What can a punishment be for a 12 yr. old?

Question

She's had everything taken from her and is grounded to he room until further notice and she doesn't care.She's failing, swears, she won't clean and there will be nights where she won't come home and leaves us to sit there and wonder.

Answer 1

Hi, I want to start this conversation by stating nothing I say in this post in anyway is an indictment on your parenting skills. Our families are facing horrific odds in finding proper and affective disapline methods which will keep the balance of power needed between a child and his/her parent(s). We also have serious family issues which are not simple. Such as broken homes, parents with different parenting methods, blended families, adults who play favorites, extended famiiles are becoming non-existant, isolation is rampant-where adults are alone in the role of parent without any positive support, we have drug abuse and alcoholism, homes where both parents HAVE to work outside the home, and our government in an over zealous attempt to stop child abuse has removed parental authority in homes. We have T.V. shows depicting children who are smart alecs, who do not follow the family and household rules, who disrespect adult authority at school and in society at large, and this steady stream of information of dysfunctional and erroneous information of family dynamics in entering our childrens' brains on a daily basis. We have violent shows, video games, street gangs and drive by shootings. Our children face a world much more violent and dangerous than any past generation, and parents are stripped of power and left to find anwers on their own, often after the fact, after their child has become lost.

Children want to please their parents, they crave bounderies, crave stability, structure and want to look up to their parents. Children will act out when they do not get these needs met. The acting out is a cry for help, for assistance, for attention. Today, children are less mature at sixteen than our parents were, and our parents were less mature at sixteen than their parents were. This trend towards losing maturity is directly related to our youth having less responsibiliies, and less structure, stability, and respect for their elders.

Our parents and grandparents were often dealt with harshly, with physical disapline a way of life and expected. However, physical disapline is not an affective means to establishing the critical degree of respect between a child and parent which creates and maintains a proper relationship which enables the child and parent(s) to relate in healthy manners. Our parents and grandparents did not so much respect their parents but often feared them. While they did grow up more mature and able to get out into the world as adults at a younger age than todays children they often took disfunction and deep emotional scars which creates a cycle of parenting which repeats their own parents styles and/or abuse.

Physical disapline is simply an outdated method which does not have a place in todays world. In past gererations parents continued physical disapline well into teenage and even early twenties in situations where offspring stayed home on farms ect. However, as children grow bigger the level of physical contact also has to increase. The small backside smacks no longer are affective with older and larger children. Today, that level of physical contact is abuse and rightfully so. When a father has to resort to punching his children in the face or torso to get the message across, well that is abuse. These parents didn't develope different methods, just relied on the physical. We learn our parenting methods from our parents and so on and so forth. So, what do todays parents do to teach and lead their children while establishing and maintaning a level of respect? First by modeling positive behaviors and teaching skills of coping and disfusing tense situations. Children mirror their parents, it is as simple as that. Parents are the number one most powerfull influance in a child's life. This influance can lead to a well adjusted and happy child and later youth or can lead to a discontented, confused, angry and lost child who does not respect her parent. A child who is lost will attempt to get her needs met in negitive manners and this manifests itself in socially unacceptable behaviors.

This is not just a problem or fault of todays parents. Our entire society is at fault for our familys' lack of stability and structure. In our quest to initiate change in the level of child abuse in our society we have thrown out the baby with the bath water. In other words we have taken away parents power in disaplining their children and have not provided an alternative. Sure we have parenting classes, but these classes are often provided only after a child begins to show evidence of dysfunction and is already deeply troubled. We are too late in providing parents with the skills and education they need to keep their children safe, happy, heathy, and on the right course.

