I'm planning to leave my boyfriend of 5 years, we have a daughter together and I will be moving to another

Question

..state. I'm leaving because of his lying. He also has gambled away thousands of dollars that we worked so hard to save, we were going to use it as a downpayment on a house. He's gone to great lengths to try and hide his dishonesty. I'm no chump though, I know what to ask, where to look, etc. He just got suspended from work as well. I'm so very tired of the lies and constantly having to squeeze the truth out of him. There is NO chance for reconsiliation, I've given him 3 chances and he's not been able to earn my trust back. I'm done, towel in.

My question is, how do I break it to him? I mean, I have all the reasons above to tell him, but I'm not sure how to start out the conversation. I know he's going to be mad as heck! Any suggestions?

PS: I'm not going to just leave, it'll be a big production as I am taking nearly everything in the house, I own it all, I'm taking it all. Thanks for all the suggestions, keep them coming please, I haven't found the one that hit the nail on the had for me yet! :)) Thanks for the support!

In addition, this isn't a sudden choice I've made, I'm not even angry anymore. By three chances I mean, we've talked about these things that started just before our daughter was born, that was over a year and a half ago. We've talked about his lying, his gambling, counseling. This isn't a sudden and poorly thought out choice, its going to happen, I just want help on starting out the convo. He can't keep our daughter, he wouldn't dare even try, I have documentation of his fraudulant behavior & well, he just would not even go there.

Answer 1

You could start out with....

You and I both know that our relationship has been struggling for some time now....I don't see a future for us anymore.....I want to be a better mother for my daughter and by staying in this relationship with you, it isn't going to happen......

Answer 2

All of this bad behavior makes him a bad choice for a mate, but like it or not, he is still the dad. Always will be, and some day, he may turn his life around. ( he may not, too)
Your daughter has every right in the world to know him. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, whatever. She needs to find out for herself, even though you may want to always protect her.
If you move, how about keeping him informed of where you are.
If you do not, then some day the blame may all be on you. trust me on this one.
Are you really leaving because he is lying?? Does one person have that much pwer over you?? Or is it something else?? perhaps another man???
I woudln't blame you, but you should call it what it is, otherwise you are being dishonest as well.
Ok, my bottom line is: A child needs to know both parents. otherwise the feeling of incomplete is always there. The child will age and discover all the things you know on his/her own.
Good Luck.

Answer 3

If he’s the legal father of the child (name on birth certificate) do not leave without telling him where you’re taking that child. Once you go to court (and I’m sure you will over custody/visitation/child support) the judge will be VERY unhappy with you if you’ve ‘hidden’ the child from him.

Do not think that you can move to another state and establish residency overnight. It normally takes 6 months to establish residency.

Be aware that he can ask the court to order that the child be returned to the state. OR he can ask that he be awarded visitation and you be required to cover the costs of ALL travel expenses (since you’re the once creating the distance).

Take all these things into consideration before you leave the state.

And I’ll just add this…while a gambling addiction may make him a crappy boyfriend/husband, it does not make him an unfit father.

Answer 4

I think you should tell him with someone else present. That's because you don't know how he might react. Even talking to him in a public area (fast food place, etc) might be a good idea.

You are very brave and also very wise to do this. If everything you say is true, don't let him talk you out of leaving. It's still possible for the two of you to get back together, but he must prove that he has changed and that probably won't happen until the reality of your departure sinks in.

I wish you the very best.

Answer 5

Im sorry love, but you cant.... hes told you he doesnt love you - you cant force him to be with you without this emotion. Its always hard when one person has fallen out of love, but the other person is still very much in love as you are. I know the thoughts of facing all these changes alone are heart breaking and soul breaking - but you can and WILL do it. Of course its going to be hard - you've not only lost your man - but your familiarities - your house, your job - pretty much everything will have to change. But in a year - maybe even less, when you're back on your feet this day will be but a distant memory good luck xx

Answer 6

You should contact an attorney for custody issues - and his gambing and lying to you means zippo to a family court judge so be prepared for that.
I think you should send your child off w grandparents, Aunt, friend whoever for a day or 2 before you drop this bomb. Once she is safely settled away from this you are just going to have to tell him you have decided you have to leave for all the reasons above. There is no easy way to do this. Once you have hit him w this and you have discussed the break up some and he has begun to accept it let him know you have a plan for yourself and your child and it involves a move. Explain you have to do this to support yourself as well as your child and then when he stops screaming at you for taking his child away from him work out a visitation plan. Prepare yourself for his reaction as much as you can - ifhe gets out of hand call 911 and get the hell out of there!

Answer 7

Honesty is the best policy.. your above all a mom first, and if u believe that his bad habits hurt your childs needs in life.. then at one point u have to ask urself.. if ur bf is drowning on one side of a boat, and ur child is drowning on the other side, and u can only save one.. who do u save? Because right now ur bf is drowning and he's taking u and ur child with him.. Its sad and a shame that another child has to be raised with out a father, i do feel its unfair of u to move to another state, your child and your bf have the right to a "real" relationship and thats extremely hard to do from another state.. So u need to ask urself.. if that part of the deal is in the best intrest of your child.. and how would u feel if someone "stole" your child away from you? because just because he's not making the right decisions in life, doesnt mean he doesnt love his child, and doesnt mean that ur love for your child is any more or less then his.. so if at all possible i think u should stay in the same town even if u seperate households.. and id tell him, if he drops the ball even once, by not being a "daddy" to ur child, by not helping in the responsibilities of the child.. that ur moving to where u can support your child better .. but id atleast give him the chance of being a father, before just up and leaving if its at all possible..

Answer 8

You should have left him a long time ago. 3 chances r way too many. You should look about yourself because u have a daughter to take care of. He's not worth it. Just tell him how u feel about the situation. And be strong I know it's not easy,just keep in mind the well being of your daughter. Is this the father u want her to have? Pls no second thoughts.

Answer 9

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. His problem is his addiction. Until he he is ready to take his first step and face is demon, you would do best to go.
As for how to break it to him... He is total denial..since you have taken him back in the past he does not respect you, and believes that her will always get "another chance".
Do you think he would be violent?
Maybe the conversation might go something like..
I have given you all the chances you will ever get, so now I'm leaving.
He doesn't have a leg to stand on...
Keep it short and sweet.. simple and to the point.. but when you tell him, you need to leave at the same time...
Good luck

Answer 10

Just tell him to his face. Unfortunately there is no easy way of breaking up. this is somebody u cared about and share a daughter with and so though u dont love him anymore u astill do care that it has to be less painful for him blah blah . But when u really think about it, do you think there is a way that somebody can use to break up with u that wont be painful? reality is no. So face it and tell him. Going away is good coz it will give both of u space to heal. U need it too.

All the best and keep loving u lovely daughter

Answer 11

You have to understand that breaking up and leaving isn't that easy. I mean, youve been with him for 5 years and have a daughter..

It isn't one of those 1 week relationships that you can just say 'its over i am leaving' types.

You dont have to give him a 'chance' just talk to him about what is going on. If gambling is his problem dont let him go and work things out.

He will be confused and heart broken. You agreed to have a daughter, giving birth and then decide to leave him and your daughter. Then again wasting his 5 years ............ if you decide to 'leave' him just because you are moving.

You just need to calm down and relax when you are mad and talk to him..