I currently take care of my mother who is very sick and can't do for herself and i also so have a girlfriend who wants to get married as soon as possible because she never been married. She's just turned 40 and all i hear from her is ,"when are we going to get married"? Don't get me wrong, i've been married before and things didn't go so well but i don't hold that against my girlfriend, i would love to marry her but i need to take care of my mother because she has no one else to take care of her. I have no brothers or sisters and it seems that its my duty to do this for her (my mom) because she took care of me as a single parent all while i was young. My girlfriend is getting very jealous of our realationship because she feels that i should be taking care of her instead. My girlfriend loves my mother and my mother loves her also but no one wants to move in with me. I cant be at 3 places at the same time. I don't know what to do about this. Has anyone ever been in this situation before?
2007-02-15 22:52:20 · 13 answers · asked by B. Gregory 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I am 40 also, i'm single now but if i were in this situation i would tell you to be there for your mother as much as you can as there will be plenty of time for us in the future. You must sit her down and make it clear to her that mom has to be your priority for the time being. If she cant understand this then maybe she's not the one for you. What a lovely man you are! x
2007-02-15 23:06:04 · answer #1 · answered by chickadee 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Yes, I have been in this situation, except that I was already married. My husband and I had only been married a short while when my mother developed Alzheimer's. I was running myself ragged trying to care for my mother and trying to keep my marriage going. We wanted to move my mother in with us but did not have the room, and I knew that care for an Alzheimer's patient would become a 24/7 job as the disease progressed. I was sick inside.
Finally my husband confronted me and told me he didn't think we would make it if I didn't do something about my mother. I ended up placing her in an assisted living facilitiy where she could get the care she needs. She didn't like it, of course, and she would cry every time I'd leave after a visit. Now my mother doesn't even know me and would not be comfortable being anywhere BUT the assisted living facility.
Keep in mind that this has been going on for TEN YEARS. So in retrospect, I know I did the right thing, even though it was a difficult decision to make.
I understand that it is important for you to be there for your mother, but you need to respect your own limits too. And you deserve to have a life. If your mother needs that much care, please consider assisted living. If your mother doesn't have a lot of money, check with your state's department of elder affairs or comparable agency to get a listing of facilities with medicaid waivers. Some states will even help foot the bill for in-home care.
And good luck to you.
2007-02-15 23:53:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I had a similar situation and me and my mother arent even close, but i had to do the right thing which was take care of her. Im not saying dont pay your girlfriend any mind; but she has to understand, just like she has never been married, you only have one mother.
try talking with your girl and help her understand.
2007-02-15 23:00:48 · answer #3 · answered by B.Billups 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If she can't tolerate you taking care of your mom then I'm pretty sure she can't tolerate you'll being married. Why would you want to marry someone who can't respect the fact that you have to take care of your mom. Don't just into this marriage thing to soon because I think she wants to get married just to say i'm married. Take care your mom and do her justice.
2007-02-15 23:22:43 · answer #4 · answered by step b 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
iam sorry to say that your girlfriend sounds a bit imature and thats she wants to marry you so she can have a wedding and be married rather than loveing you and understanding you situation. saying that you need to sit fown with her and let her know how important taking care of your mother is (which it is your mother is very lucky) perhaps she would calm down if you spent a bit more time with her perhaps for one day a week hire a carer and spend the who say with your girlfriend. and if your girlfriend does make you choose then she is not the one you should be sepnding the rest of your life with.
2007-02-15 22:59:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your girlfriend (soon to be wife) is who is your top priority! She is right,you need to focus more on her than your mother when it comes to feelings. You can still marry this girl and take care of your mom.
I think its awesome that you are willing to help your mom, im sure she really apperciates you.
Just tell your girlfriend that your mother never comes before her, but that if you plan on marrying her, that she needs to be willing to help take care of your mom.
If she helps takes care of your mom with you, then it will make your relationship stronger.
She shouldnt be jealous, because the love you have for them both are different kind of loves. Explain that to her!
But listen man, you dont want your mother to stop your life from getting married and moving on. Its sad about your mom, but you cant let her health determine what you do with your life.
Have you ever thought about putting your mom in a health center where they keep an eye on her and to where you can visit your mom? Your mom may needs more friends. So if you put her in a community or program where she can do that, im sure she would agree.
Good luck!
2007-02-15 22:58:58 · answer #6 · answered by Encouragement 3 · 1⤊ 5⤋
U have to insist and tell bluntly that your gf can get u only if she accepts your mother, it is a package, everything or nothing. Don't split yourself into three, be one. U look after your gf, and both u and your gf look after your mother. Make it clear before the marriage.
2007-02-15 22:57:56 · answer #7 · answered by wizard of the East 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your girlfriend sounds like she's very immature and insensitive; you are doing the right thing taking care of your mom and if the girlfriend can't see this, you need to find a new one......sounds like you are a wonderfully compassionate caring man, are you sure this girlfriend is right for you anyway?
2007-02-15 23:13:57 · answer #8 · answered by abc 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
tell them that u need them both and that life can only go on that is getting married and all the stuff if u have them both(mom and gf)
so they must make up their minds
2007-02-16 00:12:45 · answer #9 · answered by broderm2k 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have one simple advice:
do not forget that your mother is your mother from your born but your girlfriend is not like that.
balance the relationship between these two people who are dear for you. don't irritate your mother.
2007-02-15 23:12:24 · answer #10 · answered by Armin 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