The first step is to educate our youth in proper and effective parenting methods. However, this is not so simple as our families are already in a cycle repeating how our parents were disaplined, their parents before them, and so on and so forth. How do we establish a level of education which targets and assists families before the cycle begins again? That is a question we, as a society must answer before to much more time has passed, as we are now throwing away our children; trying them as adults when this generation is much less mature at their ages than generations before them. This lack of maturity is a huge issue and it is due from the fragmentaion of our family units due to dual family income needs, broken homes due to divorce, lack of committment between the parents-ie: refusing to wed, which create a lack of supervision and inability to establish chores for children which teaches responsibility and matures them. For example: Children who babysit are much more prepared for parenthood than those who do not babysit while young; watching younger siblings teaches responsibility and coomittment to ones family. The list goes on and on regarding the types of things children can do to help them grow, mature and develpe strong habits of responsibility. Todays children lack lifes of substance by lacking any balance between play, reponsibility towards ones family, responsibility towards themselves, and responsibility towards society. We are instilling selfish behaviors and the need for instant gratification without giving back.

So, back to your question of what to do about a child who is now on the wrong tract. Well, the first step is evaluating the disapline methods used with this child and the family dynamics which encourages the child to wish to leave and go socialze elsewhere other than her own home. What is happening with her? Why is she acting out, what is she trying to tell you?

These questions are critical in finding a way to bring your child back to the path which is healthy and encourages proper growth and maturity. I encourage you to seek counseling and parenting courses. Proffessionals can assist you in this much more than anyone here can by offering many different ideas on how to punish her. This is not an issue of punishment but of finding what has gone wrong, and correcting it. Often parents wish to believe children acting out are doing so in a vaccumn or that it is all a certain friends fault who is influancing their child negitively.

No child lives in a vaccumm and it begins at home. The problem began at home and the solution begins at home. This is not an issue of fault, this is not about blame. It is about a troubled child and a parent who is deeply concerned and worried. That would be your daughter and you in this case. However, your question is one which is being asked across this nation and you are not alone in not knowing what to do or where to turn.

I strongly encourage you to talk with your daugher. When I say 'talk' I really mean "listen". Your child is trying to tell you something by her behavior, and the answer to your question lies in your really listening to her words and what she needs to say to you. Your daugher loves you and needs you despertly to listen to her. She is twelve so you can catch this early and ward off deeper and more serious troubles in the near future. Children deserve respect too. If we want our children to respect us we need to also respect them. We can't simply say "I am your parent so you will respect me". While it seems to make sense it won't work. Children have to have reason to respect parents, the same as parents need reason to respect their bossed, co-workers or spouse. Nobody can just demand respect and receive it. However, this is what we expect our children to do with us. To respect us regardless of how we behave or treat them. That is not workable any more than it would work for you if your husband demanded your respect yet failed to give you reason to do so. Worse, demanded respect while hitting or degrading you! I am not saying you are hitting or degrading your child, just using that as an example.

Listen, nobody here can give you what you and your child need. A professional can. Look for parenting classes and look for a counselor who you can feel confortable with. Remember that a counselor is not there to tell you what will make you feel good, but help get you to a place where real change can be created in how you and your child interact and how she views her family and society.

Your daugher is crying out and you obviously love her and want what is in her best interest. Remember, you can't be her friend. She has a friends, she needs parents too. Parents can't be their child's friend. As adults children and their parents can find a place of mutual respect and have good adult relationships,but not unless it was first established while in the teen years.

Well, I apologize for going on so long here. This issue is close to my heart. I raised eight children. They are grown now and doing well in their lives and we all have good, closely bonded relationships. However, I too had to seek out professional assistance when my children began acting out. My two boys spent time in Juvinile Hall before we got it right. It was my fault for failing them, more than their fault. I do know what you are going through and do because I have been there, done that.

I wish you all the best with your child and your family. Please consider seeking out professional help. Don't allow pride to get in the way of doing what is right for your child. Don't allow pride to destroy your child and her future. Right now our courts are throwing away our children by trying them as adults at ever younger ages. They are NOT adults and should not be treated as such but that is how our soiciety is dealing wiht its failare in taking away parental authority and not putting some alternative in place of what was taken away. Until we reach that middle ground we are faced with ever more troubled teens and throwing away our children. It is barbaric and unneccassary, but it is still our reality today. Don't let your child become a statistic of children thrown away by our troubled society.

