn to get my job back...besides I'll be working with people younger than me and that scares me too.

Tell you what you can do...you can talk to her and see if she's lazy like you're saying or just afraid to go back to work.