My husband and I took in a fifteen year old boy two and half years ago. His mother had passed away and he was living with a step father. He is a middle child with older and youger siblings the older ones were all in jail and the younger ones had a grandmother that wanted them, she would have taken him but he did not want to go with her.. The state took him and siblings out of the house because of somthing one of the older ones said about the step father. The older ones claim sex abuse with both parents, my boy will not talk about his past at all. Not with counselers or a pastor or anyone, he just clams up. I worry about the repercussions of him not getting it out of him. How do I get him to open up with someone, anyone would be better than keeping it locked up. He is a very good kid but i see pain on his face everyday and it kills me to see him hurting because of this.
2007-02-16 00:17:25 · 9 answers · asked by Mary B 5 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
I too was abuse as a child and I'm 19 and just now talking about what I went through. My parent were meth addicts that beat my brother, my sister, and I. When I was 14 I was raped by a 20 something year old man. I never told anyone until about 2 weeks ago. I know how you son feels. My brother is in jail for making meth and will be going to prison for a long time. My sister is in the same shape. I doing okay. I in rolled in college to be a probation officer. It is all thanks to a book I read. It is called Toxic Parents, Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy & Reclaiming Your Life. This book saved my life. It tell storys that he will relate to. It also has exercises that I found very helpful. I check it out at my local libary. I'm sure you can find it at Barns& Noble or another book. Best Wishes to you and your family! I sreached for it and found it at amazon.com
2007-02-16 00:39:40 · answer #1 · answered by jakesbell87 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your boy lacks trust with good reason. He lived in fear and confusion for the first 15 (13.5?) years of his life watching trust abused by kith and kin. Telling/ pushing him to trust and tell intimate stuff to strangers is not going to help at the moment. He will see it as bullying and being forced to do things that are uncomfortable - just as happened in the past. His biggest fear is rejection and people who have been abused (especially sexually) in childhood carry a lot of guilt and self-blame- yes, illogical but nevertheless true. People have said one thing and done the other so words to him are not always to be believed. If you love him consistently and unconditionally (correct bad behaviour by stressing the action, without threatening, judging or accusing) he will trust in time and might even heal without necessarily digging up the past. You must be in a difficult position with this but patience and love are your only tools for now. He will talk when ready and your actions and guidance will let him know that you will listen and give all the support you can when he is ready. Best wishes now and always. xx
2007-02-16 08:51:18 · answer #2 · answered by kahahius 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you can't force him to talk about these issues, but I suggest you lety him know that you are open to listening to what he has to say and eventually he'll come around. Maybe you could ask him about positive things from his past and try to broach the subject that way. These is also the posibillity that he, or any of the other children, weren't molested and he doesn't want to get his siblings into any trouble. Good luck
2007-02-16 08:24:38 · answer #3 · answered by chalqua 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How awful, the poor boy. I understand that his older siblings are in jail but is there any possibility that you could contact them and encourage them to write to him? After all, they are the only one's who know what went on in the past and therefore have some kind of affinity with him.
2007-02-16 08:30:24 · answer #4 · answered by Carrie1984 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well maybe u should not keep trying to get his attention so much,he might be scared still because u guys havn't gave him a chance to speak. Try to talk to him but not so much because if he was abused he might still remember all of those things. Keep a close eye on him though u might notice when he will need help and thats when u can interact with him.Try to stop reminding him of those things, take him out t places so he can get closer to u guys.
2007-02-16 08:28:32 · answer #5 · answered by Andy S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dealing with things like this have to be done in a careful manner. I know that you want to help him but the thing is that he just doesnt want to talk about it and you cant make him. Go at his own pace, when he wants to talk about it he will. If he went to a therapist already and he didnt want to talk, then you talk to the therapist about yourself and how you can help him. Just be there for him talk to him, hang out with him, help him out in whatever you can. Remember that trust for teenagers is very important and you have to gain that trust in order to know what happened. Thats why he wont talk to a therapist or a pastor, they have to gain that trust first and that will take some time in order to later talk about the situation. Keep working with the therapist, keep going to church, cultivate his spirituality. I know that with time, God will work with him and heal his heart.
2007-02-16 08:29:23 · answer #6 · answered by boricua_chick_21 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Explain to him that it is not is fault, and you know that he is hurting, and you understand that he doesn't want to talk about it now, just remeber that you are there for him, and if he ever wants to, know that you will be there with him. Try telling him about your past, your childhood, the fun things you used to do, and hopefully bit by bit, he woud learn to trust you. Remember that he is 15, and 15 year olds don't talk that much, so be patient with him.
2007-02-16 08:33:53 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
mary,
please take your child in to see a psychologist they are there for matters just like the one you have and who knows they might feel he has a mental illness which by the way is very common. and there are many different kinds of treatment out there. but you better do something before it is too late.no parent wants to see there children suffer. so get out the yellow pages and start looking for help ie psychologists psychiatrists etc.
your angel
2007-02-16 08:42:46 · answer #8 · answered by trybebill 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
spend as much time with him as you can to get his mind off his past, theres no use in talking about the past when theres no way you can get him opened up and theres nothing you can do about the past. just dont menchion it. keep a positive environment
2007-02-16 08:29:53 · answer #9 · answered by Titus M 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