Good luck and blessed be.

p.s. I read a couple of the responses and I have to comment on one subject which kept coming up. You and your child can't have an adult relationship. It is not OK for either of you to have yelling matches as one person seems to think is healthy interaction at this point. By all means listen to her. That is of vital importance. However, asking her to put herself in your place will not help this issue. She is a child and incapable of understanding your point of view as a mature adult parent. She does not have children, has no idea of how a parent feels for a child, is incapable of "putting herself in your shoes". You can explain to her how you feel, your worries, your fears, your love. One day when she is a parent she will relate and you can tell her a time will come when she will. However, until then she wonn't. She can have a glimmer of what you would feel if something horrid happened to her, and you can use other issues to show her comparisions but they are only pale comparisions. The closest she could come is thinking of what it may be like to lose you and even then she will have difficulty relating because children do not think in terms of mortality. Now, please remember her brain is not fully developed yet and it will be some time until it is. She is beginning that age of total self obsorbtion and will appear very selfish. It is up to you to model and mirror unselfish behavior. Just telling her she is being selfish will damage her self esteem. This age is normal for thinking she is the center of the world. She NEEDS reasurance that she is needed, loved, treasured and valued, but you are the parent and while you will listen to her and take her needs into consideration your job is to make the best decision for her and your family. As she begins to trust in your abilities to do just that, and knows she is valued, listened to and some of her desires will be met she will become ever increasingly respectful of you and will wish to please you. Also, if your home is not the place to disapline her where the heck should she be disaplined? It begins at home or it ends in juvinile hall jail/prison. It is our responsibility as parents to disapline and teach our children to the best of our abilities. It is our responsibility to assist our children in becoming healthy, happy, well adjusted, mature, responsible adults who can make a contribution to society. Our children are our future. Our children are our most valuable resource and the means in which we each attain a semblence of immortality. Each generation should be better off than the one which came before.

Answer 2

If you've taken everything away from her, grounded her forever and scream and yell all the time, why would she want to come home? She's reached puberty, that's the obvious explanation...whether or not she's ill behaved is largely dependant upon what you put into her in the first 7 years of her existance. If you had a calm, loving and peacefull household, it's not likely she'd be acting this way, though on rare occassions it still happens.
Try taking her to a prison during visitor's hours and let her talk to the inmates. She'll get a good taste of what awaits her if she continues on the path she's chosen; but it comes down to 'tough love'. You're going to eventually have to let go and have her take her lumps. Do it NOW before her acting up becomes her permanent, ingrained personality. We really don't need another unruly teeanger running the streets, now do we?

Answer 3

Children can become rebellious whiIe growing up sometimes, but they may be acting out frustrations, anger, etc. Having good communication with your daughter is so important. I personally think that your daughter's punishment is very harsh. I can see taking away the TV or something else, but by punishing her as you did, you caused her to rebel even more. You may have punished her many times over, for perhaps one thing she did wrong. Also, I do not think that any child should be grounded to their room. In the long run, they grow to hate their "space" & that only causes more problems, as you well know. You never said what your daughter did that she was punished so harshly, but I think you went way overboard. Now, matter were made worse & you are waiting & wondering. If you can't reach some type of impasse with your daughter, I suggest family counseling. We need to always leave the door open to our children & be there for them when they need to talk to us. Good luck & don't forget to hug & kiss your daughter each day. She'll return the love you give her.

