language arts homework help?

Question

The business letter shown below contains two sentences (one in each
paragraph) which need to be re-written. Please choose one of these
sentences, explain why it doesn't "fit" in this type of letter, and provide
a replacement sentence. (Hint: The revision has nothing to do with grammar,
spelling, or punctuation - but instead has to do with the tone of the
letter.)




March 22, 2006


Dear Lester Bins:

I am writing in regard to the article "Stuck in Lodi Again: The Travels of a
Fortunate Son" published by The Speckled Hen in the November 2005 issue. In
the article, author Paul Zants claims that the song "Proud Mary" is a song
written by Ike and Tina Turner. This is one of the dumbest things ever
written. "Proud Mary" is a song that was covered by Ike and Tina Turner.
However, John Fogerty originally wrote the song.

While Ike and Tina Turner have made the song their own, John Fogerty is the
man! He deserves better than to be interviewed by someone who cannot even
conduct basic backg

background research. This is something that should be
corrected immediately.

Sincerely,
Manny Flores
Manny Flores



The business letter shown above contains two sentences (one in each
paragraph) which need to be re-written. Please choose one of these
sentences, explain why it doesn't "fit" in this type of letter, and provide
a replacement sentence. (Hint: The revision has nothing to do with grammar,
spelling, or punctuation - but instead has to do with the tone of the
letter.)

Answer 1

First Sentence:
This is one of the dumbest things ever written.
Try:
I believe the author of the article is misinformed.

Second Sentence:
While Ike and Tina Turner have amde the song their own, John Fogerty is the man!
Try:
While the rendition by Ike and Tina Turner is probably the most well-known, John Fogerty's keen abliity of telling a story gives the song a universal appeal that transcends class and race.

Reason for changing #1:
The letter writer insults the author of the article. The tone changes from one of respect to one of hostility.
Reason for changing #2:
John Fogerty is the man! Is slang. It has no place in a professional letter, even if it is a letter of complaint.

I hope that helps!

btw - You could almost change the last statements too! He is snide when he says that Fogerty deserves more than an interview from the likes of someone....etc. That's also insulting. And finally, the letter writer basically TELLS the magazine what to do when he says that it needs to be corrected immediately.

Answer 2

You need to change "This is one of the dumbest things ever
written." It's a very colloquial phrase and it's a just not appropriate in a business letter. I would eliminate it entirely and just tie the sentence before and after together: "...written by Ike and Tine Turner. NEVERTHELESS, 'Proud Mary' is a song..."

Hope this helps!