4 Month Old Starts Crying When Not Held?

Question

As soon as you pick her up and start walking around, everything is fine. She smiles, laughs. But as soon as you put her down, she starts crying and won't stop till you pick her up. From what I've seen, there are two answers:

1. You can't spoil a child. Keep holding her..
2. You are spoling her too much. Set her down and let her cry.

Both sides are extreme...To me, it seems there needs to be a balance. So what's the solution from some of you in the middle. How did you get through this time?

Answer 1

Well the middle ground is to a) use a baby carrier so you have your hands free or b) find something to amuse the baby such as a jolly jumper, swing, bouncer, exersaucer, gym, arch, toys, or even yes if it is a choice between this and your sanity TV/videos.

And I know it is cliche but this will pass soon. Soon she will be crawling/scooting/rolling/more easily grab things and able to entertain herself for short periods of time.

If she has good head control which usually happens at 4 months then you can use a backpack carrier and things like the jolly jumper (or whatever it's called in the US jumperoo?)

And it isn't true that if you don't force them to be independent they will be clingy. Lots of studies have proven that attachment parenting where you do carry them around almost all the time, and co sleep until they choose not to causes kids to be more independent. I know I rarely put my son down and now that he can walk and crawl he wants nothing to do with me. *lol* Except when it's time to feed.

Think about it this way:

If you are on a diet and you tell yourself no more chocolate (or whatever your favourite food is). And you don't have it in the house and you go without it for weeks how often do you think about chocolate. How often do you want it. Then one day you have some, how much do you eat?

Then let's say a different time you go to the day after Valentine's Day sale and you buy more chocolate than you could reasonably eat. It's in your closet for gifts, there is an open box or two. Sure at first you may eat a fair bit, but quickly you stop thinking about it all the time, you eat less of it, you may even get sick of it and not want it all together.

If you "fill up" your daughter's need for contact now then she won't need as much later. She won't feel that she has to test all the time to make sure you are there and will hold her. She knows you will. She knows every time she needs you there you are, so why test it? Does this mean you have to make yourself miserable NO. You need to find a balance that works for BOTH of you. Balance YOUR needs vs HER needs. Can I tell you what that balance is? Nope. I'm not you and I have never met your daughter.

Find the balance, find what works and you won't have a clingy child because of it. Can I guarantee at 9 months she'll walk away and rarely look back, no. Because she is her and my son is himself. But I do promise she will learn Independence and self-soothing in her own time, just as she learned to smile, and laugh, blow kisses and clap. Yes you need to provide opportunities to learn. Some AP mommas go too far and will never put their kids down even when their child wants to learn to crawl or play with that neat toy when they are 8, 9, or sometimes a year old. But if you take a balanced approach filling her up without wearing you out that will be the optimal thing for her and you and she will get there at the right time for her, rather than be clingy because of over-indulgence or under-attention.

Answer 2

Well when you think of it. This four month old, didn't start this all by her self. Most likely being a new mother comes with no set rules or guidelines, on how to and how not to. You have already seem that at four months, this baby, know what to do and how to do it to get your attention. I dint believe just stop and put down and walk away. No! You must do it slowly. Build up time and trust. Use your own instincts, to try and work it out. You will find out that you and you alone, can make the best decisions, when it comes to those most closely to you. There will be trial and error. It is OK to be a mother, that what we are called.

Answer 3

I believe that you cannot spoil a child before 6 months of age, because they are still learning who they can trust. However, it's just not possible to be able to hold her all of the time and get things done that need to be done.

What I found helped is that I kept her with me and in eyesight all the time. If I had to do the dishes, I put her in her infant seat on the floor right beside me and continued to talk to her so she knew I was still right there and interested in interacting with her. I also had a snugli to carry her around in when I had to do things like folding the laundry or tidying the living room.

Hope that helps a little.

Answer 4

This is a pretty common thing to happen at 4 months and you just need to roll with it. Remember that why her PHYSICAL needs may be met- she still has _emotional needs_ and you need to meet those as well. I disagree with the above poster. Your _4 month old_ IS NOT manipulating you and that's a pretty crappy thing to think about a little baby. Your 4 month old has needs and she needs you. Comfort her and help her through this. Do you have a baby sling? This is what saved us... I am able to bring my son around in it whenever he wants; he gets comforted and I still have my hands free to tend to my other kids etc.

Answer 5

I put her in a baby seat right next to me, at a level that she could see my face and I talked to her a lot. Also they are old enough to hold teething toys and teething cookies - and while I don't reccomend that all the time, it does seem to help.

Your child could well be teething - and when they are, they want more and more holding time. It's pretty painful for some babies.

Check the child's temperature, run your finger over his or her gums and see if yo can fel teeth getting ready to come through, invest in some baby oragel.

The diet could have changed as well - he or she could be hungrier than before. Is she drinking more bottles than previously? Have you started oatmeal yet? This may be a good time for that.

And sometimes, let her cry for 15 minutes, but also have something like a mobile going to get her attention.

She will grow out of it - and when she does, you'll miss that time.

Answer 6

You need to teach her how to enjoy herself without being held. Put her down and get down next to her and play with some toys. Sit her in a fun area where theres much to look at, pick up a feel. Help her to realize that there is more around her than you.

You cannot spoil a newborn, but you can make a child extremely dependent on your comforting. Picking her up every single time to calm her down teaches her that you are the only way she can remain calm and entertain. Its that cycle you're trying to break, not sitting her down and walking away and letting her scream her head off. Help her learn to interact with her world.

She doesnt want to be away from you, so dont put her down in another room and think she's going to go with it. She wants to be where you are. She can learn to do that by just being in the room and not in your arms.

Just teach her.

Answer 7

Let her cry it out, give her a few min to try and resolve the issue herself. If u run everytime she cries, she will eventually learn that hey....if i cry mommy will pick me up right away. By letting her cry for a few min on her own, she will eventually learn independance, im not saying let her cry for hours on end, but don;t always pick her up because that will be all she'll know and she will never want to leave your side.

Answer 8

You've got to start putting her down, letting her figure out to entertain herself. If not, you will always have that child clinging to you, 24/7. I'm sorry, but you're gonna haft to invest in some ear plugs and let her cry, giving her attention every 15-30 mins to let her know that you are still around. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 9

It sounds like she's spoiled but that's ok. I used to put my son in his car seat and take him around from room to room with me. That way when I was cooking, cleaning or whatever he was right there with me and I could talk to him. Most of the time it worked. If I was watching tv I would hold him and he would sit with me. Or I would put him in his swing alot of times. Especially when he started to wiggle out of his seat.

Answer 10

Do you have a bouncy chair?

She probably just needs some stimulation. It's fine to hold her..but she would be better off with a combination of stimulation from you holding her and walking around etc... and some toys/equipment made for that purpose.

When you hold her she is content because at that age babies find faces one of the most stimulating things. Plus she gets to feel the movement from you walking around, (which the chair can provide) and new things to see around the room (which a mirror, black and white toys etc..can provide).

Black and white toys with splashes of color are good at that age because of the contrast since their eyes aren't as developed yet.
And bouncy chairs were a savior for me.