Answer 4

first off talk to her . that means you speak she listens she speaks you listen and respect her as well .
next forget the grounding . home should not be a punishment.
when you talk to her expect some yelling and so on because i suspect you two have not talked really talked not lecture .
this may take some time but in time you will find out why she is having the troubles in school and be able to help her with them
tell her you love her and are proud of her many many many times . find examples of things she has done that are great .
go back to her time as a baby and mention every time you were thrilled with her. take a mental note of this for yourself as well.
explain to her that you dont tell her to be home at a certain time at night to be mean but intstead because you love her and want her to be safe . calmly ask her to trade places with you and think how she would feel . you can trade places with her.
you remember what its like to have a mom that says be home at such a time and its much earlier then all the other kids. so dont put her through that.
you two are at the point where she will run away soon if you dont change from punishment to letting her see your love. and respect for her.
which would you rather have a child you can punish or a child that is gone .
which would you rather have a child to punish or a child to understand and help.
its up to you . 12 is an age where they do know some things and can make senisble choices if you allow them too . one sensible choice if given as an option is talking to you and not having you bite there head off . i pray you do what i suggest as far to many kids are dead as a result of running off and who knows what happens after that but they dont return.

Answer 5

What does she do for spending money?
I give my daughters a set amount each month. It relies on the jobs they do (minor ones like unpacking the dishwasher, feeding the animals, etc). They have to tidy their rooms and make their own beds before they go to school.
I dock their money if they are rude to me or cheeky. I've never had one of my children swear at me. That is totally foreign. I would never allow that. But I do take away £5 if they are rude. Also, what on earth do you mean she won't come home?
Set some rules. You are home for your dinner and we will discuss your going out afterwards. That is totally unacceptable. Go and fetch her from wherever she is going. And of course, she should do her homework before she goes out.
at 12 years old your child should not be ruling you.

Answer 6

Spend time with her. Find something in common that you can do. Go out for a meal, etc. Just make it something that is conducive to communication & interaction.

See if you can't get her to trust you with the underlying problems that make her act the way she does.

Acting out is usually done so because of something else that is going on in the home.

If you feel that punishment is the only way to go then try to find a punishment that fits the "crime".

Um... why would you sit and wonder and not go get your kid... so it would embarass the pants off her.... you could always send the cops... but spending time and communicating with her is a better suggestion.

Answer 7

You need to work with a family counselor NOW, before this child does something to totally ruin her life. You may even have to include the police and other authorities in this; it sounds as if you have lost control of her, which means that, right now, you can no longer protect her from herself and others.

Please don't wait to seek and get help. She's too young to understand the consequences of her actions - so you really need to step up and take back the control, using whatever means you can find.

Don't let her become another "lost child"!

Answer 8

children live on emotions,, thats what they best understand at early ages.. taking everything from her and grounding her will only push her away from the real parents and into the hands of some stranger who shows little care or tries to show artificial care,,, dont ever give up giving love to kids.. saying direct NO to kids makes them like my parents dont understand me at all out of prejudice,,,the stronger u try to be the stronger they will have to be to cross u,, so be emotional with kids and they too will be the same with u,,,when u r sad be sad,, if u feel like crying cry,, if u show anger when u r sad or if u r daughter is late then they will do it more to hurt u ,,, cause they feel they have been hurt and u need to know what that feels like... there is no direct answer to this question u see.. its like a mix and match the best possible emotions to make u r child feel sorry.... not only angry....

Answer 9

sit her little butt down and talk to her. if this continues then you need to get her into some counseling and then contact the police and hospitals where you live to see where you can take her so she can see first hand what those kinds of behaviors can get her in life from people who have been through it. actions speak louder than words and she needs a little tough love to wake her up. hope this helps. good luck.

Answer 10

Your daughter is screaming for someone to notice her. You need to seek some counseling for her ASAP. Someone outside the family might be able to get to her since she is young. My niece just turned 13 in Aug and she is going through the same.

Answer 11

im twelve, but ive never been that bad. for this case i really think u shouldsit down and talk to her. tell her that u love her and dont want this to happen. if that doesnt work go with a threat ( military).