Anyone felt alienated by their single nonparent friends during and after pregnancy?

Question

I'm 21 and 10 weeks along, and I have absolutely no friends that have children or are even trying. All of my girlfriends are freshly 21 or in the early-mid twenties and they are club & bar scene fanatics. I feel like I will lose touch with my closest girlfriends because we will no longer have many things in common. I'm sure I won't be interested to learn who has hooked up with whom the past weekend, and most likely my friends won't be excited to hear about how the baby is finally latching on or has settled into a nice sleeping schedule. Sure they will be there for me, but it just seems so nice to see two friends raise their babies together. Anyone have any advice or insight from previous experiences? Thank you guys:)

"You are having a baby. You cannot afford to be immature."

I'm sorry but nowhere in my question did I allude to myself having withdrawal from not going out and being a party girl. I personally have never been too keen on barhopping or getting smashed, lol. I appreciate all you guy's answers though, especially the ones that reflected your experiences in the matter and that truly answered what I was asking:)

Answer 1

You will lose touch with them. I was 22 when I had my first child and like you, none of my friends had kids or even thought about it. They're still more immature than you and you will find yourself changing and not wanting to be part of that group. Once you have this child and be the best mom on the planet, you wont care too much about your friends. They'll come around in a few years and just be patient, they really don't know the deal.

Join a mother-baby group in your area, I did and I still go with my 2.5 year old, and am 16 weeks pregnant with #2. You will find new friends with children and find you'll have a lot more in common with them. You'll always have your old friends, just in a different capacity. When they settle down and start having kids you'll click again. that's what happened with me and my friends. Once you have kids, your priorities change, but try and keep some sort of relationship with them together. Meet a few times a month for food or just for coffee..etc.
You may feel a little resentment and be hurt for the first little while, but you just have to understand that you're in a different place in your life than they are.
Will seem hard for a while, but they'll come around eventually.
Good luck and congrats on the baby, mama! :)

Answer 2

Your friends are immature. But, at 21, that's not a problem.

You are having a baby. You cannot afford to be immature.

In your situation, it's normal for you to "lose" these friends, simply because you're at very different maturity levels.

You need to recognize that it's not their job to care about your experience. As friends, you'd think they'd care. And, if they're good friends, they'll try. But, no, they won't be excited in the way that you are.

At 21, you're old enough to have a child, of course. But, in our society today, that's on the young side. This doesn't mean that you'll be a bad parent, but it means that in 2007, people at 21 are more focussed on clubbing and careers than babies.

My advice: let your friends know the big stuff (like "the baby is here"), but spare them the details (like latching or sleeping) unless they show an interest.

Get into a Mom's group. Your hospital may have a list of local clubs or groups.

Congrats.

Answer 3

My non-parent friends quickly became distant memories when I started my family. It can be lonely unless you don't mind only your baby for company. I found myself crying with loneliness every morning when my husband left for work. As soon as I started taking the baby out to the park, swimming and the dreaded baby groups I made new friends. Now the tables have turned, my children are no longer babies so my non-parent friends now have young babies that bore me!! What goes around comes around I guess (in a nice way I mean). A truly genuine friend will still be there for the girly chats and use your experience as practice for themselves. Good Luck

Answer 4

Having kids makes you meet new people. Plain and simple. You'll find that you don't have anything in common with your old (young) friends, that they don't have anything in common with you, and that you suddenly feel a void.

Most of our friends disappeared when we got married young. They all showed up excited to our wedding and 5 years later I haven't heard anything from them. I have 2 best girl friends from college...we've remained good friends even though I got married. Neither of them have kids. They're good enough to listen to me and I still relate to their problems. It's not the same though.

SO, I joined a local MOPS group (usually through churches, although it's not affiliated with any religion). It's been great! I met a younger mom than me, with a baby, and she lives right up the street. I've only known her for 4 months, but it feels like it's been a year already!

So, don't be dis-heartened that some friends may grow apart from you. That happends even without kids. Just make sure you have a support network in place and meet some young girls with babies. They're out there! I felt like everyone with a kid was 40 years old, but I'm 24 and met some people near my age.

Hang in there!

Answer 5

I agree that yes it changes your relationships especially when no one around you has kids. What you could do is go to Mommy Groups, like Mommy and Me, I don't know of any pregnancy support groups but ask your doc, they should know of some local ones. Once you get in touch with other pregnant or parenting people you won't feel so alone. Having children does isolate you from your "pack", it happened to me, but you will make new friends who will end up being better long term friendships..good luck and congrats!!

Answer 6

Of course!

It is hard being the only one in a group of close friends who has a child or is married, I had my first child 10 years ago and some of my best friends are not even in a serious relationship yet! I suggest you start networking (at church, playgroups, lamaze) to make new friends who share your mommy side while keeping your old friends for non-child related times. Don't worry, your old friends sooner or later will join the mommy club and as the veteran you will be there to greet them.

Answer 7

I am 21 and 28 weeks along, and I feel your pain! Before I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I had so many -mutual- friends, we went out practically every night and had a great time! Then we decided to move in together and we both just changed our ways of thinking, I became pregnant, we stopped going out, started focusing more on our careers(its nice not going to work hungover!) and grew up, in time we will be able to go out again, occasionally, and thats fine with us. However, we have fell off from our 'friends' completely, none of them even talk to us anymore, and that is little upsetting because, I guess they just figure we cant go party with them, so we can't be friends anymore? rude. My best friend doesn't even talk to me anymore, she calls every once in a while if she wants something, other than that, I don't hear from her. Its sad, but its life. Having my son will be well worth it.

Answer 8

Y ou have come to a crossroads in your life and you and your club friends really won't have much in common for quite a few years until they start to have children too. Join playgroups after the baby is born and make new friends who know and understand what you are experiencing. Your club friends will not want to listen to your baby stories, it will be the only thing your world revolves around and not what they want to hear.

Answer 9

To me, it sounds like you are going to be a good mom because you're willing to put all of that behind you. GOOD FOR YOU.

I wish I had something more positive to say, but very likely, you will no longer be friends with them. It won't neccesarily be a "I'm mad at you" thing.. it's just that your lives will be totally different. I had my first child at 16 and it's a little different then but still. Your friends will continue to be into the bar scene and you'll be onto the next phase of life- motherhood. There's nothing wrong with it. Enjoy it! You will make new friends... my husband calls them my mommy friends. :)

Answer 10

When my best friend got pregnant at 19, I was in college starting a life of clubs, parties, and being free. I felt bad that I was able to achieve my goals and dreams through my education while she was struggling with her children (she had another one during my 3rd year at college) so I wouldn't volunteer much information and didn't see her much. I didn't want to feel as though I were flaunting the life she didn't have. Well, that wasn't the best thing to do and she ended up feeling lonelier than ever. I quickly discovered that I preferred being wiht my friend and playing with her children more than the college party scene and that she was interested in my life and not jealous of it. If you have understanding, caring friends who truly are friends, they will be willing to go out with you and your child. You must realize, though, that while they still are able to hav fun, you can too! Parties aren't everything, and I think it's lots more fun to have a friend you can tell everything to than a friend you can drink everything with. My advice to you is to not be concerned about the friends who eventually disappear. They weren't real friends to begin with then. You can always develop new relationships with others. Have you thought of attending lamaze classes during your pregnancy or maybe after the baby is born, a mommy and me course where you can meet plenty of others who will be in your situation?