Departure
Feed your anger with more of your pills
And you don’t know how to feel
How to break this seal
Cuz all you feel is this numbness
And through the darkness of your mind
Specks of memories
Happy thoughts
You miss the days you left behind
Leaving for a better future everyday of your life
Looking back now
I can’t seem to help it somehow
Everything good is gone
And half the things you want to say disappear
And the other half you swallow away
The unhappiness
You’ve accumulated into something worse
Little Janie, it’s not so bad
You keep sinking in the shadows
Look up; see what you’re capable of
And I’m holding on to your flower
The one with hues of red and blue
You said they were your favourite
So I asked the store to save it
And hoping to see you again
I’m standing here at your grave
Wondering if it’ll ever be okay
Wondering how long to stay
Watching you go away again
Why’d you have to leave
Why’d you have to leave
Leaving me here to bleed.
2007-02-16 03:23:28 · 10 answers · asked by Jaded 7 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
Mmm well it's a lot better than the last one you put on answers (sorry I thought that was awful) so I guess you are improving, but you are writing with far too much cliche, most lines are predictable and it comes across boring. I think you have it in you to be good though if you keep practicing. Think about putting pictures in peoples heads... " And I'm holding on to your flower The ones with hues of red and blue You said they were your favourite... That's a very dull picture, you could definitely improve that line, your lines are too long in places, try to think short and biting, see if you can reduce this down so it has maximum meaning with the minimum amount of words. The subject has promise and if you are young and prepared to work on it you will get there. Also make sure you are reading a variety of great poetry to help you compare. all the best.
2007-02-16 08:31:03 · answer #1 · answered by Ma C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really like this a lot.. I have always been one for the intensely morbid artistic expression. You should register it at poetry.com, that way it is copy written, just in case you come out with a book later.
2007-02-16 11:26:18 · answer #2 · answered by Mizhani 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My one's better:
There was a young man called Mark,
Who was terribly scared of the dark.
After a couple of beers,
He confronted his fears,
And Quark lark stark bark cark.
2007-02-16 11:26:35 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Put it to music and you have a hit!
2007-02-16 11:26:14 · answer #4 · answered by Robert B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its beautiful I love it!
2007-02-16 11:29:09 · answer #5 · answered by 3milie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Do you need someone to talk to?
2007-02-16 11:26:25 · answer #6 · answered by Lewis 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's okay I guess.
2007-02-16 11:25:53 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great !
2007-02-16 11:26:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's good!
2007-02-16 11:26:39 · answer #9 · answered by Dobby The Great 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK
2007-02-16 11:26:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