Worried about my friends son.?

Question

My friend has just phoned me to tell me she has had a baby boy, and coz i am looking after her eldest son while her and her hubby are at hospital, her eldest has just broken down in tears about the whole thing, and says he hates his new brother already.

There have been alot of problems with my friends pregnancy which meant her being in and out of hospital for the last few months, which came as a shock to her eldest as he had never been seperated to her before.

He told me a few months age that he hated the baby, and it hadnt even been born yet!

Just wondering what you all think i can say to help him through it, coz we are all pretty close, and he talks to me alot about things. I dont want to say the wrong thing, but i need to know WHAT to say...any ideas?

The eldest son is 7 years old, and i have tried to tell his mum, but she doesnt semm to be interested because she has waited so long for this baby, and wants nothing to ruin it..she started trying 5 years ago, and only managed to concieve with fertility drugs.

Answer 1

It could be that your friends eldest son feels "hatred" towards his little baby brother because in his young mind he feels that baby is to blame for mum not being well and this has made him angry. Children cannot rationalise these feelings - he has clearly been worried for his mum and I expect his imagination has been running wild. Reassure him that his mum is fine and he has a beautiful baby brother to care for and get to know - to be honest, it could also be a bit of good old fashioned jealousy - a rival for mums attention!. I would try and keep things light hearted and upbeat. It may sound hard, but you can't pander too much - he has to accept he has a baby brother that needs lots of love and attention like he did when he was a baby!.

Answer 2

Try talking to him about how the baby is a real little boy just smaller. How the baby tried sooo hard to grow in Mommy's tummy that Mommy had to go to the hospital all those times. But now that the baby is here Mommy wont have to go all the time any more. Explain how the baby will grow and grow and pretty soon will be fun to play with. How he is the BIG BROTHER and what an important job that is.

He was probably justifiably upset about mom being in and out of the hospital and thinks that baby caused it. And I can see why he would think that. He needs to be shown how its not the baby's fault and how the baby will make his family happy. And how he will have a bigger role while Mom and Dad still love him and spend time with him.

I am sure this has been rough on this little boy and hopefully you can show him how to love his baby brother.

Answer 3

He probably feels it is his new brother's fault for her being in the hospital. He has never been away from his mother till all the hospital stays correct. Everything is going to be hard on him right now. He is not going to be getting his parents complete attention so make sure you let him know if he ever wants to talk you are there for him.

Now when his dad picks him up to go visit Mom at the hospital maybe suggest to Dad he gets him a little gift. Something small like hot-wheel or something he is interested in. And when he gets to the hospital make sure the Mother IS NOT holding the baby. The baby should be in the bassinet away from the mother when her older son comes in. The mother/father shouldn't push for him to meet his new brother. If he doesn't show any interest in the baby yet that is fine. He has to be the one to approach the baby. Make sure you let the parents know what he said and how he feels this way they NEVER leave him alone with the newborn.

Answer 4

You don't mention how old the eldest son is, but, the parents need to be informed. Especially if the boy is old enough to be left alone with the baby. Even if the parents are home, and the two are left in the same room together, trouble might happen. This boy might need special help. It's not unheard of that an older child will hurt a new arrival.
If you're worried enough to be here asking this question, then situation is not trivial. You have a responsibility to the boy, his parents and the new born.
Don't go this alone and in secret.

Answer 5

Empathize! Give voice to the feelings that he can't. Think about what he has gone through, first his mom has done nothing but want a "new" baby for most of his life and so there must be something wrong with him, he must not be good enough. Then she gets pregnant and he can't remember her EVER being that excited about him. Now she spends so much time away and everything is all about the new baby. True or not, that is what he sees and feels. Tell him you understand that and say these things out loud so that he can hear that you really understand him. "Tim, I know you must feel like your mom doesn't care about you anymore, maybe that you are not good enough? That is not true. Your mom was soooo happy when you were born and she thinks you are soooo fun and wonderful that she wanted another baby too. She wants you to have someone to talk to and play with and she wants you to know how much she loves you and wants you to feel that about the new baby. It is really hard, she has been sick and had to go to the hospital, I bet that was scary huh? You know, that wasn't the baby's fault. That little baby is so lucky to have a big brother like you, I don't think that there is a luckier baby in the whole world. I know that you feel mad at the baby and I know it feels like everything is the baby's fault but you will see that the baby is too little to cause trouble. He's too little to do anything but sleep, eat and poop. He will need lots of help to learn to do things like you can but you will always be your mom's first baby and you will always get to do the special stuff first for her. She has to wait a long time for that new baby to read her a story, but you can can't you. We'll go see mom (or call mom and you can tell her how you feel.)" Tell him bits and pieces of that over and over and hopefully mom will get it and help too.

Answer 6

bless, I can imagine and understand that he maybe feel a bit insecure and upset about there being a new arrival in the family. His mum needs to play a big part in this whether she wants to or not, Its great that she has now got the baby she longed for but she cant forget her son, as this will only make him feel un-wanted and un-loved and cause further problems. Her children should be loved and treated the same, its vital that her son meets his new baby brother asap as keeping them apart wil only make it harder for him to bond with the new baby. His mum needs to try and help him be involved, let him help bath and dress the baby and also make sure that he recieves individual attention from his mum and dad too. although I know with a new baby your time is more than often taken up by them but your friend and her husnad need to try and make sure their eldest son isnt left out. Giving him a little 'big brother ' present aswell as a new baby gift will help keep him feeling involved and equal with the baby. I am sure in time he will come round, if there are major problems then a doctor appointment should be made or chat to the health visitor for advice and support. There could be a under lying reason for this boy to feel so little towards his baby brother. good luck and support your friend as much as you can.

Answer 7

It sounds very much to me that this young child is frightened of chantge and who could blame him. He has seen his mother leaving the home to go to hospital etc., over the last few months. and cannot get a grip of the situation so to speak. Howabout if you were to buy him a special teddy or toy and say it is from his baby brother as he wants to be his best buddy so to speak. Explain to Mum what you have done . Of course when a child so young says Hate he does not have a full extent of the word but he is trying to tell you that he feels pushed out. Making him feel reassured with a present from his new baby may help him to feel reassured.....I certainly hope so....it will be a start for sure.

Answer 8

All children go through this, what his parents need to do is buy a present from the new baby, I brought my two children gold rings and said this is from the baby. I was a difficult time for my children a new partner and new baby. My children were the same did not want to be involved... But once they realised they could help feed and hold the baby they enjoyed it. Also I used to be feeding the baby and constantly talking to the other children so they don't feel left out. Also some visitors forget about the other children ask them to speak to them before picking up the new baby... All these little things help!!!

Answer 9

It's a tough one and it has obviously been a hard time for him. He's been scared and upset and probably resentful because his Mum's been ill and the baby has effectively 'taken her away from him' recently. Let him know that you understand how he feels and wht he feels that way. Kids feelings aren't wrong and it's a good thing that he has you to talk to. Let him talk and vocalise his feelings. Perhaps explain to him that it isn't the baby's fault that his Mum's been ill, and talk to him about all the fun he can have with his new brother - cuddling and helping to look after him now, and all the games they can play together when he's a bit bigger. Resentment of a new baby is really common in older siblings and almost all of them get over it very quickly. All the best of luck to you all.

Answer 10

I mysely am the new mother of a baby my daughter 7 is still holding out alittle but things are getting better after 7 years of being an only child he just needs to know he still matters if you let him "help" every once in awhile he will come around